PART 1
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FADE INEXT. AN IMPOSSIBLE EXPANSE OF MARYLAND FARMLAND - DAY
The wind rustles the endless field of , blows over the
freshly mown meadow of soybeans, and magically sways a copse of
trees.
Its a Fall after-noon. A SUDDEN POUNDING OF GALLOPING HOOVES
breaks the pead... A HORSE and RIDER burst between the rows
of into the meadow. They are running for their lives.
CLOSE ON:
The rider is a bride -- a beautiful woman dressed in a
disheveled wedding gown, its train tattered and flying like a
knights banner out behihis is MAGGIE CARPENTER.
The horse is frothing and wild-eyed, like the bride, who turns
to look behind her in terror. The horses labored breathing
mingles with Maggies panicked gasps.
We see a WEDDING BOUQUET fly into a ditch as the horse thunders
on. Maggie gs to the reins. She looks as though she is
running from the devil himself.
FADE TO BLACK
EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Establishing.
CUT TO:
EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY
IKE (V.O.)
Hey, Fisher, pick up. I have some
n ideas I want to bounce off you.
Not there? Okay. Listen Im thinking
of writing about those mind-numbing
informercials that are always on.
Ike walks out of his apartment building talking on cell phone.
IKE (td)
What do you think? Good idea, right?
B, down to death, pointless -- It
sucks.
Ike yells at a STRU WORKER.
IKE (td)
If you guys are here any longer,
theyre gonna make you sign a lease.
STRU WORKER
Your n should be so funny.
Ike turns and walks dowreet, talking into cell phone.
IKE
Okay, I was also thinking I might write
about...
He spots a RICH LADY with tons of diamonds getting out of a
Limousialking to a CHAUFFEUR. He goes up to her.
IKE (td)
Excuse me. I was thinking of doing an
article on limousines. What would you
say to people who never had a ce to
drive in a limo?
They walk up to her DOORMAN.
LADY
Im sorry, I dont knoeople like
that.
Ike walks off. They stare at him as he goes.
EXT. ANOTHER NEW YORK STREET - DAY
Ikes talking on the phoo his friends mae again.
IKE
(into phone)
Fisher? e on -- I know youre
sitting there laughing at me. Pick up.
I want to run an idea past you.
Ike tinues walking now in the full panic of writers block.
He pleads into his friends answering mae as he walks.
IKE (td)
(into phone)
I just could use someoo toss it
bad forth with for a few minutes,
get the juice flowing, help me. I have
an hour and twenty-seven minutes and
fifty-two seds. Hello?
He walks away from the t-shirt table towards the bar. The
Vendor calls out to him.
T-SHIRT VENDOR
Hey, Ike, when are you going to put me
in an article?
IKE
When your t-shirts stop shrinking.
Ike ehe bar. The Woman drops the shirt she was holding
and walks off with her children. The T-shirt Vendoes back
to selling his shirts.
INT. NEW YORK BAR - LATE DAY
Ike sits at the bar speaking to an attractive Woman nearby, a
MAN puts is USA Today on the bar and addresses the BARTENDER.
MAN
I see photos of a lot of dead writers
on these walls. Got any living ones?
I have a story to tell that could win
one of them a Pulitzer.
(then, with enthusiasm)
Picture this, if you will. A small
town in Maryland, a sleepy little
village, within that a hardware store...
The Man tinues speaking as Ike and the woman tiheir
versation.
WOMAN
So whats in store for us in tomorrows
n?
IKE
I dont know yet. Im kind of a last-
minute man. Ideas dont flow until an
hour or two before deadline.
The Womas up and begins throwing darts.
WOMAN
(interrupting)
This is very iing. You get your
ideas for your n from life. You
start up a versation with a woman in
a bar, attack her choice of reading
material, try a a rise out of her
while you plate whether or not
shes worth hitting on.
IKE
No, I t hit on you until I get an
idea.
She starts throwing darts.
WOMAN
Thats flattering.
IKE
No, you dont uand.
The Womao her bar stool, gathering her bag and leaves a
tip for the Bartender.
WOMAN
I think I do uand. So my not
responding to your baiting me will
inspire one of those potential bitter
diatribes you love to write about women
and all the things we do to drive men
crazy?
IKE
(taken aback)
I dont write bitter diatribes about
women... very often.
She whacks him with a neer, then shakes his hand.
WOMAN
Only when the ideas arent flowing,
huh? Well, it was very o meet
you, one-minute man.
The Woman leaves the bar.
IKE
(as she exits)
Thats last minute man.
(then, louder)
And its the quality that ts.
BARTENDER
You know, food looking man, you
strike out a lot.
MAN
Ive seen much worse.
The phs. Te Bartender answers it as Ike sits ba
his bar stool. Ike grabs the womans magazihat she left on
the bar and starts glang at it. The Man at the bar has heard
the whole thing.
MAN (td)
I said, Ive seen much worse.
Ike looks at the Man with reservation. The Man is Gee
Swilling.
IKE
Excuse me?
MAN
The brush-off.
Ike gets up and moves to the dart board. He removes the darts.
MAN (td)
Ive witnessed far more treacherous and
nefarious exits than that. At least
she castigated you in private.
IKE
Not as private as I thought.
Ike turns slightly, giving the man his back.
IKE (td)
Kevin, youve got some napkins?
BARTENDER
Writing or wiping?
IKE
Give me a pen.
The Bartender gives him cocktail napkins and a pen. Ike starts
making notes. Ike looks up from his writing. The Mas up
and starts throwing darts.
MAN
(throwing darts hard)
Ah, e on. They deserve it. They
love you, they hate you, theyre hot,
theyre cold, theyre high, theyre
low...
IKE
... Theyre up, theyre down. Its
really fun making this list with you,
but Ive got a n to go write.
BARTENDER
Ike.
MAN
(uerred)
But you dont have a really superb idea!
Well, theres a girl from my hometown
you could write about.
Ike moves to the Bartender and pays him.
BARTENDER
(to Man)
Excuse me, we dont need any new ideas.
MAN
She likes to dump groht at the
altar. They call her "The Runaway
Bride".
Both Ike and Barteurn and stare.
MAN
She performed the travesty seven or
eight times. Right at the altar she
turns around and runs like hell.
Bolts.
Ike turns and heads for the door. The Man calls after him,
getting up from his stool without stopping his enthusiastic
story.
MAN (td)
Adios. Plows down the aisle, knog
old ladies out of her way like the
running of the bulls at Pamplona. And
guess what?
IKE
I give up.
MAN
She has the victim all lined up.
Shes twirling another body on the
spit.
Ike stops in his tracks. He turns back around in spite of
himself.
MAN
(beginning his story)
Imagine if you will, a small town in
Maryland...
CUT TO:
INT. IKES APARTMENT - DUSK
Ike sits at his puter, cassette player with Miles Davis PLAYS
o him as he types away reading his handiwork to himself.
IKE
(reading)
"Today is a day of profound
introspe, I have been accused
of using this n to direct bitter
diatribes at the opposite sex! This
unfortable accusation has plunged me
into at least fifteen minutes of
serious refle, from which I have
emerged with the clusion that, yes
-- I traffi female stereotypes."
EXT. USA TODAY OFFICE - DAY
FISHER walks through the main office reading the paper.
FISHER
"But how one blame me when every
time I step out my front door I meet
fresh proof that the female archetypes
are alive and well? Te mother, the
virgin, the whore, the e; theyre
elbowing you in the subway, stealing
your cabs, and overwhelming you with
perfume iors."
INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - TINUOUS
Elai her desk reads aloud to herself.
ELAINE
"But perhaps, in fairo the fairer
sex, I do o broaden my horizon
and add some new goddesses to the
pantheon: I would like to nominate for
deity..."
Fisher hands a file to Elaine.
FISHER
"... The cheerleader, the coed, and the
maer, the last of which s me
most today."
Fisher leaves and we hold a USA Today sign.
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY
The Man es out of the mens room reading the USA Today,
Kevin, the Bartender, stands on the bar reading the same
article.
MAN
(reads)
"To be fair, the maer isnt
exactly new. In A Greece, this
fearsome female was known as Erinys,
the dev death goddess. In India,
she is Kali, who likes to devour her
boyfriend Shivas entrails while her
yoni devour his -- dot dot dot, never
mind. In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed
maer is called Ragma..."
Te Man sits at the bar o the Bartender.
BARTENDER
You noticed these are all tries
without cable.
(then, tinues
reading)
"... And in Hale, Maryland where she
helps run the family hardware store.
She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter
..."
(mispronounces)
".... AKA, the Runaway Bride."
CUT TO:
EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY
WORKERS read the above article.
I. BEAUTY PARLOR / HALE, MARYLAND - DAY
PEGGY and MRS. PRESSMA the parlor and stroll down the
street. (lowers her paper and reads.)
PEGGY (td)
"... And in Hale, Maryland where she
helps run the family hardware store."
(to the Women)
We have to go to Maggie. dy, mind
the shop.
(exits salon;
tinues reading)
"... She is known as Miss Maggie
Carpenter, AKA, the Runaway Bride."
MRS. PRESSMAN
Holy moly.
The older one, Mrs. Pressman, listens with a pained expression
as the younger one, Peggy, tio read the n aloud.
her one believe what theyre reading.
PEGGY
(reads)
"What is unusual about Miss Carpenter
is that she likes to dress her men up
as grooms before she devours them. She
has already disemboweled six in a row
by leaving them at the altar."... I
t ready anymore.
MRS. PRESSMAN
(takes paper from
her, reads)
"And her ritual feast tinues as she
prepares to make a sacrifice out of the
seventh fiance. So all bets are on and
we hope that this b bride isnt
honeymooning with Las Vegas odds makers
because many predict that this girl is
out of there before the race... before
the rice hits the ground"
(then)
Holy moly.
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman step into a hardware store.
INT. HARDWARE STORE - TINUOUS
Peggy and Mrs. Pressmaer, worried.
MRS. PRESSMAN
You tell Maggie.
PEGGY
No, you tell her.
MRS. PRESSMAN
No, no. Youre her best friend.
PEGGY
No.
MRS. PRESSMAN
(holding her
neer)
You know, its just possible that she
hashis yet.
PEGGY
Yeah.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Maybe she hashe paper...
On the ter, they see a copy of USA Today opeo the
article about Maggie.
MRS. PRESSMAN (td)
... Or not!
We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs ihe Hale Hardware
Store, the prettiest, most weling shop of its kind anywhere
in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of
the owners daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,
charm, and possibility. Maggie es down steps with a faucet
handle and goes to an elderly er, MR. PAXTON.
MAGGIE
(bright)
Here we go! Oique hot water
hah the "HOT" still on it,
guarao fit any Ameri Standard
cast iron tub with a four-inch ter
made between 1924 and 1938. In other
words, I think youre out of the
doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.
MR. PAXTON
(amazed)
Hallelujah.
MAGGIE
Alright, Mr. Paxton, Ill put it on
your at.
Maggie rounds the bend, another er, EARL, stands by the
paint mae.
EARL
Maggie.
MAGGIE
(walking past er)
You dont need an air ditioner, Earl,
you just need an atti -- Theres
more in the back.
Maggie steps behind the front ter of the store and takes the
at book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour
expression on the faces of her friends.
MAGGIE (td)
What?
Peggy nervously mentions the neer.
PEGGY
(delicate)
So -- Mag -- youve seen this, huh?
MAGGIE
(serious)
Yes, Ive seen it. And I have to say
its the rudest and most offensive...
joke anybodys ever played on me!
To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.
MAGGIE (td)
You guys! How long did this take you?
Maggie stays amused.
MAGGIE (td)
Whered you get this done?
(laughing)
You creeps! I should disinvite you!
And why did you say seven times? This
is four.
PEGGY
Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette
jokes, so we didnt...
Maggie looks at the stri face of her friends.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Holy moly.
Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy fgie.
Maggie is starting to feel unfortable. She looks down,
dubiously, at the paper.
MAGGIE
Um, you know, now would be a good
moment to tell me this is fake.
(no response)
It wont be funny if y it out.
Okay?
(no response)
Okay, well... I mean, I find out...
Real neers smear. Phoney papers
dont.
She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving
an INK SMEAR!!
She nearly kneels over.
MAGGIE (td)
(sitting)
Bag.
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They
give her a bag to breathe in.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Bag.
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIES WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT
We see Maggie kickboxing in ahe radio is on. She
suddenly stops, yanks Ikes article off the wall, leaves her
workout area and goes to her desk.
ANGLE ON DESK AREA:
She turns off the radio and begins to type her letter.
MAGGIE (V.O.)
"Dear Editor..."
EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT
As Maggies VOICE-OVER tio read her letter, we take in
a Manhattan busy day. It is big, loud, and anonymo<kbd>99lib?</kbd>us.
MAGGIE (V.O.; td)
"Greeting from the sticks! Perhaps you
believe that a rural education is
focused mainly on hog calling and
traainteher than reading.
Why else would you print a piece of
fi about me and call it fact?"
Te CAMERA FINDS Ike, striding across a busy street, dodging
taxies. A WOMAN smacks him with a neer. He passes a WOMAN
TRAFFIC OFFICER, then a hot dog stand. He greets and passes a
FALAFEL VENDOR. THE CAMERA PANS to a USA Today Truck.
MAGGIE (V.O.; td)
"I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy
thinking us slanderous statements about
how I dump men for kicks to bother with
something silly like accura
rep. Which is uandable,
because with a "maer" like me on
the loose, who has time to check facts?"
EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - TINUOUS
He passes regular GUYS who cheer him.
MAGGIE (V.O.; td)
"Still, we ibalistic queens get
pretty ky when we see t<details></details>hings in
print that hurt our feelings, like that
we deliberately abandon fiances with
malice aforethought."
INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - TINUOUS
He ehe neer building, going to Ellies office.
INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - TINUOUS
He walks through the crowded city room. His arrival attracts a
lot of attention from his CO-WORKERS. Ike seems a little
surprised, but hes pleased.
MAGGIE (V.O.; td)
"Thats why I was surprised to find Mr.
Grahams editor was a woman. Call me a
seal fool, but I sort of hoped
we maer could stick together."
Ike works his way down the hall to the editors office. CHUFFA
Ike greets various workers. He steps up to the editors
secretary, ELAINE. She doesnt smile.
IKE
(to Elaine)
Ill put in a good word for you.
ELAINE
No, no, doion my name in there.
IKE
Why?
A buzz.
ELAINE
You go in now.
Ike goes into Ellies office. Elaine picks up her phone.
CUT TO:
INT. ELLIES OFFICE - TINUOUS
ELLIE is that editor. Stylish and successful looking, shes
about Ikes age. Ellie sits behind a big desk with a scowl on
her pretty face. Her casual-looking husband, Fisher, sits
nonchalantly on the arm of the couch. Ike enters as Ellie reads
Maggies letter.
ELLIE
(readier)
"Anyway, Im just dropping you big city
folk this little o say that I have
thought of a ritual sacrifice that would
satisfy my current appetite: Ike
Grahams n on a platter. Yours
truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S. -- I
have inclosed a list of the gross
factual misrepresentations in your
article. There are fifteen."
Ike sits as Ellie puts the letter down and takes off her glasses.
IKE
(chuckles as he sits)
Fully. I like her. She has wit.
ELLIE
I left four messages. You dourn
my calls.
IKE
So? I never returned your calls, even
when we were married. And whats
Fisher doing here anyway?
Fisher gets and places a photo of the cat on a bookshelf on his
way to the other side of the room.
FISHER
Ellie asked me to e down to offer
moral support.
IKE
Since when does Ellie need moral supp--
ELLIE
-- Its for you, Ike.
IKE
What?
ELLIE
Journalism lesson number one. If you
fabricate your facts, you get fired.
Ellie pushes USA Today lawyers letter across the desk for him
to read. Ike picks it up and skims the letter. His face is as
impassive as stone.
IKE
Lesson wo. Never work for your
former spouse.
ELLIE
Thats not nothing to do with it. You
cooked this story up and you know it.
IKE
I didnt cook up a story. I had a
source.
ELLIE
Someone reliable, Im sure. A booze-
hound in a bar?
FISHER
In vias.
IKE
Dont knock drunk guys in bars. Drunk
guys in bars are good. It means
theyre not driving.
Ike gets up and stands near Ellie, making his point.
IKE (td)
Besides, Im a nist. This is what
nists are supposed to do. This is
what you like. We push, we stretch, we
go out on a limo. Thats what makes me
good!
ELLIE
No, thats what makes you unemployed.
IKE
I merely write the stuff. Youre the
ohat serves it up.
Ike puts dowter and puts his glasses bato his
pocket.
ELLIE
Not anymore. I have to draw the line.
(pushing a piece
of paper)
She sent us this list. Our lawyers say
its aable.
Ellie hands Ike Maggies list.
IKE
(scoffs)
Lawyers.
(gla list)
I dont know, Ellie -- Firing me is
going to be very tough on you. Its
going to be hard to get over. There
will be therapy bills for you.
ELLIE
(shrugs)
I already made an appoi for later
today.
IKE
(putting the list
down, standing)
See? You want custody of my job? ...
Why not just sider my wrist slapped
and call me when you<a>.99lib.</a> feel Ive served
my time?
ELLIE
Im sorry, Ike. This is perma.
Fisher winces and looks away. Ike and Ellie look at each other
for a sober moment.
ELLIE (V.O.; td)
If you go quietly, Ill get you
severance pay.
Ellie fidgets with her toy rake, then Ike heads for the door.
He laughs a little at the painful truth of her words and walks
out. Ellie collapses ba her chair. Fisher goes to her and
rubs her shoulders.
EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY
Ike rides sadly on the back of a forklift, gets off and walks
out.
EXT. HALE RESIDENTIAL STREET - ANOTHER M
ANGLE ON MAGGIES HOUSE:
A train goes by. A modest clapboard house with a porch. Two
entrances. A PAPERBOY tosses a paper onto the lawn in front of
the house. The front door opens and Maggie appears fresh out of
bed, wearing only a jacket and panties. Heedless of being seen
this way, she scampers out to the sidewalk to pick up her
delivered paper: USA Today. She tears off the plastic bag and
rips into it, looking for her letter. She finds it. A smile on
her face, then she scampers bato the house.
INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - THAT MOMENT
Maggie skips bato her house which she shares with Father
and Grandma. A cozy and eclectic place creatively furnished on
a shoe-string. She rushes into: KIT WHERE BOB KELLY,
fiance #4, is pag s into a backpack. Bob, 38, has a
pleasant fad a body that is almost shogly buff. Hes
wearing a T-shirt that reads: "Mountaineers Do It Against the
Wall.", Maggie dances over, waving the paper and singing.
MAGGIE
She ed him, she ed him...
Bob test the weight of the backpack adding dehydrate food.
BOB
e here, Mag, and try this on.
Maggie puts the paper o ter and starts to read
aloud, paying no mind to Bob, who is stig her arms through
the straps of the backpack.
MAGGIE
Listen: "Dear Ms. Carpenter, I
apologize to you for this unfortunate
matter. Ike Grahams n will no
longer be appearing in this paper.
Best of lu you uping marriage!"
Bob tio hold up the weight of the backpack as he straps
it onto Maggies shoulders.
BOB
That-a-girl! You sacked him.
(cheg pack)
This is the weight of the pack youre
going to have to carry in the Himalayas.
Tell me if its too heavy.
Bob lets go and Maggie FALLS BACKWARD, disappearing behind the
ter, and hitting the floor, with a THUD. Bob looks down at
her. Maggies voice rises from the floor behind the ter.
MAGGIE (o.s.)
Its a little... Its a little heavy...
Help me, baby.
Bob has no answer. He reaches a hand down. He yelps as Maggie
pulls him down on top of her, out of frame. We HEAR them giggle
and kiss.
INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - ANOTHER DAY
Fisher uses the dock for a photo shoot featuring men and women
in evening and formal wear from Escada f.Q. Fisher is not
actually shooting the camera, but rather supervising it.
Fisher claps his hands and calls the models to attention. Then
he goes onto the stage ahe models in their positions.
FISHER (td)
Remember, utting the "fun" back
into formal.
(to Ike)
I just say that for the agency guys. I
dont even know what that means. Now
follow me.
INT. USA TODAY OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
Elevator doors open. Ike and Fisher exit and walk towards the
coffee table.
FISHER
Ike, I really liked the Runaway Bride
piece, and since I do freelauff
f.Q., Im in a different position
now...
IKE
What are y to say to me, Fish?
They stop walking.
FISHER
Vindication. How would you like to get
some? A ce to prove that, though
your facts wereirely straight,
your theory was correct.
IKE
(hiding his hope)
The real story on Miss Carpenter.
FISHER
All the gory details.
They start walking again.
IKE
(excited)
The anatomy of the black widow spider
of Maryland.
FISHER
It wouldnt be a bad way to get you
bato writiure pieces
again.
IKE
(enthusiastically)
This is good. It is a good story,
Fish.
They stop at the coffee table and grab something to eat.
FISHER
(nods)
If she runs, then its a cover story.
All true. All accurate.
IKE
(fesses)
Okay, you were right. I hated my
n, but I do this assig.
FISHER
Then youve got it. If you leave
tomorrow for the hinterlands, youll
have plenty of time before her
wedding trot.
IKE
"Paid vindication" Thats what I call
justice.
FISHER
Justice, yes. Paid, I dont know.
They like the idea, but my hands are
tied with budget restraints.
IKE
But Ill get my normal fee, right?
He walks away.
IKE
You wao do it on spec?!
He follows him.
CUT TO:
EXT. MARYLAND HIGHWAY - DAY
We see Ike driving down the highway. The car sputters a little
as he and Fisher tiheir versation in voice-over. (If
needed by the editor.)
FISHER (V.O.)
Dont say "spec" like its a dirty word.
Nobody ever paid Shakespeare to write a
play! Plato never got a book advance...
IKE (V.O.)
Oh yeah! I happen to know from
reliable sources that zche got
expenses and a rental car.
We hear Fisher laugh.
IKE (V.O.; td)
Im going to make this work, Fish. Im
going to do it!
Ikes car drives into Hale, passing a billboard reading,
"Wele to Hale."
CUT TO:
EXT. HALE STREET - DAY
Ike drives down picturesque Main Street. He passes Hale
Hardware. Sign says: "At Curl. Be back soon."
EXT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY
A BARBERSHOP QUARTET is singing in front of the only hotel in
town. Ike pulls up and goes inside.
INT. LOBBY/ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY
Ike has checked into the Atlantic Hotel. The clerk, LEE, hands
him his key. Ike asks about room servid the restaurant.
An OLDER WOMAN asks him if he plays bridge as he goes up the
stairs to his room.
EXT. HALE MAIN STREET - DAY
Ike exits his hotel as the Barber Shop Quartet finishes singing
"Camptown Races."
He now walks down the charming main artery of the town, looking
exactly like what he is: a iew York out of his element
on sunny Main Street, USA. KIDS ride by on bikes, streaming
balloons behind them. A balloon hits Ike on the face. As he
crosses the street, he mutters into his tape recorder:
IKE
I think Im in Maryberry.
Flags hang on all the storefronts and the place sparkles with
wholesome attitudes as PEOPLE greet each other familiarly. Ike
es to beauty parlor called "Curl Up and Dye". The place is
doing business and crowded with WOMEN.
INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY
dy, the manicurist, does Mrs. Pressmans nails. Maggie sits
on the floor o Peggys salon chair, fixing the base of a
barber chair. She tightens a screw and looks up, satisfied.
dys dog is on the floor near Maggie.
MAGGIE
dy, you better 86 Sprout. He seems
to be enjoying the petroleum
distillates.
dy rolls over in her chair, picks up her dog and rolls back
to her station.
DY
Thats it. Back to obedience school.
MAGGIE
(to Peggy)
Okay -- have a seat... gently,
carefully.
Peggy sits in the chair. Maggie spins her around and around.
PEGGY
(delighted as
she spins)
Youre a goddess!
MAGGIE
I didnt eveo ge this
gasket, just put in a little hydraulic
fluid.
PEGGY
Stop it. When you talk like that, I
get turned on and it frightens me.
JUST THEN. Ike ehe salon, taking off his sunglasses.
Peggy hops off the chair.
IKE
Hello. Im looking fgie
Carpehere was a sign at the
hardware store across the street...
PEGGY
Are you a reporter?
Its a little early in the game for Ike to be thrown off guard.
IKE
(shocked)
What?
PEGGY
(eyeing his loafers)
Its been our experiehat anyone
with some sort of gewgaw on his loafers
ends up being an city reporter
wanting to interview Maggie.
IKE
About her uping wedding and all.
PEGGY
No, about her getting that asshole from
New York fired.
Ike smiles down at his loafers and shrugs.
IKE
I am just such a reporter. And you are?
PEGGY
Peggy Phleming. Not the ice skater.
Peggy steps aside. Ike moves toward dy and Mrs. Pressman.
IKE
And who are these lovely ladies?
Te ladies shake his hand and introduce themselves.
DY
dy. Maggies unmarried cousin.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Mrs. Pressman. ion.
PEGGY
And you are?
IKE
(turning toward her)
Looking fgie.
PEGGY
Yep. Maggie -- Someoo see you.
Maggie looks over from her sitting position on the floor. She
gives Ike the once-over, fog on the shoes.
MAGGIE
(yelling to Peggy)
Reporter?
PEGGY
Yup!
Ike crouches to see Maggie on the floor just as she rises to her
feet. Ike straightens up. For a moment, he is thrown by her
beauty and intelligent eyes.
MAGGIE
I hope you have a different angle.
Its pretty much all been covered.
IKE
inality is my speciality.
MAGGIE
Excellent.
PEGGY
Hold on -- Nobody interviews Maggie in
here uheyre getting haircut.
MAGGIE
Shes the boss.
IKE
Sorry, no. I just got one.
MRS. PRESSMAN
(to Ike)
Excuse me, sir. I have an actual fact
for you.
IKE
(steps to Mrs. Pressman)
Yes, Mrs. Pressman.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Its her fourth time to the altar, you
know. Not seven like they said.
IKE
I know. Tell me something. Do you
think shes going to make it all the
way this time?
During the Ike/Mrs. Pressman exge, Maggie looks at Ike.
Theres something familiar about him. She looks over at Peggy
and bes her to a copy of Ikes n affixed to a mirror.
A goatee and horns, have been scrawled on Ikes byline picture.
Hes been "devilized". Peggy coughs as she reizes Ike in
the neer clipping.
MAGGIE
She swallowed her gun.
Mrs. Pressman tinues her story to Ike.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Im not sure. Mr. Schullian runs the
and, hes our local bookie, you
know, hes givi to one odds she
wont. He says shes so famous now,
maybe Vegas will give odds on her. Im
going to wait to hear what the pros say.
IKE
Good fact. Well, you let me know.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Oh, I will.
ANGLE ON:
Maggie indicates n to Peggy. She looks over at the part of
the shop used to wash and dye hair. Theres a sink, stool and a
et affixed to the wall above sink, which holds various
shampoos and hair dyes. Maggie gets an idea. Maggie and Peggy
step forward toward Ike.
MAGGIE
Well, instead of a haircut, how about
a wash? You know, get all that city
grit out of it.
IKE
Youll answer my questions?
Maggie nods affirmatively.
IKE (td)
(removing his jacket)
Fine. You wash, Ill ask the
questions.
PEGGY
Great.
Ike hands Peggy his jacket. A mystified Peggy leads Ike to the
sink. While she does this...
MAGGIE
Have a seat. Peggy, why dont you give
him the special treatment that
strehe follicles.
Ike sits in the chair he sink. Maggie shakes out a smock
and puts it around Ike.
MAGGIE (td)
So, what do you want to know?
Ike leans as his head on the sink. Peggy bends over him
as his hair. She grabs various hair c products.
IKE
Getting nervous?
MAGGIE
Nervous? Not at all! No. Ive never
been more certain in my life. Except
-- I am having all kinds of weird
dreams.
Ike pulls the cloth down from over his face.
IKE
Weird dreams? Yoing to tell me
about them?
MAGGIE
Yes.
PEGGY
(calming)
Lets just put this back here for the
aromatherapy.
Peggy recovers his face, then tio fuss with the hair
c products. Maggie helps.
INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - LATER
Ike sits with a towel over his head as Peggy blow-dries the back
of his head. His back is to the mirror, his body faces Maggie.
dy does her own nails as Mrs. Pressman scratches off lottery
tickets. The dog, Sprout, sits in is basket.
MAGGIE
In another one...
PETE, wearing a hat, es in the front door of the salon.
PEGGY
Hey, Pete, Ill be right with you.
Ike peeks out from under his towel as Maggie tinues.
MAGGIE
Im ihe church. Everyone I know
is there, only theyre not really them.
Theyre like Fraein monsters, but
without the bolts ing out of their
necks. Its all very "Night of the
Living Dead". And heres the creepiest
part -- I look down at my dress and
its red. I mean, I have no idea what
it means. Reds not my color!
Ike listens ily and stares steadily into her eyes. Peggy
removes the towel. His hair is divided into equal parts and
dyed e and red.
MAGGIE (td)
So what do you think?
Ike stares back at her, the tickle of suspi creeping up his
spine.
IKE
I think youd look good in red.
PEGGY
No, shes talking about your hair.
Maggie swivels his chair so that Ike faces the mirror. Ike
looks at his brightly colored hair.
MAGGIE
Youre all ready for football season,
Mr. Graham.
Ike stares at his hair in total fusion. With icy calm, Ike
rises from his chair and primps the end of his hair as if giving
it the finishing touches. Then he sees his defaeer
clipping and all bees clear. He picks up the article and
shows it to everyone. Ike does a slow burn.
IKE
Yes, I think I he personality
profile of the women of Hale.
Ike turns and puts the clipping up on the mirror.
IKE (td)
(to Peggy)
My jacket, please.
Peggy hands him his jacket.
IKE (td)
(sarcastically)
Thank you.
Ike moves toward the door. He spots Pete.
IKE (td)
(putting on jacket;
to Pete)
Excuse me, Pete, do you knolace
that sells shampoo... Strong shampoo?
PETE
Docs Pharmacy. Third and Elm. Tell
him Pete sent you. Want my hat?
IKE
No thanks.
Ike smiles at Maggie as.
MAGGIE
(to Peggy)
He seems crabby.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY
In front of beauty salon, Maggie follows Ike out.
MAGGIE
If youre looking for Elm Street, its
that way.
She puts on her sunglasses.
IKE
Thank you.
He walks the other way.
MAGGIE
If you came down here in the pursuit of
happiness, you might as well go back.
Because you t make me feel bad.
She stops walking and turns to Ike.
IKE
Im not here to make you feel bad. Im
here for vindication. In my heart...
MAGGIE
You have one?
Ike walks baaggie.
IKE
I feel Im right about you. You got me
fired, lady. You destroyed my
reputation and you screwed up my hair.
You chew men up, spit them out and
loved it. And Im dowo satisfy
myself on that point.
PASSERSBY stare at Ikes hair and giggle.
MAGGIE
Did something happen to make you care
about reality?
IKE
Yes. vi. vi that Im
onto the truth. Yoing to do the
same thing to "poor bastard number four"
that you did to the last three. Youre
going to run again. And Im not
leaving until you do.
MAGGIE
Yoing to be very disappointed.
IKE
Well see.
MAGGIE
Id love to stay and chat, but Ive got
to get back to work. I still have my
job.
He stares at her for a beat, stung by her words.
MAGGIE
I have nothing to hide, Mr. Graham.
Talk to whoever you want. You might
actually stumble upon a fact or two.
Maggie walks away. Ike walks a few steps and stops at a KID on
a bike.
IKE
Hey, kid, Ill give you ten bucks for
your hat.
Kid agrees. Ike puts the hat on and starts to cross the street.
An OLD WOMAN walks by and hits him with a neer. Ike is
stunned.
EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK
Maggie pulls into the driveway iruck. Shes in a fine
mood as she walks right in the house.
INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK
Bob, Walter, and Maggies GRANDMOTHER JULIA sit in the living
room. Grandma is sewing one of Maggies wedding veils. Walter
drinks wine, Ike wears a hat.
WALTER
You know, when I only see one dog, I
know Ive had too much to drink.
Te family dog, Skipper, sits near a ceramic dog table. Maggie
smiles as she walks in the front door and puts dowool box
and bag.
MAGGIE
Youll never guess who came crawling
into town with his tail between his
legs.
IKE (o.s.)
Who?
Maggie ehe parlor to see Ike smiling evilly from his seat
on the couch.
IKE (td)
(ily)
Hello, Maggie. I just came by to
apologize to your family.
(looks to Walter)
When Im wrong, Im wrong. I pushed a
story. I made a mistake.
WALTER
In other words -- hes only human. An
he brought us a bottle of wine.
Raises the bottle to Maggie.
IKE
They made me put my hat ba.
WALTER
Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of
Skipper.
MAGGIE
Youve got to be kidding me.
Maggie stares at them both.
BOB
(enjoying the moment)
No, no, you should have seen Skipper.
(then, imitates
growling)
It wasnt that funny.
Maggie gives him a look that says, "You are not absolved." She
smiles stiffly, looking back at Ike. She then sits on the arm
of Bobs chair and puts her arm on his shoulder.
MAGGIE
So, the forces of good and evil have
already met.
Maggie takes the witle from the table o Walter. She
snaps a look to Bob, who follows her.
BOB
Ill help you take into the kit.
GRANDMA JULIA
Che the crabs, Bob.
We overhear them murmuring in aones about the wedding
plans as they exit... Walter puts down his drink.
IKE
Gee, I hope they dont have a fight out
there. You dont think theyll call it
off...?
WALTER
Well, wedding cake freezes. This we
know.
IKE
You know, your daughter seems...
Ike notices that hes beeo the veil.
GRANDMA JULIA
Sorry.
IKE
Thats okay, Grandma.
Grandma cuts the thread and separates the veil from Ikes sleeve.
IKE (td)
(tinuing his thought)
... Like such a lovely girl.
Walter points to a portrait painting on the wall.
WALTER
Like her mother.
IKE
(seeing the portrait)
Ah, beautiful.
(gets up to admire
the portrait)
I just t see her leaving multiple
grooms in the dust like that.
GRANDMA JULIA
Oh, yes, you . Shes has em all on
tape.
IKE
She has a tape?
WALTER
(good-natured)
Yeah. Lee at the hotel videos wedding.
I mean Maggie didnt know she was going
to make the hundred-yard dash.
Walter gestures to a pile of video cassettes on the bookcase.
Ike checks oapes.
IKE
Dads fishing trip, Grandmas knee
operation, Grandmas birthday...
WALTER
Gotta tell you this about my daughter.
My daughter makes real good time, even
in a long dress and heels. Maggie may
not be Hales lo running joke, but
she certainly is the fastest.
Walter cracks up.
GRANDMA JULIA
(sarcastically)
Ha ha.
CLOSE ON: A tape. It reads: "Maggie I, II, III." Ikes
i is more than piqued. Ike picks it up. They get up and
go to the dining room.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DINNING ROOM/MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT
The family dog, Skipper, steals food from the table. Walter
scolds him. Walter whacks his crab with his hammer and Ike
copies him.
WALTER (td)
Emma and I were only blessed with one
child, not for lag .
MAGGIE
This is good, Dad, dont leave anything
out.
Ikes hammer flies out of his hand. He goes to pick it up.
WALTER
So Ive e to see it as a bonus,
really, that weve been able to plan,
and pay for, so many weddings.
MAGGIE
Not this ohis ones on me.
Walter reacts.
IKE
Thats fair.
MAGGIE
Despite what you think, I dont do it
on purpose. And I have no iion of
doing it again.
BOB
Thats right, Maggie. Just keep your
eye on the ball.
Ike raises his eyebrows iion. Bob explains.
BOB (td)
Sports psychology. It was my major in
college.
IKE
Ahh.
BOB
(false modesty)
Im the towns unofficial fitness
trainer. Big advocate of the mind and
body bining for success. You could
say or you quote me, Im a glass
half full king of guy.
MAGGIE
(boasting)
Bobs the head of the P.E. department
at the high school. And he coaches the
football team. And hes climbed
Everest.
To Maggies satisfa, Ike shoots Bob a look of begrudging
respeobody whos been up Everest is a total .
IKE
(impressed)
Everest. Is that right?
MAGGIE
Twice...
IKE
Really?
MAGGIE
(stig it to Ike)
Without oxygen...
BOB
My girl likes t about me.
Bob and Maggie kiss Ike two little love-birds.
BOB (td)
Im takirekking on Annapurna on
our honeymoon.
Ike is highly amused.
IKE
How romantic.
MAGGIE
(sharply)
We think so.
IKE
Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed
with two Sherpas and a yak.
Walter cracks up, Maggie shoots Ike a look. He smiles back.
CUT TO:
INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM/INT. FISHER AND ELLIES BEDROOM (NYC)
I TELEPHONE VERSATION
Fisher and Ellie are exerg. Fisher is on a cycle mae.
Ellie does yoga stretches. Ike sits ba the couch, puts on
his glasses and watches a video taped wedding playing oV
s. Superimposed titles read "Brian Norris wedding."
IKE
(to Fisher; into phone)
You wont believe what Im looking at,
Fisher. A videotape of all three train
wrecks.
THE TV - CLOSE
Two flirls and Peggy enter a crowded church where the
groom, Brian, and his best man wait at the altar.
Now we see Maggie e down the aisle, then ast the altar.
We see Maggie move away another aisle and out of the church.
SHOCKED WEDDING GUESTS rise in horror, as she runs from this
first wedding. She drags the train boy up the sed aisle as
she leaves. Ike hangs up. He gets up to pick up the remote and
then sits back down to watch.
The tape fast-forwards to the wedding. Now Ike is looking
at a much more relaxed, hipper, backyard wedding. It says,
"Gill Chavez Wedding". He hits the fast-forward button
(sometimes slowing down).
ON TV:
We see the Carpenters backyard. It is Gill and Maggies
wedding day. The yard is crowded with a MIXTURE of Hells
Aypes, Deadheads and townspeople. The "altar" is a band
platfainst the back fence.
Gill is waiting on the platform with a robo playing
Grateful Dead-type music. He makes an introductory speech.
Maggie steps out onto the back porch. Shes beautiful in a
hippie-type wedding ensemble. She walks with her father to a
trampoline. We see her tattoo. She jumps orampoline,
then dives into the crowd. They watch her and body surf her
over their heads to the back fence.
As she hits the stage, she looks at Peggy and Gill, then decides
to go. She jumps off the stage and runs up to a passing GUY on
a dirt bike. She jumps on and turns and waves as she rides
away. During the video, Ike scribbles: "Gill Chavez". Maggie
goes off on dirt bike. The tape fast-forwards to the last of
Maggies fiascoes.
OV
He now sees the third wedding. Its outdoors, in a tree lined
area, MUSIS plays. Ike laughs as he discovers that Maggie
approaches the altar on horseback, in a simple white dress,
wearing a of flowers. The Maid Marian look. Ike slows the
tape.
ON TV: IT SAYS, "GEE SWILLING WEDDING".
As Maggie rides down the aisle, suddenly the horse whinnies!
Maggie has kicked it in the shins. It rears and bolts,
galloping off with the bride. Ike FREEZE FRAMES the tape on an
image of Maggie, hair blowing. Although she is panic-stri,
her soul seems to shihrough in tat single frame. As Ike
stares at her, the smirk fades from his face. He just looks at
her, allowing himself to see her expression, her eyes. He t
help it.
She gets to him. Ike gets a restless look on his face. He
stares closely. The groom is Gee from the bar.
IKE
Kamikaze!
CUT TO:
EXT. TE TROUT BAKERY - THE DAY
Establishing. High angle wide shot of a bakery in Hale. Ike
exits a neighb shop and walks down the block. He pauses in
front of the bakery to take a look at Maggies truck. As he
does, a middle-aged BlaAN walks by and whacks him with a
neer. Ike is stunned as she walks off. He turns to a MAN
sitting on a bench.
IKE
Did you see that?
CUT TO:
INT. THE TROUT BAKERY - TINUOUS
CLOSE ON a group of plastis and brides on a ter top.
MRS. TROUT is behind the ter helping Maggie with a sele
of grooms for her wedding cake. The groom figures are spread out
on the ter. All sizes and colors, some attached to brides,
some solo, some tuxes, some in dinner jackets.
MRS. TROUT
This ones very popular, but oh, youve
used this one before... Brian. But I
like the white dinner jacket.
MAGGIE
No, hes no good. Too blond.
MRS. TROUT
(picks up another)
Well go with total traditional.
MAGGIE
Too dark.
Then, Ike es up behind her as she discards anroom.
IKE
But hes got the Bobsters eyes.
Maggie ges at the sound of Ikes voice.
IKE (td)
No -- the Bobsters eyes are closer set.
She ignores him and tinues her search.
IKE (td)
(to Mrs. Trout)
Could I have two coffees, please? And
what is that wonderful smell?
(seeing the
amon rolls)
Ill have two of those delicious
looking amon rolls.
MRS. TROUT
Sure.
(pig up a
miniature bride)
Here, Maggie. I think this makes the
best you.
Mrs. Trout steps away to get his order. Ike moves to the other
side of Maggie and picks up the bride and groom figure.
IKE
Lets see... Excuse me, isnt that cute?
Ahh...
He makes the bride figure repeatedly knock the groom figure in
the head and run away screaming.
IKE (td)
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Oh, help me!
Help me! Yup! Thats her all right.
Mrs. Trout just about bursts a gut laughing. Maggie takes the
bride from Ike coldly.
MRS. TROUT
You must be that Mr. Graham fellow.
Ike turns and goes to her.
IKE
Yes, I am. And who are you?
MRS. TROUT
Betty Trout. Five dollars.
IKE
(as he pays)
Oh, Betty. I take it yoing to
be making the wedding cake and they say
youre throwing --
MRS. TROUT
(interrupting)
-- The luau fgie.
She starts pig lint off his sleeve and buttons his cuff.
MAGGIE
(all smiles for
Mrs. Trout)
Grandma made me the cutest outfit. I
t wait to show it to you.
IKE
(ical delight)
A pre-wedding luau?
MRS. TROUT
Yes. My husband and I love luaus.
Itll be fun.
Mrs. Trout turns and grabs Ikes bag taining two coffees.
IKE
Fun? Fun isnt the word.
Mrs. Trout beams. Maggie uands his answer a little better.
Mrs. Trout hands Ike his items and he pays.
MRS. TROUT
If youre still in town, you should
stop by.
MAGGIE
No, Im sure he doesnt.
IKE
(to Mrs. Trout)
Actually, I would love to e.
(taps her service bell)
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Maggie steps over, carrying her bride and groom figure choices.
MAGGIE
(exasperated)
Is that what yoing to do now?
Follow me around everywhere I go?
Ike smiles at Maggie enigmatically as he picks up his order and
heads for the door.
IKE
No.
He starts to leave with his bag. Mrs. Trout stops him.
MRS. TROUT
(handing him the
)
Your two amon rolls.
IKE
Bye, Betty. Thanks.
He leaves.
MAGGIE
Hes not a nice person.
Maggie hands Mrs. Trout her bride and broom figures. Maggie
looks at Mrs. Trout, suddenly nervous. She dashes out. Mrs.
Trout imitates Ike bamming the bride and groom, laughing.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
Various High School SPORTS TEAMS practice. Maggie strides across
the football field, a scowl on her face. A few HIGH SCHOOL
FOOTBALL PLAYERS job past Maggie, doing laps. A boy, KENDALL,
calls out to her affeately as she passes. One of them,
DENNIS, slows his pace to run alongside Maggie.
DENNIS
(playful)
Maggie, dont marry Coach! Marry me.
I love you.
MAGGIE
Youre jail bait, Dennis. Go away.
Run your laps. Go. Go.
Dennis runs on as Maggie tioward her goal: Bob and Ike,
standing together oher side of the field.
ANGLE ON BOB AND IKE
Theyre both standing on the blog sled. Wave after wave of
VARSITY FOOTBALL PLAYERS ram into the sled and drive it across
the field with both Ike and Bob on top of it. Ike is mung on
one of the amon rolls as Bob pushes the KIDS.
BOB
Drive! Drive! From your hips, get low,
get low, get low. !
Ike smiles broadly atop of the sled as he sees Maggie
approag, looking mighty peeved. He nudges Bob and points to
Maggie. Bob lights up at the sight of her.
BOB (td)
Good job, gentlemen... Special teams.
The football players move away from the sled. Bob moves to
Maggie, leaves Ike alone.
BOB (td)
(to Maggie)
Hey, honey!
Bob kisses and embraces Maggie. She doesnt see Ike immediately,
then:
MAGGIE
(indig Ike)
What is he up to now?
BOB
Ike just came by to check out the team.
IKE
And talk about you.
Ike grins and shows Maggie the notes in his pocket.
MAGGIE
Bob -- are you making friends with this
man?
BOB
Im just bragging about how great you
are. Im the luckiest man alive.
Bob grabs Maggie around the waist and smooches her adly.
Maggie scowls at Ike. He nods, all charm.
IKE
Well -- Ive got to get moving -- lot
of work to do today! Ill see you two
love-birds later.
Ike leaves. Bob calls after him.
BOB
See you at the wedding.
IKE
You bet ya, Coach.
Maggie is aghast. She stares at Bob. Ike joins in behind a line
of peppy cheerleaders.
MAGGIE
At the wedding? You invite him? Bob,
dont you realize hes writing another
article about me?
BOB
Sure I do. But the bet defense is a
good offense, right? Youre not going
to let your oppohrow you off
yame.
MAGGIE
You dont uand this guy.
BOB
Let him e to the wedding. Youre
not running, right? Say it. "Im
not..."
MAGGIE
(irritably)
Im not running.
BOB
So if youre not running and Ike Graham
is there to see it, then any article he
writes has got to have a happy ending,
right? All were doing is turning
lemon into lemonade.
MAGGIE
Ive got news for you. No amount of
sugar and water is going to turn like
Graham into something you want to take
on a piic.
Bob gives Maggie a big hug.
BOB
Wheres that homemade sunshine?
Bob blows his whistle, then puts Maggie on the football sled.
BOB (td)
I want you boys to take my princess on
the ride of her life... Hoell em
where you parked your car.
Maggie screams as the boys push her down the football field.
INT. FESSIONAL BOOTH/CHURCH - DAY
Maggie kneels, hands folded reverently. The booths grate opens
before her.
MAGGIE
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
My last fession was... ahh...
She tries to recall.
MAGGIE (td)
... Anyway, I have sort of a teical
question here. Ive been having -- bad
thoughts. I mean, really bad thoughts
...
PRIEST
Of an impure nature?
MAGGIE
No -- like -- Im having a problem with
that whole turher-cheek cept.
I want revenge. I want to destroy this
guys life, career, everything. On the
sin scale, how big is that? I mean,
I "Hail Mary" my way out of it?
PRIEST
Child, any sin in ones heart is...
MAGGIE
(impatient)
The names Maggie. It wasnt this side
of ten years ago that you had your
tongue down my throat. So dont call
me "child", Brian. It annoys me.
PRIEST/ BRIAN
Now do upset.
Brian closes the fessional window as
MAGGIE
(still inside
the booth)
Brian, open up. Dont ignore me.
Brian leans into her fessional. She steps out to join him.
BRIAN
Youre not even Catholic, Maggie -- you
really shouldnt e to fession.
Hes a nice looking ale man. They regard each other for a
beat.
MAGGIE
Im sorry. Im just so stressed out
about that slime-ball reporter being in
town. I jus had to e warn you he
might show up here and start asking you
all kinds of ridiculous questions.
Brian moves away. Maggie follows and sits in a nearby pew.
BRIAN
Actually, he only asked me one
ridiculous question. The rest werent
so bad.
MAGGIE
(sliding along
the pew)
What? You talked to him! Did you tell
him we dated before you were a priest?
BRIAN
Yes, yes, Im sure I only did you good,
Maggie.
MAGGIE
What did he ask?
A woman, MRS. MURPHY, rushes in.
MRS. MURPHY
Father, am I too late?
BRIAN
No, no.
MRS. MURPHY
It wont take long. Jus two venials.
The woman goes into the fessional booth to wait.
BRIAN
Only respectful things. What did we
have in on back then... What kind
of music did you like... Did you ruin
my life when you left me standing at
the altar...
MAGGIE
And what did you say?
BRIAN
How could I be angry at you when
clearly what has happeo me is as
God intended?
MAGGIE
(relieved)
Good ohanks.
BRIAN
It happens to be how I feel.
Brian sits o Maggie.
MAGGIE
God... Of course. Im sorry -- I mean,
Im...
(sighs)
Brian -- Ive got to go. The mans a
lunatic, but I kly where hes
goi.
BRIAN
God bless you, Maggie.
She turns to rush out, then stops herself.
MAGGIE
Oh, wait, my purse.
She moves to the fessional, knocks, then speaks to Mrs. Murphy.
MAGGIE (td)
Excuse me, sorry, fot my purse.
Good luck.
Maggie closes the booth curtain and turns to Brian.
MAGGIE (td)
Wait -- what was the ridiculous
question he asked?
Brian smiles mischievously.
BRIAN
He wao know how you used to like
ys.
MAGGIE
Weird. Like after all those years you
would remem--
She starts to go, then stops iracks as she hears:
BRIAN
(interrupting)
-- Scrambled, with salt, pepper and
dill. Same as me.
Maggie looks at Brian. Suddenly, she remembers too.
MAGGIE
(tenderly)
Im really sorry that I hurt you, Brian.
BRIAN
Im happy here, where Im supposed to
be. But if you ever bee a Catholic,
may I ask you a favor, Maggie?
MAGGIE
Of course.
BRIAN
Could your fess to Father Patrick
from now on?
MAGGIE
Of course.
And she scampers out. Brian goes bato the fessional.
EXT. GILLS GARAGE - DAY
Maggie drives up to an old brick firehouse that is now an auto
garage. The faded sign reads: "Gills Garage".
INT. GILLS GARAGE - DAY
Maggie rushes inside and looks around. No one is in sight.
Several cars, including a yellow jeep-like car up on a hydraulic
lift, are in the funky garage.
MAGGIE
Gill? Lydia? Gill?
A CRASH, ing from the nearby ba, we hear loud muttering
in Spanish, then out stumbles GILL CHAVEZ, 34, wearing a grease-
stained Grateful Dead tie-dyed T-shirt. He grins triumphantly,
worshipfully cradling a CASSETTE TAPE in his hands.
GILL
Hey -- I found it!
Maggie regards her former fiah patient warmth.
MAGGIE
Found what?
Gill looks up and gives Maggie a fond, hazy smile.
GILL
Mags! Hey, look -- The tape from the
Radio City Music Hall cert --
Remember that night I as trying to get
Jerry to let me sit in on "Ripple"?
He pulls out the cassette from its case. Its broken. The tape
is dangling from the cassette.
GILL (td)
(disappointed)
Oh, Ill play it for you.
Gill picks up aric GUITAR and starts to play.
MAGGIE
(shouts over the music)
Listen, Gill -- Theres this reporter
whos ben making my life a living hell
... If he es by here, dont talk to
him. And whatever yo do....
(crosses to Gill)
... Dont show him that picture of me
at the cert in San Francisco --
Suddenly, a loud CHUG emanates from the car overhead.
MAGGIE (td)
What was that?
Maggie stops Gill from playing. She shoots her ex an angry glare
and moves a lever on the shop wall. With a HUM, the car desds.
GILL
We went to San Francisco twice.
Remember oime we had a flat tire...
Which picture?
As the hydraulic lift slows, the car is lowered, revealing Ike
sitting in the drivers seat. He has been enjoying the
photograph hes holding.
IKE
(feigning shock)
Imagine! Maggie Carpeopless in a
public arena.
(checks photo again)
And I see there was a chill in the air.
Maggie swipes for the photo, but Ike is faster at pulling it away.
MAGGIE
Give me that!
IKE
But the most iing thing here is
that I dohe rose tattoo that
Ive heard about on your back.
Gill takes off his guitar as it down.
GILL
Ike bet me fifty bucks you dont still
have it, Mags. I said "Youre on, man!
Maggie loved that thing!" And I could
really use fifty bucks.
Maggie is spicuously silent.
GILL (td)
(looking worried)
Mags?
MAGGIE
Im not gonna show you guys anything.
I am a soon-to-be-married woman. Now
give me that photograph.
Maggie seethes.
IKE
Sure, I would love to give this to you.
Just give us one quick ga that
rose, and, Ill gladly hand it over.
She tries to grab the photo again. Ike pulls it away.
MAGGIE
Fine. Here.
Maggie quickly turns around and pulls down the back of her shirt,
revealing the top of her bad a pristine expanse of skin. No
tattoo.
MAGGIE (td)
(turning back around)
Satisfied?
IKE
pletely.
Gill is still trying to grasp the meaning of this.
GILL
Maggie? You got it removed?
IKE
Gill, Ill go ya double or nothing if
was a sti.
GILL
(dismayed)
Maggie?
MAGGIE
(admitting)
Im really, really afraid of needles...
It doesnt make me a bad person.
Ike laughs. Maggie looks at him with rage. Gill dramatically
pulls down the front of his t-shirt.
GILL
Look.
There it is on Gills chest: the rose tattoo. Maggie sighs,
pained. Gill shows it to Ike. Ike looks at the tattoo. He
shakes his head at Maggie.
IKE
(sincerely)
Look, look, man. I think the man is
heartbroken.
MAGGIE
He is not!
Maggie moves the lever on the wall again, sending Ike back up to
the ceiling in the car. She grabs the photo from Ike as.
GILL
I think I am.
Gill grabs his guitar and sits.
GILL (td)
Hey, Ike, what would Jerry do?
The hydraulic lift stops moving. Ike leans out.
IKE
Jerry. Hed play. Hed play... Jerry
would play his heart out.
Ike sings and taps along in tempo on the side of the car as Gill
sings and plays "Ripple".
CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL PORCH - DAY, SATURDAY M
As Maggie drives into town with Peggy, they see Ike on porch with
SHERIFF, POLICE CHIEF and MAIL MAN, all playing instruments as
a blues band. Ike is not bad on slide guitar. They all like
Ike.
Maggie "CHUFFAS" with Peggy and moves on.
EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD - LATER THAT DAY
CLOSE ON:
The slow, loopy pitch of a softball. A bat ects.
NEW ANGLE:
A big wholesome man, CORY, runs for first base. He just beats
out the throw. Bob, ag as umpire, yells, "Safe!" Happy,
Cory turns to the stands and waves.
ANGLE ON:
Maggie and Peggy, cheering loudly. Peggy tries to whoop harder
than Maggie, but that would be tough. From firs base, Cory waves
back to them. The two women sit back down and Maggie takes back
up with their versation. Maggie is still al steamed up.
MAGGIE
Okay, hes on base. we talk about
my life now? -- Ikes going to turn
that tattoo stuff into a big deal --
that I was never serious about Gill,
blah blah. Hes totally out to get me.
PEGGY
For what reason? Some personal
satisfa?
MAGGIE
Thats what he says, but if he thinks
that I dont realize hes writing
another article, then hes an idiot.
PEGGY
Its probably because you got him fired.
MAGGIE
(sarcastic)
Ya think?
PEGGY
Not that he doesnt deserve to get
fired... Look! Coing for
sed!... Sneaky!
ANGLE ON:
Cory as he runs for sed base and with a slide beats the throw
for the force out. The women jump and cheer -- Maggie, again,
the most boisterous.
ANGLE ON:
Dennis reizes Ike as he walks up. Dennis tells Ike that he
is going to marry Maggie some day and shows Ike where Maggie is
sitting.
ANGLE ON:
Maggie spots Ike as they sit back down. She groans.
MAGGIE
There he is. Snoop Doggy-Dogg.
PEGGY
Where?
MAGGIE
Over there. Ten oclock. Hes talking
to our little Dennis. Dennis will turn
into one of those "sources say" things.
PEGGY
He looks better with that stuff out of
his hair. Hes an attractive man.
Ike finds Maggie in the crowd and leaves Dennis.
MAGGIE
Id say youve been in the sun too long.
You handle him, okay? I could use five
minutes off from that creep.
Before Peggy protest, Maggie climbs down off the bleachers
and goes and stands he dugout he rest of Corys team.
PEGGY
Okay, thats fine. I do that.
Ike es up to Peggy.
IKE
Hello, Peggy Phleming, "not the ice-skater".
Ike indicates the seat o Peggy.
PEGGY
(protesting weakly)
Thats Maggies seat...
Ike sits down fortably.
IKE
... And this is Maggies beer.
He starts drinking it. ON THE FIELD, Cory is getting ready to
steal third.
IKE (td)
That your husband out there? Cory
Phleming, a local radio announcer.
PEGGY
Have you listeo his m show,
"Wake up with ballplayer"?
IKE
Not yet. I had a phlemless m. I
hear hes a pretty good ballplayer.
PEGGY
This game is pretty important to him.
He made all-stars in high school, you
know.
IKE
That must have made you proud.
Peggy takes a small sip off her soda.
PEGGY
He was going with Maggie back then.
(quickly)
He was never one of her... I mean, they
were never going to get... They just
dated for a while.
Cory dives in for third and makes it. The crowd goes wild.
Peggy yells and jumps in.
PEGGY (td)
Good job, honey!
But Maggies whoop sails out above it all. Cory waves. But not
at Peggy. He directs his delight at Maggie, who jumps up and
down by the dugout.
Ike looks between Cory, Maggie and finally, Peggy. Peggy jerks
her waving hand back down to her side and sits down. Ike
pretends not to have noticed. The two watch as Maggie and Cory
smile at each other.
IKE
Its hat theyre still friends.
PEGGY
(looking at Maggie
and Cory)
Oh, sure. That was a long time ago.
See, shes not a man-hater at all.
Shes very supportive of men...
BATTER hits oo deep left field and it lands in the grave
yard. Cory scores, greeted by Maggie. Ike and Peggy watch as
Cory and Maggie belly-bump and high-five each other in
celebration of Corys play. No looks at Peggy. Ike keeps an
empathetic silence, seeing that Peggy is truly hurt.
PEGGY (td)
Ill be ba a sed.
Suddenly, Peggy stands, pushes past him and runs doweps.
Maggie looks up just in time to catch Peggys exit. Ike pulls
his tape recorder out of his pocket and starts speaking into it.
Maggie shoots Ike an acg look, walks up to him in the
bleachers and sits o him.
MAGGIE
Youve been here for three minutes.
What did you do to her?
IKE
You turn that finger around.
Ike does an oton imitation of Maggie jumpiedly
at Cory. Now Maggie sees what hes getting at.
MAGGIE
(defensive)
You misinterpret everything. Weve all
been friends our whole lives. But
thats the types of relationship you
wouldnt uand.
IKE
Obviously, Im not the only one who
doesnt uand it. The USS Maggie
leaves quite a wake... Excuse me.
Ike walks away. Alone, Maggie tries to seem enthused.
MAGGIE
See, I cheer good. What is he, a cheer
critic?
EXT./INT. STREET/BAR - LATER - DUSK
Sitting in front of Inn Hale Bar, we see the BARTENDER
pantomiming holding the reins of a wildly galloping horse. Weve
seen something like this before. Maggies wild ride away from
her last wedding. Ike laughs with Bartender just as Maggie
drives by the bar ahis.
MAGGIE
(to herself)
This guy ops.
INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - NIGHT
Maggie walks up to the front desk of the hotel, where Lee is
sleeping with his feet up. She knocks his feet off the ter.
MAGGIE
Lee, hey, wake up. Give me the key to
the reporters room. I want to snoop
around.
LEE
(handihe key)
Okay. Sed floor.
MAGGIE
Thanks.
LEE
Dont take anything big.
Maggie moves up the stairs towards Ikes room.
INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Maggie walks towards Ikes room, checks that no one sees her and
enters.
INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - TINUOUS
Maggie lets herself in the modest room and turns on the lights
on. She spots on audio cassette on the desk he door. She
holds the cassette up to the light to read the hand-written
label. It says "Miles Davis" on it. She pockets the tape. She
walks to the living room.
MAGGIES POV:
Ike has placed post-its on a framed picture, using the frame as a
bulletin board. Post-it notes lay out the information he has
gathered under headings and subheadings. Parents "Mother"
deceased, subheaded by "Walter" and there is one for "Brian",
"Gill", and "Bob". Maggie smiles and shakes her head. She rips
one post-it down and reads it to herself.
MAGGIE
(reads)
"How does she get all these guys to
propose? Shes not that beautiful."
(snorts)
Bite me, paper boy.
She begins ripping many of other post-it off the picture frame.
MAGGIE (td)
(as she takes post-its)
Rude...
Shes ripping them down, fast and furious, then shoves them in
her shoulder bag.
INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL HALLWAY - TINUING
Ike es down hallway as Harvey puts his shoes out to be shined.
BASIDE THE ROOM
Maggie, looking around, discovers the wedding video on the
coffee table and grabs that, too.
MAGGIE (td)
Thief!
THE SOUND OF A KEY IN THE DOOR makes Maggie jump. She flees to
the bathroom, and shuts and locks the door. Just as Ike enters,
he sniffs and looks around the room, instantly knowing something
is up. He sees all his notes gone and a glimpse of Maggie as she
closes the bathroom door. Ike is steaming. A BUMP sounds from
the bathroom. He goes over to the door and tries the handle.
Its locked. He starts to pound on the door.
IKE
All right, I know youre in there...
You steal my research... Youre messing
with the first ame now. Open up.
Open up. You got no place to go.
INT. IKES HOTEL BATHROOM - TINUING
Ikes wrong. Maggie is already trying to open the first
bathroom window. Its stuck. She climbs over the bathtub,
opens that window and starts to climb out.
IKE
I want to have a very serious discussion
with you as to why youre such a pain in
the ass.
We HEAR Ike slamming his body against the bathroom door.
As Ike breaks in, he runs to the window and yells after her.
EXT. IKES HOTEL WINDOW - TINUOUS
IKE (td)
Thats breaking aering. Ill call
the sheriff.
MAGGIE
You do that. And remind him hes
bringing the wio the luau. Thanks.
She disappears around the ledge of the building and runs off.
Ikes neighbor, Harvey, sits reading near his window.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT
Establishing.
INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT
CLOSE ON: A CASSETTE PLAYER. We see the familiar handwritten
label: "Miles Davis." "Kind of Blue" plays as Maggie listens in
a chair, looking shell-shocked, surrounded by the post-its she
stole from Ikes room. We see as she reads them: "Father, two-
fisted drinker," "Peggy, best friend, but Peggy doesnt totally
trust Maggie," "Bob" -- doesnt love him. Overwhelmed, she
finishes reading the last note, leans back, puts her feet up on
the table, deep in the mood of the melanusic.
The CAMERA MOVES on the last note on the floor o her chair.
It reads: "SHOWS NO REMORSE".
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
EXT. MAIN STREET/BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY
Its early m. Mrs. Pressman hands Peggy a cup of coffee
to go. Peggy walks to the beauty parlor, unlocks the front door
and goes in.
INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY
Peggy enters and starts about her opening duties. She turns on
the lights and turns and sees her friend, Maggie.
MAGGIE
Do you think I flirt with Cory?
Peggy stops irack. Maggie is sitting curled up in a salon
chair. She looks like she hasnt slept.
PEGGY
Good m to you, too. You look good.
MAGGIE
Thank you. Do you think I flirt with
Cory?
PEGGY
Yes.
Maggie looks miserable.
MAGGIE
I dont mean it.
Peggy moves to the salon mirror near Maggie with her cup of
coffee.
PEGGY
I know. I think sometimes you just
sort of spaz-out with random excess
flirtation energy and it just lands on
anything male that moves.
MAGGIE
On anything male that moves? As
opposed to anything male that doesnt
move?
Peggy pours her coffee out of its Styrofoam cup into a ceramic mug.
PEGGY
Like certain kinds of coral.
Peggy sits in the salon chair o Maggie.
MAGGIE
Im going to kill myself.
PEGGY
Why?
MAGGIE
Because you think Im all like... "Hey
man, check me out".
PEGGY
(friendly)
No, I dont think youre like, "Im
charming and mysterious in a way that
even I dont uand and something
about me is g out for prote
from a big man like you". Very hard
to pete with. Especially to us
married women who have lost our mystery.
MAGGIE
But you havent lost your mystery!
Youre very mysterious!
PEGGY
No. Im weird. Weird and mysterious
are two different things.
MAGGIE
But Im weird.
PEGGY
No. Youre quirky. Quirky and weird
are two different things.
MAGGIE
Peggy, theres distinct possibility
that I might be profoundly and
irreversibly screwed up. Despite that,
I love you and I promise that I
will no longer flirt with Cory, and I
beg your fiveness.
Maggie looks ready to cry.
PEGGY
Im not worried about you and Cory or
Cory and me or even that youre
irreversibly screwed up. But, Maggie,
youve been like this since we were
kids. And I think now that you are
aware of it and that it hurts peoples
feelings, maybe its time to move on
with your life and it to someone of
your own, like Bob, if hes the one.
MAGGIE
I think youre right.
(then)
Is there anything I do to make it
up to you?
PEGGY
Something that brings warmth to my heart.
(pause)
Duckbill platypus.
MAGGIE
Its only funny at Camp Birchwood at
three in the m at a tick hunt.
Its not anymore.
Maggie makes her funny face. Peggy doesnt laugh.
PEGGY
Youre right. Its not funny now.
Maybe we both grew up.
MAGGIE
Thanks. Will you fix my hair?
CUT TO:
EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - LATER THAT M
Maggie exits her house, gets on her bike and rides off towards
town.
INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - LATER THAT M
Ike is still in bed. He slowly blinks awake, stretches, and is
about to throw off the covers when Maggies voice breaks the
silence.
MAGGIE
Freeze. Hold on to those covers -- I
didnt e here to see Ike Junior.
Maggie smiles cheerfully at Ike from the foot of the bed. He
narrows his eyes at her.
IKE
I take it the desk clerk is one of your
many admirers.
MAGGIE
(deadpan)
How do I do it? Im not that beautiful.
Ike notices Maggie is holding two coffees.
IKE
Coffee. Now.
Maggie hands it to him.
MAGGIE
Youre wele. Your notes made
iiime reading -- if you
like trashy fi. Your observations
are distorted, ungrounded an inplete.
You must be very proud.
IKE
Im not a boastful man. Whats your
point?
Ike puts a shirt on as Maggie speaks.
MAGGIE
My point is that one again, youre
getting it all wrong. That wont
improve your reputation any, and its
not very flattering to me either. So,
Im going to give you a ce to write
the truth.
IKE
Really.
Maggie turns away from him as he dresses.
MAGGIE
Ive decided to cooperate a you
interview me.
(beat)
For a thousand bucks.
Ike clears his throat as he stands putting his pants on.
MAGGIE (td)
I want a big wedding and a killer dress
and frand I will answer all your
questions a you follow me around.
Ike takes his coffee with him as he picks up his glasses, puts
them on and crosses to the window.
IKE
My magazine doesnt pay because for
stories. Its not what you call ethical.
MAGGIE
Oh, but making up the facts as you go
along is ethical? Actually, I meant
you. You probably got severance or
expenses or both. Ill take your check.
No credit cards.
IKE
(to Maggie)
Youve seen the post-its. Ive already
got more juicy material than I need.
Why should I pay you dollar one?
MAGGIE
Because I think youre writing on spec
and with a first person interview, you
might actually sell that thing.
Ike knows shes right.
IKE
Too much.
MAGGIE
Seven-fifty.
IKE
Five hundred.
MAGGIE
Six-fifty.
IKE
Done.
Scowling, he writes out the ched hands it to her. Maggie
looks at it and smile sweetly.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DAY
Ike jogs alongside of Maggie on her bike. Maggie parks her bike
and they go inside her door to the house.
INT. MAGGIES FOYER AND STAIRS - DAY
Maggie leads Ike upstairs to her workroom.
MAGGIE
Pardon the mess. I havent ed
sihe fifth grade.
INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM - LATER
I on a cappuae. We PULL BAd see Maggie and
Ike standing at her work table. An automatic cappuaker
stands oable. Its base is made from a used paint mixing
mae. It looks very shiny and futuristic. Maggies logo
"MAG" is on the side. The mae shakes as it steams the
cappuo. Ike notices another homemade mae oable.
IKE (td)
Whats this over here?
MAGGIE
Its a birthday present for my cousin.
Put your finger in.
IKE
dy the manicurist.
He puts his finger in the wrong hole of the mae.
MAGGIE
No, the other one.
He puts his finger in the correct hole. She turns it on. The
brushes rotate.
IKE
(laughing)
This is wonderful. You refigure all
these industrial parts and you do
something amazing with it.
He looks around and spots some gadgets and lamps on aable.
He walks to them.
IKE (td)
Amazing. Found industrial stuff.
Willo... Rasta lamp...
He picks up one of the many logos on the ter. Each boasts a
"MAG" logo.
IKE (td)
Is this your preferred logo?
MAGGIE
I think so.
IKE
I like it. This whole thing is pretty
incredible.
(studying a lamp)
I think you could probably sell this
lamp idea in New York.
MAGGIE
Maybe someday.
IKE
You afraid to try?
MAGGIE
(stares at him)
No, Im not afraid. Just... Maybe
someday.
IKE
Well, Im impressed. Absolutely
incredible.
(sitting)
I didnt expect pink and lacy, but this
isly a womans room.
MAGGIE
What an incredible chauvinistic
observation.
INT. MAGGIES LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER THAT DAY
Maggies showing Ike e rings.
MAGGIE
Thats Brians. He took me ut oeing
on the lake and gave me the ring in a
velvet box.
Ike snores. Maggie hits him.
MAGGIE (td)
(defensive)
It was classic.
Maggie hands Ike another ring. This one is in the shape of a
Grateful Dead rose.
MAGGIE (td)
Gill. Of course. He proposed at the
tie-dye t-shirt stand at a Dead cert.
It was very sweet until he halluated
that the drum set was a blood-sug
space alien.
IKE
Always a mood killer.
MAGGIE
Still sweet.
Maggie hands Ike a third ring. Its in the shape of a butterfly
and studded with multi-cems.
MAGGIE (td)
Gee. He proposed at a butterfly
farm in St. Thomas. The ring was
inside a co.
IKE
(grimag)
Its a little "Silence of the Lambs"
for me. I t believe you waited for
the wedding to run.
MAGGIE
Hes aomologist! I thought it was
very unique.
Now Maggie shows Ike the ring on her hand. Its a gold "#1" with
a diamo into the number.
MAGGIE (td)
And here we are at Bob. He proposed
during the seventh inning stretch...
Ike touches her hand to examihe ring more closely. Her
surprise at his touch shows on her face as she finishes her
sentence.
MAGGIE (td)
... At an Orioles game.
She takes her hand down. Ike steps away.
IKE
Wait. Dont tell me. The scoreboard
lit up with "Mary me, Maggie."
Ike picks up his cup of cappuo and moves behind the couch.
MAGGIE
It was one of the most wonderful
moments of my life. Cal Ripken even
applauded.
IKE
(stopping)
Highly suspect.
MAGGIE
What do you mean? It was incredibly
romantic!
IKE
Maybe its just me, but -- if you got
to dress it up, it doesnt ring true.
Ike moves back to the couch.
IKE (td)
I think the most anybody holy
say is, "Look..."
(sits on the arm
of the couch)
"I guarahat well have tough
times. I guarahat at some point
one or both of us will want to get out
of this thing. But I also guarantee
that if I dont ask you to be mine,
Ill regret it for the rest of my life.
Because I know in my heart -- youre
the only one for me"
Maggie stares at Ike for a beat. His words have taken a little
bit of her breath away. She covers.
MAGGIE
I like it.
She moves from the fireplace to a chair and sits.
MAGGIE (td)
Id like it better on a scoreboard.
(lightly)
Is that how you proposed when you asked
your wife to marry you?
Ike is taken aback.
MAGGIE (td)
Dont look so surprised, youve got
divorce written all over you.
IKE
Im a work in progress.
MAGGIE
So? Is that what you said to her?
IKE
No. I think I said something eloquent
like, "So, uh -- maybe we should, ya
know. What do you think?"
MAGGIE
Now thats romantic. A proposal like
that and you didnt fiernal bliss?
What went wrong?
Ike takes a swallow of cappuo.
IKE
I dont know.
MAGGIE
You dont know.
IKE
No.
MAGGIE
Maybe you should ask her some time.
Ever thought of<big>九九藏书</big> that?
Ike is restless. He stands up.
IKE
Call me crazy, but I believe that check
I gave you entitles me to ask the
questions for a while.
Ike puts down his cup of coffee, gets his tape recorder and sits
close to Maggie.
MAGGIE
Fair enough.
(thinks a beat)
Actually...
Maggie move to TV. She picks up Ikes stolen post-it notes and
her wedding video on top of the TV, and goes to the front door.
MAGGIE (td)
Ill just need one more day to make sure
your check clears.
IKE
Ow!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HALE STREET - THE DAY
Ike and Maggie drive in Maggies truck. They pull up in front of
a Bridal Shop.
A spectacular dress fills the small window. Its beautiful,
romantic, sexy. Maggie and Ike be seen in the refle.
MAGGIE
Even with everything thats happened
Ive still never been married and I
still deserve a beautiful dress.
IKE
Agreed.
Maggie gives Ike a smile that lights up the sky. They go inside.
INT. BRIDAL SHOP - DAY
The place is fairly large and prosperous, probably the place to
go iri-ty area. A little FLIRL, 10, is being
fitted on the pedestal in the middle of the room. A saleswoman,
POLLY, has taken the flirl under her wing. They are both
uhe expert eyes of a stern looking woman, MRS. WHITTENMEYER,
the shop owner. Also, the girls MOTHER is there watg.
POLLY
(to the mother)
Shell be the prettiest little flower
girl in your daughters wedding.
MAGGIE
Mr. Whittenmeyer. Hi, Polly!
The flirl sees Maggie and runs and hides behind Polly.
POLLY
Hi, Maggie. Youll have to excuse her,
Maggie. Some of the children are
afraid of you since yed that
little boy up the aisle.
MAGGIE
I didnt drag.
(then to the girl)
He tripped on his shoelaces.
Mrs. Whittenmeyer es forward to greet Maggie.
MRS. WHITTENMEYER
Youve e for your dress. Good!
Ill get it from the back.
Maggie leads her to the front window.
MAGGIE
(happily)
Actually, I would like to get this dress.
She points to the dress. She smiles bars. Whittenmeyer,
expeg her to share her joy. Mrs. Whittenmeyer darkens.
MRS. WHITTENMEYER
(to Polly)
Polly, take Leslie into ge.
(then, to Maggie)
But the one you have on hold is lovely.
MAGGIE
(pleasantly)
Yes. But Ive ged my mind.
MRS. WHITTENMEYER
Its ohousand dollars.
Maggie is keenly aware of Ike listening in.
MAGGIE
I have ohousand dollars.
MRS. WHITTENMEYER
(firmly)
The other one is only three hundred
dollars.
Maggie lowers her voice, hoping to lessen the humiliation of the
moment.
MAGGIE
Is this dress for sale?
MRS. WHITTENMEYER
It just seems like an awful lot of
moo spend on one of your dresses,
Maggie... You only wear them for about
ten minutes.
Ike watches with regret as Maggies child-like enthusiasm
drains away, her happy mood crushed by the tactless assault of
the shop owner. Hes starting to see that its no always easy
being Maggie. Theres a tremor in her voice.
MAGGIE
Yeah, thats a good point.
(then, sitting)
The other dress is nice.
Ike calls out to Mrs. Whittenmeyer.
IKE
Mrs. Whittenmeyer. May I talk to you
for a sed?
She walks over to him.
IKE (td)
I dont know much about this kind of
thing. Im from out of town. Youre a
salespersht? Youre here to
sell wedding dresses.
MRS. WHITTENMEYER
(huffy)
Yes. Ive been here for thirty years.
IKE
Perfect. Because Miss Carpenter is
here to buy one. But not just any one.
She wants that one.
MRS. WHITTENMEYER
Its a thousand dollars!
Ike goes over and takes the mannequin out of the window. Mrs.
Whittenmeyer catches the wig as he puts the mannequin under his
arm.
IKE (td)
Look, Aunt Bea, were buying this
beautiful dress and anything else she
wants or Im ing back here with a
squirt gun filled with India ink.
Mrs. Whittenmeyer wilts under Ikes fierce gaze. She turns to
Maggie.
MRS. WHITTENMEYER
Will he really do that?
Maggie gives her a look.
MR. WHITTENMEYER (td)
(to Maggie)
Well, why dont you pick out some
accessories while I get this ready,
dear. Polly, will you e help me,
please?
Polly es to help carry the mannequin away.
ANGLE ON POLLY AND MRS. WHITTENMEYER:
POLLY
(whispering to Mrs. Whittenmeyer)
Its a thousand dollars.
MRS. WHITTENMEYER
Shhhh! The man has ink!
Maggie looks gratefully at Ike.
IKE
Tough to spend money in this town.
TIME CUT: A FEW MINUTES LATER:
Ike sits as he hears Maggies voice behind him.
MAGGIE (o.s.)
What do you think?
Ike turns around. Maggie is standing on the pedestal, wearing
the dress and looking unbelievably geous. She is overwhelming
to behold and Ike has tle to keep his fader trol.
IKE
(stammering)
You look... uh... You look fine.
MAGGIE
Fihe neers upside down.
Thats better than fine.
IKE
Bob will be very happy.
She glows. Then the momeween them is broken as she
suddenly remembers something and grabs the veil off her head.
MAGGIE
Bob! I almost fot! I have to meet
Bob!
INT. DINER - DAY
This is a great place -- a major hub of social life in Hale. The
food is greasy and good, Mrs. Pressman is the waitress, and the
CROWD the essence of what is wonderful about a small town. Bob,
Maggie and Ike sit on the ter. Mrs. Pressman CHUFFS about
the luau, then moves around the er.
BOB
Mrs. Pressman, I think were ready to
order.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Were out the special because
somebody...
(indicates COOK with head)
... didnt order enough sausage.
BOB
Let me have the gardee. Egg
whites only.
Ike looks at Maggie. Hed bet a thousand bucks on what shed say
.
MAGGIE
Ill have the same.
IKE
(clears his throat)
Of course.
MAGGIE
What was that? I t order my eggs
without sarcasm?
BOB
ral ers you two. Youre on the
same team now. Any more fighting and
its fifteen minutes in the penalty box.
(gently, to Ike)
Maggies the person youll ever
meet. But shes always fog out
there. Shes got to start fog
more in here.
(taps his chest)
Thats why shes had some -- whatever
you want to call it -- problems in the
past.
(to Maggie)
Thats what were w on -- focus.
Right, Maggie? Foaggie. Focus
on Bob.
As Bob has been talking, Ike has been watg Maggies face.
The joy seems to have drained out of her.
MAGGIE
(quietly)
Right.
BOB
(to Ike)
I lead Maggie through a visualization
exercise. All the sports shrinks use
this head stuff. Visualize the end
zone, if you catch my drift.
Bob takes out a notepad and hands it to Maggie.
BOB (td)
Heres todays mantra: "Its an open
field to Big Bob."
IKE
Tell me. When you get to the altar,
will you spike the bouquet?
MAGGIE
You know, theres no...
Before Maggie finish, Ike intercepts her.
IKE
Well, Im off. A reporters work is
never done.
(heading to the door)
Mrs. Pressman, thank you.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Tootaloo.
INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER
GRANDMA JULIA (V.O.)
Id like to explain about the weddings.
There are reasons why they didnt e
off. Three weddings, no "I dos". You
t believe how much cake we were
left with. I should weigh three
hundred pounds. I dont think her
father minded spending so much money on
booze that nobody drank.
We hear Grandma as through the hotel doors, we see Maggie exit
the diner. She gets a bag from ihe cab of her trud
es ihe hotel where she finds Ike talking to Grandma,
who is having tea with her friend, A.
MAGGIE
Ike... Hi, Grandma.
IKE
Gram here was going to give me the
skinny on why you run from marital
bliss.
GRANDMA JULIA
Right, cover your ears, a. Its
not that shes afraid of the wedding,
shes afraid of the wedding night.
I girls are terrified of "the
one-eyed snake".
(getting into it)
Why, when I was a virgin bride, I took
a knitting needle with me into the bed...
Ike winces.
MAGGIE
Actually, Grandma, I charmed the one-
eyed snake awhile ago.
GRANDMA JULIA
Oh, yeah, I fot. Ill tell you one
thing, yrandpa didnt fet that
wedding night.
(a)
You take your hands off your ears,
a. Your teas getting cold.
MAGGIE
you excuse us a minute?
(then to Ike)
May I have a word with you, please?
Maggie moves toward door.
IKE
Bye, a... Bye, Grandam.
He steps over to Maggie in the doorway.
MAGGIE
I found this and didnt know if it was
something iing.
Maggie hands Ike a 30-year-old LP: Miles Davis "Kind of Blue."
IKE
(excited)
Oh, my God -- Its Miles Davis. This
is "King of Blue"! This is the
inal rec. Hard to find in
good dition. Where did you find
this?
MAGGIE
(casual)
It was iic. It was jus
sitting there gathering dust.
IKE
Its valuable. Hang onto it.
MAGGIE
No. You take it.
She steps outside, leaving Ike with the record.
IKE
Hmmm... Figuring out what kind of music
I like and then finding me a rare album.
Youre n to soften me up, are
you?
MAGGIE
No -- Im ing an attic. I
wouldnt attempt the impossible.
She turns and walks back to the diner where Mrs. Pressman is
outside watering plants. Ike looks after Maggie and then back
down at the record in his hand. Somehow it makes him sad.
CUT TO:
INT. IKES CAR - LATER THAT DAY
Ike drives through Hale gobbling french fries from the fast food
bag in his lap. Ike passes THE INN HALE BAR, same dump of a
taveralked to barte.
ANGLE ON: MAGGIES CAR parked a few cars down. He pulls over
and parks. He gets out and speaks into his tape recorder.
I. THE INN HALE BAR -- DAY
Ike approaches the window of the bar. Theres a DRUNK MAN and a
DOG sitting outside. Inside, we see two figures from the back,
arms around each other. One is definitely Maggie. The other is
definitely not Bob.
MAGGIE
(coaxing)
. Lets go.
As Maggie helps the ma up, we see that its Walter, Maggies
father -- dead drunk.
WALTER
(belligerently)
I havent had any fun since you got
your drivers lise...
They stumble and lurch, exiting the bar toward Maggies car.
MAGGIE
Im ly having fuher...
Steady.
WALTER
(to Dog)
Good boy, Port Hole.
MAGGIE
His name is Skipper, Dad... Steady.
WALTER
I ged it.
(then to Drunk)
See you later, Mr. Travis.
(then to Maggie)
That guy has a problem... Maggie, you
run everyones life but your own.
Maggies having trouble keeping him steady as she opens the car
door. Ike is there in a flash to help her pull Walter into the
car.
WALTER (td)
Good daughters let their fathers pass
out.
Walter passes out on the fro.
MAGGIE
(without difficulty)
Ike... Please dont write anything
about this --
IKE
No. Fet about it. Dont even think
about it.
Maggie looks at him with real gratitude. She swings the car
door shut.
MAGGIE
Watch y, Dad.
(then to Ike)
Im so tired of this.
IKE
Why dont you let him sleep it off in
the trunk. Ill take you for a ride.
Then well e back for him.
(to Drunk on bench)
Keep an eye on him.
DRUNK MAN
Im too loaded.
IKE
I was talking to the dog.
(turning to Maggie)
All right?
Maggie thinks about this for a moment. She takes a deep breath.
MAGGIE
Okay... Ill just grab my jacket.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD - LATE DUSK TO NIGHT
Establishing of Ikes car driving.
INT. IKES CAR - LATE DUSK TO NIGHT
Maggie and Ike ride along.
IKE
My dad managed a business and two
mistresses. He wanted me to be a
. More?
Maggie nods,
IKE (td)
My mother wanted me to bee a
musi. 0 for two. But at least
Im a journalist and we all know
journalism is literature in a hurry.
EXT. IKES CAR - TRY ROAD - NIGHT
Ike and Maggie stare forward. Both seem in melanoods.
Theyre beginning to seheyre in trouble here. Suddenly,
the car falters and jerks. It shows to a stop on the shoulder of
the road. The car backfires and smokes.
EXT. IKES CAR - TRY ROAD - NIGHT
Ike and Maggie sit ieaming car for a moment.
MAGGIE
Your filters clogged. This takes
unleaded.
IKE
you fix it?
MAGGIE
First I have to find some tools. I
need a half and a nine-six-tenth.
IKE
(removing his glasses)
Of what?
MAGGIE
(in amazement)
Wrenches. My dads gonna love that one.
Maggie slams the food closed.
IKE
Kind of isolated.
MAGGIE
Yeah. Its kind of nice.
An unfortable silent pause. Ike breaks the moment.
IKE
Theres ohing we New Yorkers know
how to do is hail a cab. If theres no
cab, we walk.
Ike stares off down the road. Maggie indicates a building in
the distahen turns off the car lights.
MAGGIE
I get some tools over there.... and
save the battery... Theres ohing
we try girls know how to do is cut
across a field. Its quicker.
Maggie points diagonally across the field to where a gas station
sign glows and the lights from the outer house twinkle.
He smiles and follows her into the field.
MAGGIE (td)
Be careful of snakes.
IKE
Snakes? Are you serious? I dont like
snakes. Ive never even seen a snake.
He steps carefully into the field, then hops gingerly toward Maggie.
MOMENTS LATER
Maggie leads Ike through a field.
MAGGIE
Do you think theres only ht
person for everybody?
Ike chooses his words carefully.
IKE
No. But I think attra is too
often mistaken fhtness.
Attra is very misleading. And if
its mutual, its well, terribly
distrag.
MAGGIE
Yes it is. And it doesnt mean
anything.
Ike nods as they e to a wooden fence. She puts her hand on
his shoulder. Ike puts his hands around her waits to give her a
boost over the top. We see the flicker of misuanding cross
Maggies face at the initial taeither of them moves --
forward or back, but the electricity is obvious.
ANGLE ON: Ike. His flicted feelings are apparent. With
difficulty, Maggie straightens up and they both quickly remove
their hands.
MAGGIE (td)
(lightly)
I suddenly fot how to climb a fence.
They look at each other for a moment, then:
MAGGIE AND IKE
(breaking the
moment jokingly)
"Tools".
She climbs over the fen her own and Ike follows. They see
an old guy, LIONEL, whittling on a porch.
MAGGIE (td)
Lionel, I borrow some tools?
IKE
Yeah, we need a half and nine-
sixteenths.
LIONEL
Gonna bust out of another wedding?
IKE
Youre sure well known around here.
EXT. FISHER AND ELLIES BUILDING - THE DAY
Establishing shot.
INT. FISHER AND ELLIES KIT (NYC) - DAY
INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - DAY
I BETWEEN TWO LOCATIONS:
Ike sits on his bed, on the phone, w aing his
breakfast. Hes watg Maggies wedding tape again. Fisher
is cooking an elaborate breakfast. Ellie rushes arouing
ready for work. He is on the phoo Ike.
FISHER
(into phone)
Yes, well, my theory was that she may
be running because she gets attention...
ive attention is attention.
Like when women whack you oreet
because of your n, thats ive
attention.
IKE (V.O.)
This is about her ive attention,
not mine. Did you get the
reimbursement for the dress yet?
FISHER
(into phone)
No, Im paying for the dress. Do you
think shes still gonna run?
IKE (V.O.)
I dont know.
Ellie ehe kit, hears the question and shakes her head
to herself. If only these boys would give it up.
INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - TINUOUS
He is finding it very hard to gloat. Fisher is annoying him.
IKE
(into phone)
Look -- Ill be in there later today.
Ill e by and tell you all about it.
FISHER (V.O.)
Youre ing here?
IKE
(into phone)
Yeah.
FISHER (V.O.)
Then e for dinner.
IKE
(into phone)
Okay, well order out.
FISHER (V.O.)
Order out like a Philistine, when you
got the Galloping Gourmet here?...
Ike hangs up and watches more of the Gee Swilling wedding
video.
INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY
The bar from the opening se. GEE SWILLING, the same man
Ike talked to before, is sitting on a stool, nursing his drink.
He looks better. Ike enters. Gee looks up and reizes
Ike, who takes the bar stool o him.
IKE
Get this man a Kamikaze.
GEE
Splendid disse of Maggie Carpenter,
very professional job.
Ike sits and leans over to Gee.
IKE
(whispers)
You could have told me you were fiance
hree.
GEE
And end up in the papers? Ive been
humiliated enough already to last a
lifetime, thank you. Im sorry she got
you ed.
IKE
Thanks.
GEE
Shes a cacophony of tradis.
IKE
Well, Im writing another article on
the cacophony.
GEE
Ah, t stay away from her, you?
Like a moth to a flame.
IKE
Guess youd know about that. Youre an
entomologist, right? Hows business?
GEE
(taking a sip
of his drink)
Not bad. I was traveling around
studying the reproductive and migratory
patterns of locusts when Maggie met me.
IKE
(sarcastic)
er a locust, feed the world.
GE
Not the world. Just Afrid a.
Ike wipes the smirk off his face. Like Maggies other men, this
guy has a worthy aplishment under his belt.
GEE (td)
You know Maggie was the only girl I
ever met who would hold my tarantula.
On the first date.
IKE (td)
So, tell me, Gee, why do you think
she ran?
GEE
Same as you said. What did you call
her? A "maer", "a dev death
goddess."
IKE
I dont think thats why she ran.
GEE
Why do YOU think she ran?
Ike sips his drink before answering.
IKE
I dont know. Im w on it. I
was on the wrong track.
GEE
And you defending her?
IKE
No. I call it like I see it. Im a
journalist. Im a truth teller.
GEE
Unbelievable, she got to you.
IKE
Oh, please!
GE
Join the club.
(passing him
his drink)
Here, you his more than me.
Gee heads out.
IKE
(proteg, taking
his tape recorder
out of his pocket)
Im writing an article, Im getting
paid to do this, its going to be a
cover story, its going to be published
... The facts will be read someday.
As Gee pauses in the doorway, Ike holds up his tape recorder.
IKE (td)
What kind of eggs did she like?
GEE
Poached, just like me.
Gee exits.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK STREET/FISHER AND ELLIES BUILDING - DAY
Ike walks down a street toward Ellie and Fisher.
CUT TO:
INT. FISHER AND ELLIES APARTMENT (NYC) - NIGHT
Ellie is on the phone as Fisher enters with beer. Ike sits at
the piano.
FISHER
(sarcastically)
Overpriice apartment and ese
takeout. Thats New York living.
ELLIE
(into phone)
... Just call me when you have it.
(hangs up, then to Fisher)
Ike, how is the story ing? Is she a
maer?
FISHER
Or a vegetarian?
ELLIE
Or does she pick "NGBS" -- "Nice Guys,
But..." Nice guys, but Im cheap.
Nice guys, but he lives with his mom...
Nice guys, but he just out of prison.
IKE
No... Theyre iing guys. Each
one of these guys has something going
for him. I mean, ones been up Everest.
Anothers bee a priest. Ones a
pretty good guitar player. And this
guy today tried to end world hunger, if
you believe that...
FISHER
Whoa, Ike. Getting a plex, buddy?
ELLIE
Fisher, let him talk.
IKE
(sits)
But one of those guys -- not one of
them -- knew her at all. Eae was
vihat she erfect for them,
but they didnt see her. And she never
showed up so they couldnt see her.
Its a very symbolic thing happening.
She bees what she thinks they wanted
to be.
Fisher doesnt like the sound of this. He gla Ellie, who
is looking very ied.
FISHER
(in shock)
Ike is turniive and I t
bear to watch. Im going to make a
fresh pot of tea.
The phs as Fisher exits. Ike goes to the piano as Ellie
picks up the phone.
ELLIE
(into phone)
Yeah... Oh, Jay... Okay... Bye.
(hangs up, then yells to Fisher)
Fisher, dont fet the fortune
cookies.
She joins Ike at the piano. Ike gets serious.
IKE
Is that what I did to you? Is that
what happened? Did I just not see
you?
ELLIE
No. No, you didnt.
He hugs her.
IKE
(heartfelt)
Well -- Im sorry, Im really sorry,
Ellie.
ELLIE
Im sorry, too.
(beat)
Wow. That only took us between years
to say.
Ellie blinks back seal tears.
CUT TO:
EXT. TROUTS BARN - THE NIGHT
We hear Hawaiian music. We see a truck with GUESTS drive up and
HULA DAhrough barn slats.
INT. TROUTS BARN - NIGHT
Its a small barn thats been verted into a luau with a bar.
A BAND plays for two hula dancers. The Trouts had decorated it
as a little slice of Hawaii. There are tiki lights, numerous
rented plastic palm trees and fiberglass copies of Hawaiian
statuary. Strings of colored lights crisscross the ceiling.
It looks like a Hawaiian high school gym on prom night.
Maggies family, Mrs. Trout and people weve already met, and
more, are here, milling around wit tropical drinks garnished
with umbrellas. Plastic leis abound and most people have
mao find their old Hawaiian shirts.
As we e in, the hula dancers finish their applause and Mrs.
Trout announces. Hula dancers stop.
LOU TROUT
Wele to our annual try luau. As
you know, Betty and I got married on
the rim of the crater, Diamond Head.
MRS. TROUT
(grabbing the
microphone)
This year, were dedig our first
dao the soon-to-be newlyweds, the
King and Queen of Hawaii, Maggie and
Bob.
The couple enters. Bob is a goody bronzed god in his King
Kamahamela outfit. Maggie is spectacular in her authentic
looking Harincess get-up. But her face refleone
of the festivities around her. Every now and then, she looks up
and glances around for Ike, hating herself for it.
MRS. TROUT (td)
King and Queen, dance.
Maggie and Bob start to dance as the Quarter sings "Aloha Oe."
MRS. TROUT (td)
Everybody dance.
Everybody dances.
TIMES OUT:
Maggie and Bob pose for pictures with some of the guests.
MRS. TROUT
Pictures of the King and Queen.
Dennis poses with Maggie. Cory poses with Bob. Mrs. Trout runs
out of film and goes to get more, leaving Peggy and Maggie alone.
Peggy whispers to Maggie.
PEGGY
Lighten up, wahine.
MAGGIE
Lighten up, what?
PEGGY
This party is for you and Bob. Get
your mind off the reporter.
MAGGIE
I havent seen him iy-four hours.
It just gives me the creeps a little bit.
Id feel better if I knew where he was.
PEGGY
(nods to door)
Would it?
ANGLE ON: Ike just entering the party. At least he tried.
Hes got a tropical sheet ed around his pants and shirt.
He walks to the bar and is greeted warmly by Lee. Maggie gets
very flustered.
PEGGY (td)
What are you doing?
MAGGIE
(after a beat)
Im going to go dah Bob.
Because hes the man.
(referring to her headdress)
I like those grapes.
Maggie dances affeately with Bob as Mr. Trout, tending
bar, greets Ike.
LOU TROUT
Hey, Mr. Graham, wele to our luau.
What I get you?
IKE
You got something without a toy in it?
TIME CUT:
A LITTLE LATER - CLOSE ON
A pair of expressive pantomime "A Little Grass Shack".
PULL BACK TO REVEAL:
Mrs. Trout is on stage, introdug hula testants. Grandma
judges the Hawaiian dang. The party is at full tilt -- a
little wild, a little goofy. Some guests (Bob, dy, Cory, Lee
and Ted) do the limbo. Walter, Mrs. Pressma turn as
she hears him.
IKE
Aloha. Thats a very fetg
headdress youre wearing.
Ike leans into Maggie, enjoying the smell of her hair. She
notices, but acts casual.
MAGGIE
Where did you disappear to?
IKE
Missed me bad, huh?
TIME CUT:
All the guests start banding their pineapple cups. Walter rises
unsteadily, lifting his pineapple.
MRS. TROUT
Attention. Listen to Walter. Listen
close, he slurs.
(then)
Shut up, wahines!
WALTER
Iradition that has grown through
the years, it is now Toast Time! First
up, our host, "A Honey of a Beekeeper",
Lou Trout..
Lou Trout stands with his glass raised.
LOUT TROUT
May the grooms heart be filled with
hopes and the brides feet be filled
with lead!
There are shouts of "Hear hear!" Walter roars.
MRS. TROUT
May the pitter-patter of little feet
not be Maggies.
MRS. PRESSMAN
May the gifts be returned!
TED
May the back of the dress be as pretty
as the front!
The laughter swells and swells, led by Walter.
ANGLE ON:
Ike watches as Maggie takes the heat, raising her glass along
with the others. Bob raises his glass like the good sport he is.
Ike t believe it.
WALTER
You know the old saying, "Youre not
losing a daughter..." Well, Id like to!
Walter gets a bit laugh. He goes again.
WALTER (td)
Maggie may not be Hales lo
running joke...
(under her breath)
Maggie fihe pune along with his father.
WALTER AND MAGGIE
-- But shes certainly the fastest.
Uproarious laughter. Maggie looks terribly pained. Ikes had
enough. He pushes himself to his feet. Walter is thrilled. He
shushes the CROWD.
WALTER (td)
Oh, look, Mr. Graham, how about a toast?
IKE
I dont know, give me a minute.
(to Maggie)
Are you all right with this?
MAGGIE
Excuse me?
IKE
Are you all right with this? You think
this is funny?
MAGGIE
Yes.
IKE
I dont and I dont think you should...
BOB
Its a joke. Theyre kidding.
WALTER AND CROWD
(yell)
e on and give us a toast.
IKE
You wao make a toast? Okay...
Ill give you a toast. To Maggies
family and friends. May you find
yourselves the bulls eye of an easy
target. May you be publicly flogged
for all of your bad choices and may
your o rubbed in all of your
mistakes...
Ike watches their rea. The silence is deafening. All the
guests stare at Maggie. Mortified, she holds back tears.
MRS. TROUT
That was funny.
(a pause)
But enough toasts, lets hula. Lets
start the music up.
She gets everyone up to hula. Band plays fast tune. Maggie
walks through the CROWD doweps and outside. Ike
follows, but Peggy grabs a coat for her. Bob watches her go as
Cory approaches.
CORY
Hey, Bob. I got twenty dollars bet on--
BOB
Not now.
Bob rushes after Maggie.
PEGGY
(calling after her)
Maggie. Maggie.
(to Ike, handing him a jacket)
Here. She may his. Its not
really Hawaii.
Ike exits. Then, Bob es over.
BOB
Whered Maggie go?
PEGGY
Oh, she just went to get me something
from the car.
Cory es over with Dennis to Bob and Peggy. BOB/PEGGY/CORY/
DENNIS CHUFFA: About Bart Starr and football. (Which keeps Bob
from going outside to follow Maggie). Bob thinks about it.
EXT. TROUTS BARN - NIGHT
Ike runs after Maggie. He grabs her arm and turo him.
IKE
Im the only goddamn person in there
pulling for you.
MAGGIE
You humiliated me!
IKE
No, Maggie, I defended you.
Humiliating you is what everyone else
is doing. Its the theme of this party.
MAGGIE
I had it under trol. Now they feel
sorry for me.
IKE
Well, they should. Because theyre
about to watch you hang yourself again.
Maggie has no response.
IKE (td)
-- Tell me something, do you really
care about Mount Everest?
MAGGIE
Its fun! Its high.
IKE
Or the sexual habits of locusts?
MAGGIE
That was very iing research
Gee was doing!
IKE
What kind of Dead Head gets a temporary
tattoo?
MAGGIE
I already explained about that.
IKE
And where you ever really going to run
the leper y in Molokai?
MAGGIE
(wing)
Brian told you that?
IKE
Or maybe you just wao wear the
headdress.
MAGGIE
Every one of those times I was being
supportive. Something you wont
uand.
IKE
Supportive? You werent being
supportive. You were being scared.
Just like now. You are the most lost
woman I have ever laid eyes on.
MAGGIE
Lost!
IKE
Thats right. Youre so lost you dont
even know how you like ys.
MAGGIE
What!?
IKE
With the priest, you liked them
scrambled. With the Dead Head, fried.
With the bug guy, poached. Now its
egg whites only, thank you very much.
MAGGIE
Thats called ging your mind.
IKE
No, thats called not having a mind of
your own. What are you doing, Maggie?
You really want to let that man drag
you up Annapuma on your honeymoon? You
dont want to climb Annapuma.
MAGGIE
Yes I do!
IKE
No you dont. You want a man who will
lead you down the beach with his head
over your eyes just so you discover
the feel of the sand under your feet.
You want a guy who will take you into a
cave with a thousand dles just to
read you a poem. You want a man to
wake you up at dawn because hes
burning to talk to you and he t
wait another mio find out what
youll say. Am I right?
Hes laid her flat. Maggie t speak.
IKE (td)
Am I right?
She fights bagry tears.
MAGGIE
Stop. Stop it! Im getting married on
Sunday, and youre just trying to make
me run! Why? Because youre a ical,
exploitative, meaed creep who
wouldnt know real love if it bit him
in the armpit! And all you do is tear
other people down and-and-and laugh at
them, and criticize what they do,
because youre too afraid to do
anything yourself! I read your n.
You never wrote one about you. Im not
the only one whos lost and you know it!
Am I right? Well? Am I right?
ANGLE ON: Bob es outside.
BOB
Mag. Help me out here. Green Bay.
Right guard.
Both Maggie and Ike are breathing hard. Bob es up to Maggie
and gives Ike a very hard look as he puts his arm around his
fiancee.
BOB (td)
You know... Blocked Bart Starr, crewcut
... Are you okay?
Maggie adjusts her face as best she .
MAGGIE
Yes.
BOB
Let me take you baside, okay?
She lets him lead her away.
MAGGIE
Jerry Kramer.
Ike looks at her drooped shoulder and he shakes his head and
walks to his car.
EXT. HALE METHODIST CHURCH - THE DAY
Peggy and dy arrive for the rehearsal. They leave dys
dog in Peggys car and walk to the church.
DY
Tell me, why does Maggie need another
wedding rehearsal and two days before
the wedding? Shes already dohis.
PEGGY
Bob is making her visualize the
ceremony.
CUT TO:
INT. HALE METHODIST CHURCH - NIGHT
They are in the church proper now. Peggy waits in a pew as Bob
leads Maggie and Ike up the back steps of the church.
BOB
(to Maggie)
Okay, were ready. Wao have Ike
leave now?
Maggie turns oh "cheerful" hostility.
MAGGIE
No. No -- Actually, lets make Ike the
pastor.
IKE
Id rather not.
MAGGIE
(sarcastically)
e on, itll give you a great view.
Its perfect.
(seeing Peggy)
Hey.
Maggie smiles at Bob. Ike sighs and goes with it. Bob pulls Ike
to the head of the aisle and places him. Peggy follows Maggie
into the foyer to get ready. dy sits with Ted at the an.
BOB
Team effort, Pastor Ike... dy, ready?
(after no response)
dy, e on.
dy leaves to join the girls in the foyer.
INT. CHURCH FOYER - THAT MOMENT
On the privacy of the foyer, Peggy and Maggie talk.
PEGGY
Hes going to be the pastor?
MAGGIE
Yep. I want him to be front aer
and to watch everything.
PEGGY
What happe the luau?
MAGGIE
(flustered)
... I dont even want to talk about
the luau.
(then seeing a hanging rope)
Whats this?
PEGGY
Its for the bell.
dy joins them.
DY
Bobs in a hurry.
PEGGY
Dont be nervous, Maggie. Let us
visualize. Remember what Bob said?
"Be the ball."
DY
"Sink the putt."
PEGGY
"Make the shot."
DY
"Nothing but ."
PEGGY
"Never say die."
Maggie puts her hands up.
MAGGIE
Go!
Peggy and dy exit. Maggie pulls the bell rope and sways back
and forth as she rings the bell.
INT. CHAPEL - THAT MOMENT
It is Maggies turn to ehey all turn expetly. Too
much time passes. Ted plays the an, then stops. Maggie
swings bad forth in the foyer doorway.
BOB
Honey, are you okay?
Maggie sting the bell and pulls herself together. She
walks into the aisle looking a little shaky. She takes a few
tremulous steps slowly with her eyes closed, peeking
occasionally with one eye.
IKE
(taking off his jacket)
At this pace, it could be an evening
wedding.
BOB
Hold it! Hold it! I think were
taking this too fast.
He begins to pace.
BOB (td)
We o limber you up a little.
Youre tensing.
(thinks a moment;
to Ike, moving him
to grooms spot)
You stand here and be me so she knows
how far shell have to go.
(then to Maggie)
Im going to walk with you.
Bob goes to Maggie and walks behind her.
BOB (td)
Visualize! Visualize! Its game time.
ANGLE ON:
Maggie walking.
BOB (td)
You are the football. Youre spiraling
through the air towards the hands of
the groom.
She proceeds down the aisle. Bob behind her.
MAGGIE
(eyes down)
Yes, Im spiraling through the air.
ANGLE ON:
Maggie raises her eyes and sees Ike in front of her as groom.
Ike and Maggie lock gazes. If they had to, they couldnt look
away. All the things unspoken are now unicated -- the love,
the longing.
MAGGIE (td)
I streak towards the goal line.
Maggies pace quis.
MAGGIE (td)
And I land on the goal line.
ANGLE ON:
Bob beams to see Maggies eager arrival at Ikes side. He
switches off the musid proceeds like a proud coach to be the
pastor.
BOB
Okay, Im the pastor. Dearly beloved,
blah, blah, blah. So on and so forth.
Ra ta ta ta. Yabada dabada. I now
pronounan and wife. Kiss the
bride, badum dum.
(then moving toward Ted)
We have the cresdo that leads to us
right back down the aisle and out the...
Ike kisses Maggie. It is a world class, Olympic kiss. It is a
kiss that ges everything and ever be taken back. It is
a kiss you only get on your life.
NEW ANGLE:
Bobs smile dies. dys mouth drops open as the kiss goes on
and on. Peggy loses trol and screams.
BOB (td)
Maggie!!!!?
Like a bucket of water thrown on two dogs, Ike and Maggie are
startled out of their kiss. They pull apart and smile at each
other.
ANGLE ON: Bob.
BOB (td)
(furious)
If you were imagining me, you did great.
(to Ike)
What the hell were you doing?
IKE
(eyes on Maggie)
Im sorry, Bob. She kissed me back.
MAGGIE
(dazed but happy)
I kissed him back.
BOB
Yeah, I caught that. Want to tell me
how long this has been going on?
Maggie looks at Ike, wondrous, fused.
MAGGIE
About a minute...?
IKE
A little longer for me.
MAGGIE
Really?
BOB
What do you expect me to say to this?
IKE
How about -- "I hope youll be very
happy together"?
Bob hauls bad punches Ike in the face. Ike drops.
BOB
I hope youll be very happy together.
Bob storms down the aisle and out of the church.
MAGGIE
(to Peggy)
Take care of him.
Maggie leaves.
CUT TO:
EXT. CHURCH - THAT MOMENT
Bob is halfway down the walk. Maggie appears at the church door
and calls after him.
MAGGIE
Bob, Im sorry!
(half to herself)
At least I backed out before the
wedding. Thats progress!
He keeps marg. Now Peggy appears o Maggie. Maggie
calls again.
MAGGIE (td)
Some woman is going to make you a lot
happier than I ever could...
The words are barely out of her mouth when dy es out the
door, rag after Bob at a full sprint.
MAGGIE (td)
See?
PEGGY
Well, Maggie -- in the words of Mrs.
Pressman: "Holy moly". Call me later.
Peggy goes to her car. dy joins her as Bob speeds off in his
car. Now Ike takes Peggys plaext to Maggie. Maggie turns
to face Ike. They are both beet red, stammering and uo
look at each other, trying to aal.
MAGGIE
Okay. So... what, uh... What just
happened? Just now? Jus then? In
there?
IKE
I dont know. I, uh -- I frankly dont
even want to talk about it.
MAGGIE
Me, either.
Ike GRABS Maggie and BOOM -- they are all over each other,
kissing frantically, tongues, hands, hair, elbow, you .
Blathering fools.
IKE
(blathering)
I love you. I love you.
MAGGIE
(blathering)
I love you, too.
They e up for air.
IKE
Wait. We have to talk. We have to do
some talking now. Pull up a railing.
Maggie sits on the railing, then Ike backs up and sits on the
opposite railing.
IKE (td)
You have to go down an aisle and say "I
do". You have to get married.
MAGGIE
To who? Are you asking me?
IKE
Me?
Ike backs up to opposite railing and sits fag Maggie.
MAGGIE
Yes, you!
IKE
(thinks)
Well, you do have the dress.
MAGGIE
And the church.
IKE
And the wedding date. Theres the two
of us.
(beat)
So, you think... maybe... You have to
go down the aisle with somebody you
love and who love you back.
MAGGIE
Im okay with that.
IKE
So am I.
MAGGIE
So, well...
They both nod and sit there smiling, sort of. The anist, Ted,
closes the church door.
TED
Good night.
Ike pulls his tape recorder out of his pocket and quietly speaks
into it.
IKE
Im getting married.
WIDE SHOT:
They smile at each other and remain sitting. Then, silence.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET/HALE/ATLANTIC HOTEL - THAT NIGHT
Ike drives up and parks in front of the hotel as he talks on his
cell phone.
I WITH:
INT. FISHER AND ELLIES BEDROOM (NYC) - NIGHT
Ellies on the phone. Fisher sits nearby.
ELLIE
Ikes going to get married.
Fisher throws himself onto the carpet and rolls himself
helpless with laughter.
ELLIE (td)
(without turning to him)
Fisher, if you pee on that Persian,
Ill kill you.
CUT TO:
INT. BEAUTY SALON - NIGHT DAY
Maggie talks to Peggy, dy and Grandma Julia. Grandma Julia
sits under a hair dryer. Sprout, the dog, sits in his basket.
DY
I love his eyes. I just believe
theyre listening to you.
PEGGY
His hair... any color.
GRANDMA JULIA
I like his tight butt.
Peggy laughs.
MAGGIE
Grandma!
PEGGY
(to dy)
See, this is a mature relationship.
Shes really found it.
CUT TO:
LOVE MONTAGE SHOTS:
EXT. O - DAY
Ike and Maggie fishing.
INT. MAGGIES WORKSHOP/HOME - DAY
They play ping-pong. They laugh, enjoying the moment.
INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DAY
Ike and Maggie have fun playing cards. The game is slapjack.
EXT. FIELD - DAY
Maggie and Ike horseback riding. They sit on their horses
amongst trees, "nuzzling". Ike reads as he pushes Maggie in a
tire swing.
INT. MAGGIES ROOM - DAY
Ike and Maggie open and close a Hoberman ball by holding its
opposite ends ieeth. Grandma looks in.
INT. MAGGIES LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
There is a fire in the fireplace. Maggie and Ike sit as Ike
shows Maggie some passages from his favorite books. Hes
reading something from Yeats at the moment. They seem happy.
EXT. CHURCH - THE DAY OF THE WEDDING
It is a media circus including FOUR REPORTERS, Midday with
Meredith and the T-shirt Vendor. Plus three other people the
reporters are interviewing, a GERMAN LADY, BUTCH KENAN, a
farmer and Grandma Julia. Reporter DINA NAPOLI walks down the
church steps.
DINA NAPOLI (OF WBAL)
Wedding bells are ringing for the
fourth time today in Hale, Maryland.
Maggie Carpenter, "Always a Bride --
Never a Bridesmaid", will be attempting
to plete her fourth wedding ceremony.
Well e ba the air when the
results are in. Back to you, Jessica.
Meredith, the low-end public access TV reporter, films himself
pointing a cheap video camera himself.
MEREDITH
The turnout for this ms wedding
is usually reserved for royalty or
Hollywood stars, but Maggie Carpenter
is Hale, Marylands special star and
the citizens of Hale are out in full
force today.
The NY T-shirt Vendor pitches his wares.
T-SHIRT VENDOR
I got "Bye-bye Birdie". "art of
I do dont you uand?"... Get
your "Runaway Bride" T-shirts here...
Reporter JULIE MURPHY stands near Grandma Julia and Mrs.
Pressman.
JULIE MURPHY (el 6)
The brides been here for almost an
hour, but being around in the beginning
was never her problem. Well be here,
showing you the full wedding ceremony,
we hope.
Reporter JACKI and TIFFANY stand at the edge of the CROWD
rep.
JACKI/REPORTER #3 (WBOC TV16)
Will she or wont she? That is on the
minds of these several hundreds folks,
who are standihis m.
Not to mention on the mind of Groom
Number #4, ex-USA Today nist, Ike
Graham, who is missing in a.
EXT. WINDOW OF CHURT. SUNDAY SCHOOL ROOM - DAY
I window of church. Peggy peers out the window at the
ival se. dy sits with Maggie as she leans forward,
doubled over on a childs chair. Peggy moves from the window to
sit with them.
MAGGIE
(moves to window)
Hes not ing. Watch. Hes not
ing.
PEGGY
No, no. I saw eight geese flying in a
"V".
MAGGIE
You and your lucky geese. You always
see geese.
PEGGY
...
DY
And in a "V".
MAGGIE
Eight is good... "V" could be Victory.
They ad lib various words starting with the letter "V". Maggie
is nervous.
DY
Rub your ears.
PEGGY
Yes, rubbing your ears is very soothing.
Cory does that to me when I
hyperventilate.
Maggie rubs her ears.
DY
We do it t.
MAGGIE
Its hurting.
DY
Well rub.
After they rub Maggies ears a bit:
PEGGY
Hes here! Hes here!
They all squeeze and peer out window. They scream iement.
dy rushes to Maggies wedding dress.
DY
Ill get the dress.
MAGGIE
Hes here!... Hes here!
PEGGY
Nows the time for calm... If you dont
calm down, you wo your dress on...
(reassuringly)
Hes the one... Hes the one.
Peggy moves to help dy with the dress. Maggie stands alo
the window a moment. She picks up a toy horse.
MAGGIE
This is not a good sign.
Maggie goes over to Peggy and dy, and starts to get into her
bridal gown. They tio ad lib words standing with the
letter "V".
DY
We have to hurry. The Sunday School
kids will be here soon.
CUT TO:
INT. IKES CAR - DAY
Ike pulls up slowly. GUESTS peer through the his car window and
wave. Ike rubs his headache.
JULIE MURPHY
Well, the groom just pulled up. There
was talk of a "now show", but he is
here.
DINA NAPOLI
Ike Graham is here!
IKESPOV:
He moves as he takes it all in: a FAMILY eats a fast food piic
on a neighbors lawn, invited GUESTS flock by in their party
best, and loEWS TEAMS block the way. The STATE SENATOR is
making a speech weling the press to Maryland. A large GROUP
of reporters head up the churchs stairs, hauling their
equipment. They ehe flood of PEOPLE streaming ihe
church. Ike snaps.
EXT. IKES CAR - TINUING
Ike stops the car where it is and jumps out, slamming the door in
ahe REPORTERS swarm around him as he gets out of the car.
They tio pound him with questions as he walks to church
steps. An OLDER LADY smacks him on the shoulder with a
neer. He turns in astonishment and tinues up the
steps. He charges up the stairs and grabs Lee.
IKE
Shoot ours so she has oh an
ending.
Mrs. Pressman stands, shooting Ike with her video camera.
IKE (td)
(pleading)
Mrs. Pressman, please.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Its okay. Theres no microphone.
Youre no fun.
IKE
No, Im not.
Ike retreats into the church. Lee es up to him again with his
video camera: CHUFFA about Scorsese.
INT. CHURCH - TINUING
As Fisher and Ellie sign the guest book, a LOCAL LADY stares at
Ellie. Ellie stares back at her until she leaves. Ike walks
away from Lee and turns smato Ellie and Fisher. Ike puts
his arms around them and gives them a big hug.
IKE
Friends. Thank you. Thank you.
Over Ellies shoulder, Ike sees Fishers grinning face.
IKE (td)
We are friends, arent we, Fisher?
FISHER
(grinning)
Of course we are. Of course.
IKE
Then youll be my best man.
FISHER
Well, Im good, I dont know if Im
best.
IKE
Go talk to the pastor aell
you what to do. And someone will tell
me what to do.
ELLIE
You always looked great in that suit...
And Ike?
(emotional)
Im happy for you, honey.
Ellie whispers in his ear.
ELLIE (td)
Ill have a car around the back to
whisk you out of here if she runs.
Ellie kisses him on the cheek and walks away.
ANGLE ON:
Bob es up to Ike. He looks like hes going to punch Ike, then
abruptly holds out a rose boutonniere.
BOB
You look awful.
IKE
(sarcastically)
Thank you.
Bob hands the flower to Ike. Ike is shaking. Bob catches this
and looks up to Ike. It is a moment of hoy between the
men.
BOB
Ike. Need help?
He takes the boutonniere and puts it on Ikes lapel.
BOB (td)
Im glad its you.
IKE
Really?
BOB
I didnt want to find out I wasnt for
her in the fourth quarter.
IKE
Got any last minute advice?
BOB
(motioning to their eyes)
Maintain eye tact.
Bob turns and leaves, going down a side staircase.
IKE
(to himself)
Eye tact. Eye tact.
Out of the er of his eye, Ike sees a pictures of Christ on the
wall. He leans into the picture and whispers.
IKE (td)
Cover me.
He walks into the chapel.
INT. CHAPEL - TINUING
Ike steps up and stands o Fisher.
FISHER
(to Ike)
I have no idea what Im doing.
IKE
Your job is... the ring.
(to Fisher)
Do you have the ring?!
FISHER
I just found out Im best man! Im
lucky I have a suit... Whats wrong?
Ike gives the ring to Fisher. The Pastor approaches Ike. Ike
turns away and look out over the guests.
IKESPOV: There are most of the TOWNSPEOPLE weve e to
know, plus some NEW YORKERS for Ike, with little ponytails.
Armani wire rims, Donna Karan bodysuits. Theres a lot of
smirking, cheg out the hicks, f their stories for
cocktail hour. Elaine is in back all dressed in black, m
Ike. Mrs. Trout approaches Ike.
MRS. TROUT
You should thank Lou and I for the
wedding car -- a 63 Buick.
IKE
Thank you.
MRS. TROUT
Oh, e on. Youre practically family.
Mrs. Trout starts pig lint off Fishers jacket.
FISHER
Hello. Im Fisher.
MRS. TROUT
This doesnt want to e out.
FISHER
You just pull a hair from my neck.
IKE
Mrs. Trout, go back to your seat!
INT. CHURCH FOYER - DAY
Peggy joins Maggie, who is blowing bubblegum and swaying in
front of an oscillating fan. Grandma and Walter e in.
Grandma gives her a kiss on the cheek.
GRANDMA JULIA
Good luck, Maggie.
MAGGIE
Thank you, Grandma.
Grandma leaves. Walter steps up.
WALTER
(quietly to Maggie)
Im really rooting for this one.
MAGGIE
Thank you, Dad.
Peggy turns off the fan. dy takes the bag from Maggie.
DY
Spit.
Maggie spits her bubblegum into the bag. Peggy hands Maggie her
bouquet.
PEGGY
Lets go.
MAGGIE
No sauntering down the aisle. Just
make time. Lets just get there.
dy and Peggy nod and leave. The door closes.
INT. CHAPEL - TINUING
Both extends his hand to Elaine.
ELAINE
Hi, Im Elaine from New York.
BOB
Hello. Im Bob, Maggies fourth
attempt.
ELAINE
Im sorry.
BOB
Thats okay. Theres a lid for every
pot. Besides, Im fortable with Ike.
I mean, Jack Dempsey lost his
heavyweight title to a New Yorker.
ELAINE
I know. Geunney.
The an begins to play. The anist is Ted. Grandma, Walter,
Mrs. Pressman and the Trouts watch. Mrs. Trout picks lint off of
her husbands jacket.
ANGLE ON:
dy and Peggy enter with the fident air of people who have
dohis before. They make it to the head of the aisle all too
quickly. Peggy gives Ike a wink and an encing smile.
INT. CHURCH FOYER - TINUING
The door opens and Dennis sticks his head in.
DENNIS
Theyre ready, Maggie.
MAGGIE
Just a sed.
Dennis closes the door behind him as he goes bato the
chapel. Maggie has a moment alone. She looks at back door as
possible escape route, then ges her mind. She signals the
start of the wedding by knog on the door.
INT. CHAPEL - TINUOUS
Immediately, Cory and Dennis open the doors for her entrance.
All the guests stand as Maggie ehe chapel smiling.
MAGGIES POV:
The aisle stretches before her into infinity. Faces goggle at
her from every dire. The tiny figure of Ike stands like a
bea a long way off.
NEW ANGLE:
She plunges forward with a sped-up hesitation step.
ANGLE ON:
Ike rocks imperceptibly, urging her on. Peggy and dy make
little "e on" motions. It seems to be w. Maggie
approaches rapidly. The CROWD has turned from skepticism to
looks and noises of encement.
ANGLE ON: MAGGIE
But then her feet gradually begin to slow.
ANGLE ON:
Fisher gives a little "darn, so close" look.
ANGLE ON:
But Ike is too busy maintaining eye tact. His eyes urge
Maggie closer -- loving her, willing her on.
CLOSE ON:
Maggie stops her walk, gives Ike a teasing smile, and then
resumes with her walk toward him. His face. Her face. His
face. Her face.
CLOSE ON:
Her foot inches forward. The other follows.
NEW ANGLE:
A sigh now rises from the GUESTS as Maggie closes in on Ike. He
smiles at her. She smiles at him. She is almost there... Shes
there, smiling at Ike. The Pastestures to the guests to sit
down. They do.
ANGLE ON:
Ike sneezes. She looks down and imagines she sees the carpet
splitting apart. And she bolts like a bat out of hell! In a
flurry of white, she is halfway down the aisle before Ike knows
what hits him.
ANGLE ON:
Ike stands there dazed. For a sed. Then she springs into
a, charging after her.
IKE
(yelling out)
Block the doors!
Like a general, he points to Dennis and Cory in the bad
sends them into a. The doors shut in Maggies face. But
shes a wild animal ered. She moves to the side. The
TOWNSPEOPLE stand so Ike hurry through the pew. Ike climbs
on the pews towards her as GUEST crowd the aisle, blog his
path. Like a gazelle, she leaps to the side aisle and scampers
down and away. Fisher gets on his cell phone. Ike charges from
one of the full pews, crosses the aisle and leaps across the pews
he staircase to cut her off. He grabs her veil and it
es off in his hands. Maggie disappears doweps of the
church basement. Ike fumble with the veil and jumps over the
railing, landing on Dennis toe. He follows dowairs
after her. Mrs. Pressman and Walter exge bet money.
CUT TO:
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - TINUING
Maggie es down steps aers the church childrens Sunday
school class. A lot of KIDS And TEACHERS are doing religious
arts and crafts. As Maggie runs through:
MAGGIE
Theres a man ing down those steps
with lots of dy in his pockets. If
you tickle him, hell give dy.
She gives her bouquet to a little GIRL as she goes by. Ike es
down stairs.
IKE
Maggie!
The KIDS mob him, grabbing his pockets. Ike fights his way
through KIDS.
ANGLE ON:
Maggie as shes in the church kit and hops on ter and
heads out the window. The window is wide enough.
ANGLE ON:
Ike as he gets to the window, but Maggie is out in driveway.
EXT. CHURCH DRIVEWAY - TINUING
Maggie flies toward a FedEx truck at house just leaving.
ANLE:
She gathers her dress and jumps in as Ike yells from window,
then, quickly climbs out onto the lawn as the truck starts to
pull away.
IKE
Maggie!
Maggie looks bace, tearful aful, and disappears
ihe truck. The truck races off.
The PHOTOGRAPHERS turn their cameras on Ike, en masse. He is
enveloped by a barrage ht lights.
Ellie and Fisher, who have also stepped outside on chapel front
steps, are looking around as Ike turns around the er and
past the church.
ELLIE
Look, hes running after her.
FISHER
Look, hes iy good shape.
ELLIE
Poor Ike.
They look after the FedEx trud watch Ike chasing the truck
down the road away from the church.
IKE
(running; yells)
Maggie!
ELLIE
Where do you think shes going?
FISHER
Wherever it is, shell be there by ten-
thirty tomorrow.
dy, Cory, Peggy and Meredith also rush out of the churd
ent on Maggies runaway. Further down the road, Ike still
chases the truck, yelling:
IKE
Maggie!
As the truck rounds the bend in the road and disappears, Ike
stops and stares aloer the disappearing truck. A swarm of
REPORTERS catch up to him, flashing pictures and asking
questions. Another camera flashes a to:
A NEER PHOTO
Of Ikes stunned fa the cover of the USA Today. The caption
reads: "Hit and Run: Runaway Bride Strikes again". And we see
headlines in other papers.
"MAGGIES MAD DASH"
"HARDWARE HONEY GOES NUTS AND BOLTS"
"JOURNALIST WRITTEN OFF"
"BRIDE TAKES HIKE...NOT IKE"
"BRIDE TAKE RIDE"
"MAGGIE SAYS I DONT"
NEER MONTAGE:
INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY
Kevin, the bartender, reads Jays n, in the USA Today
entitled "Maggies Mad Dash".
CUT TO:
EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY
Various neer WORKERS also read Jays n in the USA
Today entitled "Maggie Mad Dash" and "Hardware Honey Goes Nuts
and Bolts" in another neer.
FADE IN
EXT. MAIN STREET/HALE - NIGHT (1-5 MONTHS LATER)
Its a night like any other in Hale -- the regular order of
things has beeored on its quaint streets. Quartet sings
in front of the hotel. LEE AND CORY CHUFFA: About where Peggy
is.
INT. HARDWARE STORE - NIGHT
Maggie is sitting, end of a long day. Peggy sticks her head in
entrance door.
PEGGY
You okay? Im closing.
MAGGIE
Im just finishing up, too.
PEGGY
Want to go to Butchs for a drink or
something?
MAGGIE
(interrupting)
No, Im just going to head home.
PEGGY
Okay.
Peggy starts to go, then moves close to Maggie.
PEGGY (td)
(stepping closer
and making a "V"
with her fingers)
You know, I was just thinking about
that geese thing. I think the "V" was
half of <q></q>a "W". A "W" for...
MAGGIE
What are you talking about?
PEGGY
Wedding. Wedding.
(holding Maggies face)
You just have to get the rest of your
ducks in a row.
MAGGIE
Thank you. You still think that he
was....
PEGGY
Quick. Very quick.
Peggy exits. Maggie stares, losing herself in thought. Then a
VOICE startles her.
VOICE
(whispers)
Marry me, Maggie.
Maggie jumps and turns to see: DENNIS -- the kid from the high
school football team, popping up from a low positiohe
ter.
MAGGIE
(softly)
Hi, Dennis.
DENNIS
I am going to propose, you know. I
mean, the right way. Soon as I turn
eighteen.
MAGGIE
Youre sweet, Dennis. But youve got
to go. Im closing up. Heres a dy
bar and one for your brother.
Dennis takes the dy and starts to go.
DENNIS
Im not giving up. A person shouldnt
give up.
Dens. Maggie is alone. She turns out the lamp she
desighen on again. She turns off the other lamp on the
ter as. We hold on Maggies designed lamp.
CUT TO:
INT. IKES HALLWAY AND APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ike walks up to his door, carrying his mail and a bag of
carryout. He opens the door and walks into his apartment. He
pets Italics, who sits on his sofa bed. Without taking off his
coat, he goes to his keyboard and plays music as he CHUFFAS to
his cat about marriage and divorce.
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DAY
Dad and Grandma Julia are there. Grandma is making lunch.
Walter is juggling es. Theres glass of beer on the
kit ter.
WALTER
Thats Maggie. Home for lunch.
GRANDMA JULIA
Shes been doing this sihe last
wedding. I dont think its good.
Maggie walks in and kisses Grandma on the cheek.
MAGGIE
Hey. Grandma, whats for lunch?
GRANDMA JULIA
Turkey and cheese.
WALTER
Honey, yrandmother and I were
thinking about opening a wedding gift
museum.
Walter laughs.
MAGGIE
STOP!
Walter looks at his daughter in surprise. Hes never heard a
tone like this in her voice before.
WALTER
What?
MAGGIE
(quiet fury)
Just stop it. Dont say another word
like that.
WALTER
(putting down the es)
Maggie, its just a joke...
MAGGIE
No. Its my life.
WALTER
A harmless joke.
MAGGIE
No, its humiliating and youve been
doing it since I was a kid. I dont
like it. Stop. You may not like
having a daughter with problems. But
guess what? I dont like having a
father whos drunk all the time. Ill
eat in my room.
Maggie takes a plate as.
GRANDMA JULIA
That o be said. You know --
youre always making jokes about her,
so they wont make jokes about your
drinking.
Walter reacts.
CUT TO:
INT. IKES APARTMENT - DAY
Ike goes out on his terrace. He bounces a basketball. It
doesnt bounce. He sits oeps of the patio an stares.
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM/GYM - DAY
Maggie is kickboxing.
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM/GYM - ANOTHER DAY
Maggie is a bit melancholy as she works on her lamps.
CUT TO:
INT. IKES APARTMENT - ANOTHER DAY
Ike quietly sits in bed writing and staring into space thinking.
His cat sits on the windowsill.
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM/GYM - NIGHT
Maggie jumps rope barefooted late at night.
MAGGIE
I need a plan... A plan to life... What
would Bruce Lee do? Hed kie
ass...
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIES KIT - DAY
Maggie in front of plates full of all sorts of types of eggs --
scrambled, poached, sunny-side up, Be, soft boiled, etc
-- sits o ter. She ties them all.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY
Establishing shot. Two MEN try to fix the engine of a taxi
outside the restaurant.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DUSK
Eke walks by the T-shirt Vendoes into a subway station.
EXT. AREET - DUSK
Ike crosses a busy street where a MAN is being arrested. Ike is
passing the upscale "Millennium Hardware Store". He gla
the window, looks away, stops and looks again. The window
display is made up of an assortment of Maggies lamps. Logo
"MAG" is on them. He smiles and walks on.
EXT. TRAL PARK RESERVOIR - DUSK
Ike stares out at water as he walks.
EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Ike walks along sidewalk, crosses street, enters his building.
INT. IKES APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ike opens the door to his apartment and flicks on the lights. He
crosses to hang his coat in the closet. In the closet mirror, he
sees and is stuo find: MAGGIE, sitting on the couch
holding Italics, the cat.
MAGGIE
Hello, Ike.
He closes the closet and crosses to his desk.
IKE
Dont tell me. My doorman is one of
your many admires... I knew I should
have given him a better Christmas gift.
Maggie smiles tenuously. Shes more than a little terrified.
MAGGIE
Ive been making friends with your cat.
(then)
Is it okay that Im here?
IKE
I dont have much choi the matter
now, do I? But I t speak for
Italics.
(to Cat)
Traitor!
He moves to the kit.
MAGGIE
I dont blame you for being mad...
Ike looks at her. Apparently the word "mad" is an uatement.
MAGGIE (td)
... Or... furious.
Ike looks at her again.
MAGGIE (td)
... Irate? Livid? Hows that?
He starts putting cat food in a bowl. The cat leaves Maggies
side and starts to east.
IKE
Livid is good. So what is it, Maggie?
You here on business? I saw your lamps.
Theyre terrific.
MAGGIE
Its something Ive always wao do.
Ike leaves the kit, turns on the baly lights aers
the living room from the baly.
IKE
You actually could make breaking and
entering into a new career.
(after opening
the glass doors)
So, what are you doing here?
MAGGIE
I wao talk to you about why I run
or ride away from things.
Ike moves away from her and sits oeps he baly
window, listening.
IKE
(after sitting)
Does it matter?
MAGGIE
I think so... When I was walking down
the aisle? I was walking toward
somebody who didnt have any idea who I
really was. And it was only half the
other persons fault, because I had
done everything to vince him that I
was exactly what he wanted. So it was
good that I didnt gh with it
because it would have been a lie, but
you -- you khe real me.
IKE
Yes, I did.
MAGGIE
I didnt. And you being the o the
end of the aisle didnt just fix that.
Ike takes this in. Shes reag him -- but then the defenses
go back up. He turns to her.
IKE
No, I couldnt fix anything...
(as he gets up)
But I still ended up chasing a truck.
Ike moves out to the baly. After a moment, Maggie follows him.
EXT. BALY/IKESAPARTMENT - NIGHT
The baly overlooks tral Park. The twinkling lights of the
city stretch out across the beautiful night. Ike looks out at
the view with his baaggie as she speaks.
MAGGIE
I uand why y up the truck.
Let me explain something. The fact is,
youve see my worst, most
embarrassing, deviously plotting,
potentially but not certifiably,
psychotic state. And if you liked me
then, I mean, now... I t imagine...
(crosses to him)
Be.
Ike has no response.
MAGGIE (td)
I love eggs Be. I hate all the
other kinds.
She hesitates.
MAGGIE (td)
... I hate big weddings with everybody
staring. I would like to get married
on a weekday while everybody is at work.
If I ride off into the su, I want
my own horse.
IKE
Should I be writing this down?
She returns to the baly and hands him the box.
IKE (td)
Whats this?
MAGGIE
These are for you.
He opens it. Its her running shoes.
IKE
Used?
MAGGIE
Theyre mine. Im turning in my
running shoes to you.
IKE
This is getting serious.
Now she is glowing at him, shining with the full force of her.
MAGGIE
And one more thing. I know its hard
to believe there could be more. Um...
Maggie glances around and spots a DECK CHAIR, which she turns so
it is fag the city lights. Then she softly says:
MAGGIE (td)
If you could have a seat, please.
Ike sits. Maggie takes the box from him and puts it aide. And
thes down on one knee.
IKE
(laughing)
Oh my God. No.
Maggie smiles up at him. Ike tips his head bad covers his
eyes with his hand.
MAGGIE
No, no -- dont hide your face, this
only happens on a lifetime. Its
definitely a first to me, and youre
not going to want to miss it.
He smiles as he looks at Maggie.
MAGGIE (td)
I love you, Homer Eisenhraham.
Will you marry me?
Ike swallows, overwhelmed, overjoyed, and scared shitless.
IKE
Maggie, I gotta think about this a
little bit.
Maggie hops cheerfully back to her feet.
MAGGIE
(cheerful)
Good.
She gets off her knees and stands.
MAGGIE (td)
I was hoping youd say that.
IKE
(laughing)
You were not.
MAGGIE
I was, because if you said "yes&quht
away, I wouldo say this
part. And Ive been practig it.
(pulling up a chair
and sitting)
Ready?
IKE
Im listening.
MAGGIE
(tenderly)
"I guarahat well have tough
times. I guarahat at some point
one or both oof us will want to get out.
But I also guarahat if I dont
ask you to be mine, Ill regret it for
the rest of my life. Because I know in
my heart -- youre the only one for me".
Ike takes her hands affeately.
IKE
Pretty good speech, Maggie.
MAGGIE
I borrowed it from this guy I know.
So?
Ike looks into Maggies shining fad pauses. He gets up and
motions with his hand for her to stay seated. He goes inside and
turns on some music. The cat is sitting by the radio. He
returns to the baly and takes Maggies hand.
IKE
Dah me.
They start to dance a slow dance.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LARGE GREEN FIELD - DAY
We see a hill and on top of it is a Pastor marrying Maggie and
Ike, iiful wedding attire. We see Maggie walk down a
leaf-lined aisle to a waiting Ike. They kiss as we hear the vows
ahem each say "I do". They kiss a twirling, whirling
kiss, a circular kiss. We hear the applause of about twenty
people. Slowly, we see the twenty people e over the crest of
the hill. They are all Maggies family and friends, plus the
old grooms. They are all paired in twos, like a love Noahs ark.
We see et the news.
INT. CHURCH - DAY
Priest Brian hears about Maggies wedding.
INT. BAKERY - DAY
Mrs. Trout hears about Maggies wedding.
INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY
Gee, Groom #3, hears about Maggies wedding.
INT. ELLIES OFFICE OR APARTMENT - DAY
Ellie and Fisher hear about Maggies wedding.
EXT. FIELD - DAY
ANLE:
Maggie and Ike finally break the kiss. Ike takes her hand and
walks her to two horses. Ike and Maggie, owo horses, ride
off happily in their wedding clothes. As the group cheers,
Maggie throws bouquet. We see it float in the air.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
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