I. My Early Life
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The progressive development of man is vitally depe on iion. It is the most important product of his creative brain. Its ultimate purpose is the plete mastery of mind over the material world, the harnessing of the forces of nature to human needs. This is the difficult task of the ior who is often misuood and unrewarded. But he finds ample pensation in the pleasing exercises of his powers and in the knowledge of being one of that exceptionally privileged class without whom the race would have long ago perished iter struggle against pitiless elements.Speaking for myself, I have already had more than my full measure of this exquisite enjoyment, so much that for many years my life was little short of tinuous rapture. I am credited with being one of the hardest workers and perhaps I am, if thought is the equivalent of labor, for I have devoted to it almost all of my waking hours. But if work is interpreted to be a definite performan a specified time acc tid rule, then I may be the worst of idlers. Every effort under pulsion demands a sacrifice of life-energy. I never paid such a price. On the trary, I have thrived on my thoughts.
In attempting to give a ected and faithful at of my activities in this series of articles, I must dwell, however relutly, on the impressions of my youth and the circumstances as which have been instrumental iermining my career.
Our first endeavors are purely instinctive, promptings of an imagination vivid and undisciplined. As we grow older reason asserts itself and we beore and more systematid designing. But those early impulses, tho not immediately productive, are of the greatest moment and may shape our very destinies. Indeed, I feel now that had I uood and cultivated instead of suppressing them, I would have added substantial value to my bequest to the world. But not until I had attained manhood did I realize that I was an ior.
This was due to a number of causes. In the first place I had a brother who was gifted to araordinary degree—one of those rare phenomena of mentality which biological iigation has failed to explain. His premature death left my parents dissolate.
We owned a horse which had beeed to us by a dear friend. It was a magnifit animal of Arabian breed, possessed of almost human intelligence, and was cared for aed by the whole family, having on one occasion saved my father's life under remarkable circumstances. My father had been called one winter night to perform an urgent duty and while crossing the mountains, ied by wolves, the horse became frightened and ran away, throwing him violently to the ground. It arrived home bleeding and exhausted, but after the alarm was sounded immediately dashed off agaiurning to the spot, and before the searg party were far on the way they were met by my father, who had recovered sciousness and remounted, not realizing that he had been lying in the snow for several hours. This horse was responsible for my brother's injuries from which he died. I withe tragic se and altho fifty-six years have elapsed since, my visual impression of it has lost none of its force. The recolle of his attais made every effort of mine seem dull in parison.
Anything I did that was creditable merely caused my parents to feel their loss more keenly. So I grew up with little fiden myself. But I was far from being sidered a stupid boy, if I am to judge from an i of which I have still a strong remembrance. One day the Aldermen were passing thru a street where I lay with other boys. The oldest of these venerable gentlemen—a wealthy citizen—paused to give a silver piece to each of us. ing to me he suddenly stopt and anded, "Look in my eyes." I met his gaze, my hand outstretched to receive the much valued , when, to my dismay, he said, "No, not much, you get nothing from me, you are too smart."
They us<bdi>..</bdi>ed to tell a funny story about me. I had two old aunts with wrinkled faces, one of them having two teeth protruding like the tusks of an elephant which she buried in my cheek every time she kissed me. Nothing would scare me more than the prospect of being hugged by these as affeate as unattractive relatives. It happehat while being carried in my mother's arms they asked me who was the prettier of the two. After examining their faces ily, I answered thoughtfully, pointing to one of them, "This here is not as ugly as the other."
Then again, I was intended from my very birth for the clerical profession and this thought stantly oppressed me. I loo be an engineer but my father was inflexible. He was the son of an officer who served in the army of the Great Napoleon and, in on with his brother, professor of mathemati a promi institution, had received a military education but, singularly enough, later embraced the clergy in which vocation he achieved eminence. He was a very erudite man, a veritable natural philosopher, poet and writer and his sermons were said to be as eloquent as those of Abraham a Sancta-Clara. He had a prodigious memory and frequently recited at length from works in several languages. He often remarked playfully that if some of the classics were lost he could restore them. His style of writing was much admired. He penned sentences short and terse and was full of wit and satire. The humorous remarks he made were aleculiar and characteristic. Just to illustrate, I may mention one or two instances.
Among the help there was a cross-eyed man called Mane, employed to do work around the farm. He was chopping wood one day. As he swung the axe my father, who stood nearby a very unfortable, cautioned him, "Fod's sake, Mane, do not strike at what you are looking but at what you io hit."
On another occasion he was taking out for a drive a friend who carel..essly permitted his costly fur coat to rub on the carriage wheel. My father reminded him of it saying, "Pull in your coat, you are ruining my tire."
He had the odd habit of talking to himself and would often carry on an animated versation and indulge ied argument, ging the tone of his voice. A casual listener might have sworn that several people were in the room.
Altho I must tray mother's influence whatever iiveness I possess, the training he gave me must have been helpful. It prised all sorts of exercises—as, guessing one another's thoughts, disc the defects of some form or expressioing loences or perf mental calculations. These daily lessons were intethen memory and reason and especially to develop the critical sense, and were undoubtedly very beneficial.
My mother desded from one of the oldest families in the try and a line of iors. Both her father and grandfather inated numerous implements for household, agricultural and other uses. She was a truly great woman, of rare skill, ce and fortitude, who had braved the storms of life and past thru many a trying experience. When she was sixteen a viruleilence swept the try. Her father was called away to admihe last sacraments to the dying and during his absence she went aloo the assistance of a neighb family who were stri by the dread disease. All of the members, five in number, succumbed in rapid succession. She bathed, clothed and laid out the bodies, decorating them with flowers acc to the of the try and when her father returned he found everything ready for a Christian burial.
My mother was an ior of the first order and would, I believe, have achieved great things had she not been so remote from modern life and its multifold opportunities. She ied and structed all kinds of tools and devices and wove the fi designs from thread which un by her. She even plahe seeds, raised the plants and separated the fibers herself. She worked iigably, from break of day till late at night, and most of the wearing apparel and furnishings of the home was the product of her hands. When she ast sixty, her fingers were still nimble enough to tie three knots in an eyelash.
There was another and still more important reason for my late awakening. In my boyhood I suffered from a peculiar affli due to the appearanages, often apanied by strong flashes of light, which marred the sight of real objects and interfered with my thought and a. They were pictures of things and ses which I had really seen, never of those I imagined. When a word oken to me the image of the object it designated would present itself vividly to my vision and sometimes I was quite uo distinguish whether what I saw was tangible or not. This caused me great disfort and ay. None of the students of psychology or physiology whom I have sulted could ever explain satisfactorily these phenomena. They seem to have been uho I robably predisposed as I know that my brother experienced a similar trouble. The theory I have formulated is that the images were the result of a reflex a from the brain oina under great excitation. They certainly were not halluations such as are produced in diseased and anguished minds, for in other respects I was normal and posed. To give an idea of my distress, suppose that I had witnessed a funeral or some suerve-rag spectacle. Then, iably, iillness of night, a vivid picture of the se would thrust itself before my eyes and persist despite all my efforts to banish it. Sometimes it would even remain fixt in space tho I pushed my hand thru it. If my explanation is correct, it should be able to proje a s the image of any objee ceives and make it visible. Su advance would revolutionize all humaions. I am vihat this wonder and will be aplished in time to e; I may add that I have devoted much thought to the solution of the problem.
To free myself of these tormenting appearances, I tried to trate my mind on something else I had seen, and in this way I would of ten obtain temporary relief; but in order to get it I had to jure tinuously new images. It was not long before I found that I had exhausted all of those at my and; my "reel" had run out, as it were, because I had seen little of the world—only objects in my home and the immediate surroundings. As I performed these mental operations for the sed or third time, in order to chase the appearances from my vision, the remedy gradually lost all its force. Then I instinctively eo make excursions beyond the limits of the small world of which I had knowledge, and I saw new ses. These were at first very blurred and indistinct, and would flit away when I tried to trate my attention upon them, but by and by I succeeded in fixing them; they gained in strength and distiness and finally assumed the creteness of real things. I soon discovered that my best fort was attained if I simply went on in my vision farther and farther, getting new impressions all the time, and so I began to travel—of course, in my mind. Every night (and sometimes during the day), when alone, I would start on my journeys—see new places, cities and tries—live there, meet people and make friendships and acquaintances and, however unbelievable, it is a fact that they were just as dear to me as those in actual life and not a bit less intense in their maions.
This I did stantly until I was about seventeen when my thoughts turned seriously to iion. Then I observed to my delight that I could visualize with the greatest facility. I needed no models, drawings or experiments. I could picture them all as real in my mind. Thus I have been led unsciously to evolve what I sider a new method of materializing iive cepts and ideas, which is radically opposite to the purely experimental and is in my opinion ever so much more expeditious and effit.
The moment one structs a device to carry into practise a crude idea he finds himself unavoidably engrossed with the details as of the apparatus. As he goes on improving and restrug, his force of tration diminishes and he loses sight of the great underlying principle. Results may be obtained but always at the sacrifice of quality. My method is different. I do not rush into actual work. When I get an idea I start at once building it up in my imagination. I ge the struake improvements and operate the devi my mind. It is absolutely immaterial to me whether I run my turbine in thought or test it in my shop. I even note if it is out of balahere is no difference whatever, the results are the same. In this way I am able to rapidly develop and perfect a ception without toug anything. When I have gone so far as to embody in the iion every possible improvement I think of and see no fault anywhere, I put into crete form this final produy brain. Invariably my device works as I ceived that it should, and the experiment es out exactly as I pla. Iy years there has not been a single exception. Why should it be otherwise? Engineerirical and meical, is positive is. There is scarcely a subject that ot be mathematically treated and the effects calculated or the results determined beforehand from the available theoretical and practical data. The carrying out into practise of a crude idea as is being generally done is, I hold, nothing but a waste of energy, money and time.
My early affli had, however, another pensation. The incessaal exertion developed my powers of observation and enabled me to discover a truth of great importance. I had hat the appearanages was alreceded by actual vision of ses under peculiar and generally very exceptional ditions and I was impelled on each occasion to locate the inal impulse. After a while this effrew to be almost automatid I gained great facility in eg cause and effect. Soon I became aware, to my surprise, that every thought I ceived was suggested by aernal impression. Not only this but all my as were prompted in a similar way. In the course of time it became perfectly evident to me that I was merely an automaton endowed with power of movement, respondin<tt></tt>g to the stimuli of the sense ans and thinking and ag accly. The practical result of this was the art of telautomatics which has been so far carried out only in an imperfect manner. Its latent possibilities will, however, be eventually shown. I have been since years planning self-trolled automata and believe that meisms be produced which will act as if possessed of reason, to a limited degree, and will create a revolution in many ercial and industrial departments.
I was about twelve years old when I first succeeded in banishing an image from my vision by wilful effort, but I never had any trol over the flashes of light to which I have referred. They were, perhaps, my stra experiend inexplicable. They usually occurred when I found myself in a dangerous or distressing situation, or when I was greatly exhilarated. In some instances I have seen all the air around me filled with tongues of living flame. Their iy, instead of diminishing, increased with time and seemingly attained a maximum when I was about twenty-five years old.
While in Paris, in 1883, a promi French manufacturer sent me an invitation to a shooting expedition which I accepted. I had been long fio the factory and the fresh air had a wonderfully invigorating effee. On my return to the city that night I felt a positive sensation that my brain had caught fire. I saw a light as tho a small sun was located in it and I past the whole night applying cold pressions to my tortured head. Finally the flashes diminished in frequend force but it took more than three weeks before they wholly subsided. When a sed invitation was exteo me my answer was an emphatiO!
These luminous phenomen<dfn></dfn>a still mahemselves from time to time, as when a new idea opening up possibilities strikes me, but they are no longer exg, being of relatively small iy. When I y eyes I invariably observe first, a background of very dark and uniform blue, not uhe sky on a clear but starless night. In a few seds this field bees animated with innumerable stillating flakes of green, arranged in several layers and advang towards me. Then there appears, to the right, a beautiful pattern of two systems of parallel and closely spaced lines, at right ao one another, in all sorts of colors with yellow-green and gold predominating. Immediately thereafter the lines grhter and the whole is thickly sprinkled with dots of twinkling light. This picture moves slowly across the field of vision and in about ten seds vao the left, leaving behind a ground of rather unpleasant and i grey which quickly gives way to a billowy sea of clouds, seemingly trying to mould themselves in living shapes. It is curious that I ot project a form into this grey until the sed phase is reached. Every time, before falling asleep, images of persons or objects flit before my view. When I see them I know that I am about to lose sciousness. If they are absent and refuse to e，it means a sleepless night.
To what aent imagination played a part in my early life I may illustrate by another odd experience. Like most children I was fond of jumping and developed an intense desire to support myself in the air. Occasionally a strong wind richly charged with oxygen blew from the mountains rendering my body as light as cork and then I would leap and float in space for a long time. It was a delightful sensation and my disappoi was keen when later I undeceived myself.
During that period I tracted many strange likes, dislikes and habits, some of which I trace to external impressions while others are unatable. I had a violent aversion against the earrings of women but other ors, as bracelets, pleased me more or less acc to design. The sight of a pearl would almost give me a fit but I was fasated with the glitter of crystals or objects with sharp edges and plane surfaces. I would not touch the hair of other people except, perhaps, at the point of a revolver. I would get a fever by looking at a pead if a piece of camphor was anywhere in the house, it caused me the kee disfort. Even now I am not insensible to some of these upsetting impulses. When I drop little squares of paper in a dish filled with liquid, I always sense a peculiar and awful taste in my mouth. I ted the steps in my walks and calculated the cubical tents of soup plates, coffee cups and pieces of food—otherwise my meal was unenjoyable. All repeated acts or operations I performed had to be divisible by three and if I mist I felt impelled to do it all ain, even if it took hours.
Up to the age of eight years, my character was weak and vacillating. I had her ce or strength to form a firm resolve. My feelings came in waves and surges and vibrated unceasingly betweeremes. My wishes were of ing ford like the heads of the hydra, they multiplied. I pressed by thoughts of pain in life ah and religious fear. I was swayed by superstitious belief and lived in stant dread of the spirit of evil, of ghosts and ogres and other unholy monsters of the dark. Then, all at ohere came a tremendous ge which altered the course of my whole existence.
Of all things I liked books the best. My father had a large library and whenever I could maried to satisfy my passion for reading. He did not permit it and would fly inte when he caught me i. He hid the dles when he found that I was reading i. He did not wao spoil my eyes. But I obtaiallow, made the wig and cast the sticks into tin forms, and every night I would bush the keyhole and the cracks and read, often till dawn, when all others slept and my mother started on her arduous daily task.
On one occasion I came across a novel entitled Abafi (the Son of Aba), a Serbian translation of a well known Hungarian writer, Josika. This work somehow awakened my dormant powers of will and I began to practise self-trol. At first my resolutions faded like snow in April, but in a little while I quered my weakness a a pleasure I never knew before—that of doing as I willed.
In the course of time this vigorous mental exercise became sed nature. At the outset my wishes had to be subdued but gradually desire and will grew to be identical. After years of such discipline I gained so plete a mastery over myself that I toyed with passions which have mearu to some of the stro men. At a certain age I tracted a mania fambling which greatly worried my parents. To sit down to a game of cards was for me the quintessence of pleasure. My father led an exemplary life and could not excuse the senseless waste of time and money in which I indulged. I had a strong resolve but my philosophy was bad. I would say to him, "I stop whenever I please but is it worth while to give up that which I would purchase with the joys of Paradise?" On frequent occasions he gave vent to his anger and pt but my mother was different. She uood the character of men and khat one's<big>99ｌib?</big> salvation could only be brought about thru his own efforts. Oernoon, I remember, when I had lost all my money and was craving fame, she came to me with a roll of bills and said, "Go and enjoy yourself. The sooner you lose all we possess the better it will be. I know that you will get over it." She was right. I quered my passion then and there and only regretted that it had not been a huimes as strong. I not only vanquished but tore it from my heart so as not to leave even a trace of desire. Ever sihat time I have been as indifferent to any form of gambling as to pig teeth.
During another period I smoked excessively, threatening to ruin my health. Then my will asserted itself and I not only stopt but destroyed all ination. Long ago I suffered from heart trouble until I discovered that it was due to the i cup of coffee I ed every m. I disti oho I fess it was not an easy task. In this way I checked and bridled other habits and passions and have not only preserved my life but derived an immense amount of satisfa from what most men would sider privation and sacrifice.
After finishing the studies at the Polyteistitute and Uy I had a plete nervous breakdown and while the malady lasted I observed many phenomena strange and unbelievable.
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