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中文翻译由B站@风晓星落 投稿，十分感谢！“我有一个非同寻常的父亲。当我还是一个小女孩的时候，我并没有像正常的女孩子一样抱着洋娃娃玩过家家或者看公主电影，而是会和父亲一起看《神秘博士》或者《星际迷航》。我的父亲是一名工程师，他一直以来都梦想着在星海中畅游，欣赏宇宙的宏美。对我来说，父亲更像是汤姆?贝克一样的存在。（汤姆?贝克曾出演神秘博士）
他有些古怪，但又富有精力，遇到困难时也都一笑置之。每逢盛夏，我都会和他坐在一起，听他给我讲述不同的星座、不同的天体。还记得当第一张黑洞的图像公布于世时，他大声赞叹着人类取得的成就。黑洞能在数光年外被观测这一纯粹的事实确实是难以置信的。伴随着这些瞬间，我将他铭记于心。他是一位梦想家，一位英雄，一个追求居住在群星之间的人。”
掌声雷动，就连国际太空委员会的主任都被我的发言所感动。但是我在此刻丝毫无法感到骄傲。这不是一个应当高兴或者抱有任何情感的时刻。在这样的日子里，就连天上的星星似乎都变得更加暗淡了。就连最后一点欢欣仿佛都被黑暗所吞噬。
一个16岁的女孩该如何面对父亲的死亡？葬礼上没有人是来关怀我的。那些人只为自己的面子而来。我的父亲为了他们做了那么多事情，他付出了那么多心血和汗水，但那些人甚至都懒得检查太空舱的安全性。一个混蛋忽略了一条破裂的输油管，然后你看看都发生了什么样的惨剧。这是继挑战者号后发生的最大的故障事件，16个在太空船上的鲜活生命就这样逝去，16个父亲母亲永远无法再见到自己的子女。交给他们的任务很简单，仅仅是绕地飞行并返回而已。但我从未想过他再也无法回来了。我本梦想着再见到父亲，并像拥抱英雄一样拥抱他，祝贺他终于实现了自己的梦想。
但有时候生活总与梦想相悖。当我把国旗从台上铺到他的棺材上时，仿佛这期间的每一秒都凝刻着记忆：他在我受伤时过来帮我处理的回忆，他在漫展与 David Tennant吵架的回忆。（显然是因为Tennant叫Baker去（省略粗鄙之语））而这些记忆就是我仅存的宝物了。
我找到了座位并坐了下去，开始听其他人上台讲和我所讲的一模一样的话。“Joseph Vanders是一位伟大的父亲…”之类之类的。那些人根本不了解我父亲。我父亲总是对我说，地球就像蓝宝石一样。这颗蓝色的星球像宝石一样闪耀。但现在，我眼前所见只有准备入土的棕色涂漆棺材。
这些流程都结束了之后，主任带着他尖锐的黑眼睛与像鬼一样惨白的面庞向我走来。戴着方框眼睛，穿着黑色西服，他看起来总是那么病态。
“艾莉西亚”，他用一潭死水一般的语气对我说，“我要向你表达我沉痛的慰问和深切的哀悼。你的父亲是一位完美的工程师，如果没有他，我们的工程根本不会有任何进展。”
“谢谢。”我回复到。我知道这些都是狗屁不是的套话。我的父亲总是告诉我，主任除了结果不关心任何事。而且我也知道他为了加快工程进度而向下级施加压力。我很想上去暴打他一顿。我想让他像感受地狱之火一样焚烧他。但是我不能这样做。我既不能拒绝他的慰问，也不能置他于不理。这会使我父亲蒙羞，而且我根本不会在众人面前丢脸。因此我必须表现出悲痛，而不是对他的愤怒。
主任仅仅看了我一秒，然后就在他的大衣中翻找。随后他拿出了一个白色的信封，背面装饰着华丽的金色叶子和蓝色封蜡。
“你的父亲，”他看上去非常滑稽地对我说，“希望我在你从普勒斯顿毕业的时候把这个交给你。现在这个状况，我想还是最好现在就交给你吧。你想什么时候打开都可以。我必须忙别的去了，祝你好运。”
我拿着信封，注视着他以麻木的步伐离去。我能感觉到他四散在外的漠不关心。这个人并不是来献上他的敬意的。他就是一个无情的混蛋，而他只是在履行不得不履行的任务而已。对他来说我们只是工具而已。他就是虫子之中的上帝。我们不配占用他的时间，不值得他的同情。但是说实话，我根本不在乎，或者说，谁又需要这样一位神呢？
当我还在沉思着关于神的议论时，一只手放到了我的肩膀上。我回过头去，那是一个结实的男人，肩膀很宽，留着杂乱的络腮胡，以及一副八字胡；留着一头橘红色的头发，脸上划过一条长长的伤疤。他身着军装，胸前闪耀着的奖章与周遭阴冷的气氛格格不入。对于某些人来说他是令人闻风丧胆、相貌可怖的宇航员“红胡子”，但是对于我来说他只是我的巴洛叔叔。平时他总是一位乐观积极的人。他是一个嗓门大到直接能传上天堂、心胸极为宽广的人。巴洛叔叔是我爸爸最好的朋友。我父亲总是说他们两个形影不离。他总是咧嘴笑着，成为最黑暗的日子中耀眼的光芒。但是就像连光也无法逃离黑洞的引力一样，今天的他看上去貌似一切对他来说都糟透了，仿佛只有悲伤萦绕在他周围。
“艾莉西亚，”他用空洞的声音对我说，“是时候让他安息了。”
我回望巴洛叔叔，他明显在强撑着，努力表现出坚强的一面。但是就连我都能看出来他和我一样憔悴。在他的眼神中，我看到了隐藏在结实的外表下的、破碎的心灵，在里面哀声哭泣着。
他们把棺材带到教堂外。巴洛叔叔和父亲的其他同事一样都是送葬者。乌云密布，天空阴暗，就好像有人专门为了这一天关掉了灯一样。牧师过来为父亲做最后的灵事，此时巴洛叔叔站到了我身边。在他们放下棺材时，我不由得感到战栗。仿佛这棺材是放置在我心灵上一样。压力不断地汇聚在我身上，终于，我感到有什么从我脸颊上滚落。
“雨下的不小啊，不是么？”巴洛叔叔问我。
“并没有在下雨。”我一边回复一边抬头，眼泪同样从他的脸颊上滚落。他单膝蹲下并用手帕擦了擦我的眼泪。
“不，在下雨。”他一边回答，一边向下拉了拉帽子。在他拿着手帕的时候，我凝视着亮晶晶落下的水滴，浸入土地，沾湿衣物，留下一个个阴暗的圆圈，不断扩散，直到整个衣服比天空还要暗。
“看吧？你的周围全是雨。”
我竭尽全力地抱紧他，两人嚎啕大哭。每一滴眼泪都灌注了我想传达给父亲的话语。每一秒我抱紧巴洛叔叔都在希望怀里的人是我的父亲。但是父亲已离我而去，我徒留在原地，无能为力。
葬礼结束后我跟巴洛叔叔上了车，回到了父亲的家。巴洛叔叔坚持我应该把房子卖掉来跟他一起住，但是我无法割舍这个地方。我在这个公寓中长大。对于我来说，这就是一切，是我的tardis（英国科幻电视剧《神秘博士》及其相关作品中的一个虚构时间机器和航天器），是我的游乐园，是一位伟大的人将小女孩抚养长大的地方。我出生的时候母亲就去世了，因此我的父亲一直独自抚养我。他会告诉我母亲的死不是我的错，而一些最闪亮的星星就是从其他星星的残骸中诞生的。他会叫我他的恒星，因为他的生活都围绕着我公转。当我再回到客厅时，一切都变得没有生气。白色的墙砖似乎失去了光泽，黑色大理石台面也似乎不再闪光，白色的家具看上去就好像它们不存在于此一样。一切都变得不对劲了。
“要来点咖啡吗，艾莉西亚？”
我转向正在取杯子的巴洛叔叔，仅仅回复了一个字：好。
他把咖啡豆放到咖啡机里，做好了咖啡。我能闻出来属于我的那一份：奶油与糖的香气，外加榛子和肉桂。这是我父亲做给我的配方，巴洛叔叔也知道这就是我喜欢的口味。我喜欢巴洛叔叔，但是此时就感觉他好像是在努力代替我的父亲一样。虽然我并没有生他的气，但是我希望他不要这样做。巴洛叔叔已经有一个妻子和一个10岁的孩子（孩子生病了，因此母亲和孩子没来参加葬礼）。我坐到了沙发上，巴洛叔叔把咖啡递给了我。肉桂的香气让我逐渐放松。在我啜饮的时候，怀念之情向我汹涌袭来。我仿佛能看到父亲为了早餐在灶台前忙手忙脚的身影。当我将杯子从嘴唇上移开时，我能感受到巴洛叔叔在注视着我。
“我们真的需要谈一谈，艾莉西亚。”
“关于什么？”
“关于你和你的现况。我知道你的父亲给你留下了一大笔钱和他的抚恤金，但是我不认为你留在这里一个人住是明智之举。我知道遗嘱没有指定监护人并且声明你已经有自主能力了，但是不管这些，继续住在这个地方会毁掉你的生活。就过来跟我一起住吧，黛比和我有一个空房间，并且我也乐意看到你受到照顾。就听一下我的话吧。”
我瞪着他恳求的眼睛。那个时候，我本能有很多话可说，很多事可做，但我最终只挤出了两个字。
“出去。”
“求求你了，艾莉西亚，这样不会让你成长的。”
“巴洛叔叔，我已经在很多场合明确过我的决定了。这个地方对于我来说意味着很多，我也无法割舍这个回忆之地。你和我都知道我会好好照顾自己的。我的父亲教会了我独立，并且留下了能让我赖以独自生活的工具。巴洛叔叔，我爱你，但是说实话你并没有理解到重点。他确实可能是你最好的朋友，但是他却既是我的父亲，也是我的母亲，同时也是我最好的朋友。所以就请离开吧！”
巴洛叔叔从座位上起身，悄然离开。留下的只有空空如也的房子，一个小女孩，和肉桂与咖啡的香气。
Chapter 1: Fathers are the true heroes
“My father was a very unconventional one. As a little girl I didn’t play with doll-houses or watch princess movies. Instead we would always watch shows like Dr. Who or Star Trek. My father was an engineer and he always dreamed of going to the stars, seeing the universe in its absolute beauty. To me my father was a lot like Tom Baker. Eccentric, dashing, always laughing when trouble was staring at him through the barrel of a gun. In the summer we would always sit together and he would always tell me about the different constellations, the different celestial bodies. I remember when the first image of a black hole came out, he was bellowing on mans achievements. The sheer fact that a black hole can be observed light years away was incredible. We as humans had progressed so far. And it with these moments I’d like to remember him for who he was. A dreamer, a hero and a man who longed to live among the stars.”
Everyone started to clap, even the director of the international space commission was moved at the words I've said. But I didn’t feel proud of myself at this moment. This wasn’t a time to be happy or to feel anything. The stars became less bright today and all I can feel was a blackness swallow what little joy I had left to offer. How was a 16 year old girl to cope with the death of her father? Everyone here didn’t care about me they only came not to lose face. After everything he did, after all the blood and sweat that he poured onto the floor, they didn’t even bother checking if the craft was safe. One asshole missed a ruptured fuel line and look what happened. One of the largest malfunctions to occur since the Challenger. 16 people were on that ship. 16 mothers and fathers who will never see their kids. The mission was simple. Just orbit then return. I didn’t think he wasn’t going to come back. I thought I was going to be able to see my dad and hug him as a hero, as a dreamer who lived his dream. But sometimes life doesn’t want us to live our dreams. As I took the flag off of the podium and placed it on top of his casket, I could feel each second bring up a memory. The days he would make me pancakes, the times he would come to my aid to heal every booboo, the time he got into a fight with David Tennant at comic con( apparently Tennant told Baker to suck eggs). All those memories are the only things I have left.
I took and my seat and began to listen as others came forward to speak but most of it was the same. “ Joseph Vanders was a loving father great man yadayada”. They didn’t know anything about him at all. My father always said that the earth looks like a sapphire. That this blue planet shined like a gem. But all I see now is a brown lacquer coffin getting ready to be placed into the earth. After the proceedings the director approached me with his piercing black eyes and pale ghostly white skin. He always looked so morbid with his square framed glasses and black suits.
“Alicia”,he said in a monotonous voice,“ I would like to extend my heartfelt condolences and express my remorse. You’re father was a brilliant engineer and without him a great deal of our programs wouldn’t have made any progress at all.”
“Thank you” I replied. I knew it was bullcrap. My father always told me that the director didn’t care for anything but results and I knew he put pressure to accelerate this project. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to burn him like he would in hell, like my father did on that shuttle. But I can’t do that. I can’t refuse his condolences nor can I turn him away. It would be a disgrace to my father and surely I’d lose face in front of everyone. So I have to bare this expression of grief and not anger for his sake.
The director just looked at me for a second and shuffled through his coat. He pulled out a white envelope with ornate gold leaf and blue wax seal on the back.
“Your father”’ he began with a droll,“ wanted me to give you this envelope the day you graduate Preston. Given the current circumstances, I think it would be best if you were to receive it now. Open whenever you feel is the time. I have to get going now but I wish the best.”
I took the envelope and he walked away in a callous manner. I could feel his lack empathy emanating off of him. This wasn’t a man coming to pay his respects. This was a heartless bastard disposing another one of his nonsensical duties as the director of the international space commission. To him we were nothing but a means to an end. A god amongst insects. We weren’t worthy of his time or his compassion. Honestly, I didn’t even care. I didn’t want him here. I mean, who needs a god like that?
As I contemplated this theological argument of gods amongst men I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked over and behind me was a big burly man with wide shoulders, a scruffy beard, and mustache. He had orangish red hair and a sharp scar that ran down his forehead. He was in military uniform and his shining medals acted as a contradiction to the bleak situation at hand. To some he was known as a frightening astronaut known as “Redbear” but to me he was simply known as uncle Barlow. Usually he was very wide eyed and cheery. He was a man with a voice that bellowed among the heavens and a heart big enough to love everyone. Uncle Barlow was my father’s best friend. The two of them were inseparable like time and space as my father would say. Uncle Barlow usually had a big old grin on his face that brightened the darkest of days. But not even light can escape a black hole and this day was no exception. It was like it was all just sucked out of him and there was nothing left but a solemn and grim expression.
“Alicia” he said in a hollow tone“ it’s time to put him to rest”
I looked back at Uncle Barlow and I could see he was trying to be strong and put on a brave face. But even I could see that was just as shattered as me. I could see in his eyes, behind that burly exterior was a fragmented soul, crying from the inside.
They took coffin outside of the cathedral. Uncle Barlow was one of the bearers as well as other associa
tes of my father. The clouds were gray and everything was a shade darker. It was like someone turned down the lights just for today. The priest came by and gave him his final rights. Uncle Barlow stood next to me. As they lowered the coffin I could feel something. It was as if they were lowering the coffin onto my own soul. All that pressure began constrict me more and more until I felt something roll down my cheek.
“it’s raining quite a lot isn’t?” Asked Uncle Barlow
“it’s not raining” I replied as I looked at him and I could see the tears running down his face. He got down on one knee and and wiped my cheek with a handkerchief.
“Yes it is” he answered as he tilted his hat down. As he held the handkerchief, I watched new glistering drops appearing and soaking in, speckling the cloth with dark circles that threatened to spread until the whole thing was darker than the sky.
"See? There is rain all around you."
I hugged him as tight as I could and cried with him. Every tear was something I wanted to say to my dad. Every second I held onto Uncle Barlow was a second I wanted to spend with dad. But dad was gone now and I couldn’t do anything about it.
After the funeral ended I got into the car with Uncle Barlow and we headed back to my father’s house. Uncle Barlow insisted that I sell the place and come live with him, but I have too much invested in here. I grew up in this apartment and it was everything to me. It was my tardis, it was my play house, and it was a place where a great man would raise his little girl. My mother passed away when I was born so my father had to raise me on his own. He would tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that some of the brightest stars were born from others. He would call me his little celestial since his whole world would orbit around me. As I entered the living room everything seemed to be lifeless. The brilliant white tiles seemed to have lost their luster, the black granite countertops didn’t seem to shimmer at all, and the white furniture felt as though it didn’t belong there. Everything didn’t feel right.
“ Do you want some coffee Alicia?”
I turned to Uncle Barlow as he pulled out the mugs and I simple said one word: “ Sure.”
He placed the pods into the keurig and made the coffee. I could **ell mine: cream and sugar with a hint of hazelnut and cinnamon. It was the way my father made mine and Uncle Barlow knew that was how I liked it. I love Uncle Barlow but right now it feels like he is trying to be my father. I clearly know he isn’t but it feels like he’s trying to be. I’m not angry at him but I wish he wouldn’t. Uncle Barlow already had a wife and a kid who was only 10 years old( they couldn’t show up to the funeral because the kid was sick, which is understandable). I took a seat on the couch and Uncle Barlow handed me the cup. The **ell of cinnamon managed to put me at ease slightly. As I sipped the cup I could feel a sense of nostalgia overcoming me. I could see my father slaving away over a hot stove jamming out to Elton John while he made me breakfast. As I pulled the cup away from my lips I could sense Uncle Barlow just staring at me.
“ Alicia we really need to talk about this”
“ About what?”
“ About you and your current situation. I know your father left a good amount of money and his pension but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to live here alone. I know the will didn’t name a guardian and told that you have complete autonomy, but regardless, this place is going to suck the life out of you. Look, just come with me. Debbie and I have a spare room and I’d rather see you taken care of. Just please hear me out.”
I stared at him with his pleading eyes. There was so much I could say in that moment. There was so much I could do but I only said 2 words.
“ Get out.”
“ Alicia please this is no way to grow up”
“ Uncle Barlow I have made myself clear on multiple occasions. This place means to much to me to give up. You and I both know that I’ll be fine. My father taught me to be independent and left me the tools to become that. Look I love you Uncle Barlow but honestly I don’t think you get it. He may have been your best friend but he was dad, my mom and my best friend all rolled into one. So please just leave!”
Uncle Barlow got up from his seat and quietly left. All that remained was a hollow home with a little girl and the **ell of cinnamon and coffee.
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