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2Although he was on good terms with everyone, he had not made a real friend. There was no one among his classmates for whom he felt any particular affinity, let alone fondness. And to their amazement, the others discovered in the fistfighter they had first taken for a roeace-loving panion, a model student who seemed to be striving for scholarly laurels.
There were two men in the cloister to whom Goldmunds heart reached out, who filled his thoughts, whom he admired and revered: Abbot Daniel and the assistant teacher, Brother Narcissus. He felt that the Abbot was a saint. He was immensely attracted by his kind simplicity, his clear, ed eyes, by the way he gave orders and made decisions, humbly, as though it were a task, by his good, quiet gestures. He would have liked to bee the personal servant of this pious man, to be in his presence stantly, obedient and serving, t him the sacrifice of all his youthful need for devotion and dedication, to learn a pure, noble, saintly life from him. Goldmund wished not only to finish the cloister school but to remain in the cloister, indefinitely perhaps, dedig his life to God. This was his iion, as it was his fathers wish and and and, most likely, Gods own decision and and. Nobody seemed aware of the burden that lay upon the handsome radiant boy, an inal burden, a secret destiny of ato and sacrifice. Even the Abbot was not aware of it, although Goldmunds father had dropped several hints and clearly expressed the wish that his son remain in the cloister forever. Some secret flaw seemed attached to Goldmunds birth, something unspoken that sought expiation. But the Abbot felt little sympathy for the father, whose words and air of self-importance he had tered with polite reserve, dismissing the hints as not particularly important.
The other man who had aroused Goldmunds admiration had sharper eyes and a keener intuition, but he did not e forward. Narcissus knew only too well what a charming golden bird had flown to him. This hermit soon sensed a kindred soul in Goldmund, in spite of their apparent trasts. Narcissus was dark and spare; Goldmund, a radiant youth. Narcissus was analytical, a thinker; Goldmund, a dreamer with the soul of a child. But something they had in ed these trasts: both were refined; both were different from the others because of obvious gifts and signs; both bore the special mark of fate.
Narcissus took an ardent i in this young soul, whose character ainy he had been quick tnize. Fervently Goldmund admired his beautiful, outstandingly intelligent teacher. But Goldmund was timid; the only way he ko court Narcissus was to exhaust himself in being an attentive, eager student. But more than timidity held him back. He sensed a dao himself in Narcissus. It was impossible to emulate simultaneously the kindly humble Abbot and the extremely intelligent, learned, brilliant Brother Narcissus. Yet every fiber of his youthful soul strove to attaiwo inpatible ideals. It caused him much suffering. There were days during his first months at the cloister school when Goldmunds heart was so torn, so fused, he felt strongly tempted to run away or to take his anguish and anger out on his classmates. Sometimes a bit of ieasing or a prank would stir such a wild rage ihis warm-hearted boy that the utmost trol was required to hold it in; he would close his eyes and turn away, silent ahly pale. Then he would go to the stable to find Bless, lean his head against the horses neck, kiss him and cry his heart out. Gradually his suffering increased and became noticeable. His face grew thinner; his eyes became dull; he rarely laughed the laugh all liked so much.
He didnt know what was happening to him. He holy wished, was holy determio be a good scholar, to begin his novitiate as soon as possible, and after that to bee a quiet, prayerful monk of the cloister. He firmly believed that all his strength and talent drove toward this mild, pious goal; he knew nothing of other drives. How strangely sad then to find this simple, beautiful goal so difficult to attain. Occasionally he would be disced, bewildered to detect hateful moods and tendencies in himself: hed feel distracted, unwilling to learn. Hed daydream or drowse through a lesson, rebel with sudden distaste against the Latin teacher, be ky and impatient with his classmates. And what was most fusing was that his love for Narcissus seemed to fight his love for Abbot Daniel. Yet at moments he felt almost certain that Narcissus loved him also, that he was ed about him, was waiting for him.
Narcissuss thoughts were far more occupied with Goldmund than Goldmund imagined. He wahe bright boy as a friend. He sensed in him his opposite, his plement; he would have liked to adopt, lead, enlighten, strengthen, and bring him to bloom. But he held himself back, for many reasons, almost all of them scious. Most of all, he felt tied and hemmed in by his distaste for teachers or monks who, all too frequently, fell in love with a pupil or a novice. Often enough, he had felt with repulsion the desiring eyes of older men upon him, had met their es and cajoleries with wordless rebuttal. He uood them better now that he khe temptation to love the charming boy, to make him laugh<mark>藏书网</mark>, to run a caressing hand through his blond hair. But he would never do that, never. Moreover, as a mere tutor, with the rank but not the position or the authority of a teacher, he had bee especially cautious and watchful. He was used to dug himself with pupils only a few years youhan himself as though he were twenty years their senior, to forbidding himself sternly all partiality toward a pupil, t himself to particular fairness and for those pupils who were naturally repugnant to him. His was the service of the mind, and to that he dedicated his strict life. Only secretly, during his most unguarded moments, did he permit himself the pleasure ano, no matter how tempting a friendship with Goldmund seemed, it could only be a danger; he must never let it touch the core of his existehe core and meaning of his life was to serve the mind, to serve the word: the quiet, superior, self-ing guidance of his pupils—and not only of his pupils—toward high spiritual goals.
For a year or moldmund had been a student at the cloister school of Mariabronn. He had played some huimes with his classmates uhe lirees in the courtyard and uhe beautiful chestnut tree—ball games, races, snowball fights. Now spring had e, but Goldmuired and sid often had headaches; he found it hard to stay awake in class, hard to trate.
Then one evening Adolf came up to him, the classmate he had first met during a fistfight and with whom he had begun to study Euclid that winter. It was in the hour after supper, an hour of recreatiohe boys were permitted to play in the dormitories, to walk and talk ier cloister yard.
"Goldmund," he said, pulling him dowairs after him, "I want to tell you something, something funny. But youre such a model student—youll probably end up a bishop one of these days. First you must give me your word of honor that you wohe teachers on me."
Goldmund immediately gave his word. There was cloister honor and student honor, and occasionally one tradicted the oldmund was well aware of that. But, as anywhere else in the world, the unwritten law defeated the written one; he would ry to evade student laws and codes while he was himself a student.
Adolf dragged him outside the arder the trees. There was, he whispered, a group of good, stroed classmates—he himself was one of them—who were carrying on an old student tradition, of reminding themselves that they were not monks. They would occasionally steal away from the cloister for an evening in the village. It was the kind of prank or adventure fellow could avoid taking part in; later during the night they would sneak back again.
"But the gates are locked at that hour," Goldmund objected.
Of course they were locked. Precisely. Th<var></var>at was the fun of the whole thing. But there were secret ways to get baside unnoticed; it wouldhe first time.
Goldmund recalled hearing the expression: "going to the village." It stood for boys noal escapades, for all kinds of secret adventures and pleasures which were forbidden on pain of heavy punishment. He froze inside. "Going to the village" was a sin, something forbidden. At the same time he uood only too well that that recisely why the &quulars" sidered it a point of honor to take the risk and that it was a certain distin to be asked to join in this adventure.
He would have liked to say no, to run bad go to bed. He felt tired and weak; his head had ached all afternoon. But he felt slightly embarrassed in front of Adolf. And who could tell: perhaps there would be something new, somethiiful outside the cloister, something that might make one fet headaches and listlessness and all kinds of pain. It was an excursion into the world—although secret and forbidden, nothing to feel proud of. Still, perhaps it would bring release, be an experience. He stood undecided while Adolf tio talk; suddenly he laughed and said yes.
Unobserved, they slipped out uhe lirees in the vast darkening courtyard; the ate had already been locked. Adolf led him to the cloister mill through whie could easily sneak out, unseen iwilight, and unheard because of the stant whirring of wheels. In plete darkhey climbed through a window onto a pile of slippery-wet planks, one of which they pulled out and used as a bridge to cross the little stream. And now they were outside, on the pale glistening road that disappeared into the dark forest. All this was exg a; he e very much.
At the edge of the forest they found a third classmate, Konrad; they waited for a long time and were joined by a fourth, big Eberhard. All four tramped through the forest. Nightbirds rose above them in a rustle of wings; a feeeked wet and bright through quiet clouds. Konrad chattered and joked. Occasionally hed make the others laugh, but there hung above them the solemn ay of night that made their hearts beat faster.
After barely an hour they came to the village oher side of the forest. It seemed asleep. The low gables shimmered faintly, criss-crossed by dark ribs of timber; there wasnt a light anywhere. Adolf led the way. Silent, on tiptoe, they circled several houses, climbed a feood in a garden, sank into the soft earth of a flower bed, stumbled over steps, stopped by the wall of a house. Adolf k a shutter, waited, knocked again. There was a sound inside. Soon a light shohe shutter opened, and oer the other they climbed into a kit with a black hearth and ahen floor. A tiny oil lamp was standing oove, its feeble flame flickering on a thin wick. And there was a girl, a haggard servant girl, who stood holding out her hand to greet the intruders. Anirl stepped out of the shadows behind the first one, a young thing with long black braids. Adolf had brought gifts for them, half a loaf of white cloister bread, and something in a paper sack, a handful of stolen inse perhaps, thought Goldmund, or dle wax or the like. The young girl with the braids went out of the kit, groped her way through the darko the door, stayed away for a long while, returned with a jug of gray clay with a blue flower painted on it and offered the jug to Konrad. He drank from it, passed it on. They all drank; it was strong apple cider.
In the light of the tiny lamp they sat down, the girls id little stools and the students around them on the floor. They spoke in whispers, with interruptions for sips of cider, Adolf and Konrad making most of the versation. From time to time one of them would get up and caress the hair and neck of the irl, and whisper into her ear; no oouched the younger girl. The big one robably the maid, Goldmund thought, and the smaller, pretty ohe daughter of the house. But what difference did it make. It was none of his business and he would never e back here. The secrecy of the escapade, the walk through the night forest had beeiful, out of the ordinary, exg but not dangerous. Forbidden yes, but even so the transgression did not burden ones sce. Whereas this, visiting girls at night, was more than just forbidden; he felt it was a sin. Perhaps for the others even this was only a small adventure, but not for him; he khat he was destined for the ascetic life of a monk, and playing with girls was not permitted him. No, he would never e back here. But his heart pounded with anguish in the flickering half light of the poor kit.
The others were showing off in front of the girls and spiking their talk with tidbits of Latin. The servant girl seemed to like all three; they would sidle up to her with their awkward little caresses, a timid kiss at most. They seemed to kly how much ermitted. And sihe whole versation had to be held in whispers, there was something rather silly about the se, but Goldmund did not see it that way. He crouched on the floor and stared into the flickering flame of the lamp, not saying a word. Occasionally a slightly eager side glance would cate of the caresses the others were exging. Stiffly he stared straight ahead again. More than anything else he would have liked to look at the younger girl with the braids, at no o her, but that especially he forbade himself. And every time his will slaed and his eyes strayed to the sweet quiet face of the girl, he found her dark eyes riveted on his face, staring at him as though she were spellbound.
An hour may have passed—never had Goldmund lived through a longer hour. The students had exhausted their versation and caresses; they sat in embarrassed silence; Eberhard began to yawn. The servant girl said it was time to leave. They stood up, shook her hand—Goldmund last. Then they shook hands with the younger girl—Goldmund last. Konrad was first to climb out through the window, followed by Eberhard and Adolf. As Goldmund was climbing out, he felt a hand hold him back by a shoulder. He could not stop; oside on the ground he slowly turned his head. The younger girl with the braids was leaning out of the window.
"Goldmund!" she whispered. He stood and waited.
"Are you ing back?" she asked. Her timid voice was no more than a breath.
Goldmund shook his head. She reached out with both hands, seized his head; her small hands felt warm on his temples. She bent far down, until her dark eyes were close before his.
"Do e back!" she whispered, and her mouth touched his in a childs kiss.
Quickly he ran through the small garden, toppled across the flower beds, smelled wet earth and dung. A rosebush tore his hand. He climbed over the fend trotted after the others out of the village toward the forest. "Never again!" anded his will. "Again! Tomorrow!" begged his heart.
Nobody surprised the night owls. Nothing hiheir return to Mariabronn, across the little stream, through the mill, across the square of lirees, alo passageways, ables, around window ns, into the cloister and the dormitory.
Big Eberhard had to be punched awake in the m, he was sleeping so heavily. They were all on time for early mass, m soup and assembly in the auditorium; but Goldmund looked pale, so pale Father Martin asked him if he were ill. Adolf shot him a warning gland Goldmund said he felt all right. But during Greek, around noon, Narcissus did not take his eyes off him. He, too, saw that Goldmund was ill, but said nothing and watched closely. At the end of the lesson he called him, sent him on an errand to the library to avoid rousing the students curiosity, and followed him there.
"Goldmund," he said, " I help you? I see you are in trouble. Perhaps youre not feeling well. In which case we shall put you to bed and send you some soup and a glass of wine. You have no head freek today."
For a long while he waited for an ahe pale boy looked at him out of troubled eyes, hung his head, raised it again. His lips quivered; he wao speak but could not. Suddenly he sank to one side, leaned his head on a le, betweewo small oak angels heads that framed the le, and burst into such violent weeping that Narcissus felt embarrassed and averted his eyes for some time before toug the sobbing boy to raise him up.
"All right," he said in a voice that was friehan Goldmund had ever heard from him. "All right, amicus meus, you just weep; it will soon make you feel better. There, sit down; there is o speak. I see that it has been too much for you. It robably difficult for you to stay on your feet all m without letting aice; youve been very ceous. Weep now, it is the best you do. No? All finished? Ba your feet so soon? All right, well go to the infirmary then and youll lie down, and by evening youll feel much better. Lets go."
He led Goldmund to the si, careful not to pass any study halls on the way. He poio one of two empty beds ahe room when Goldmund obediently began to undress, ao the superior to have the boy put on the sick list. He also ordered the promised soup and a glass of wi the refectory, two special treats the cloister habitually allowed the ailing, who e greatly when they did not feel too sick.
Goldmund lay on the bed in the si, trying to think himself out of his fusion. Something like an ho he could perhaps have explaio himself why he felt so indescribably tired today, what deathly strain on the soul drained his mind and made his eyes burn. It was the desperate, stantly renewed, stantly failing effort tet last night—but not the night itself, not the foolish, enjoyable escapade from the locked cloister, or the walk through the forest, or the slippery makeshift bridge across the little black stream behind the mill, or the climbing over fences in and out of gardens, through windows, sneaking along passageways, but the single sed outside the dark kit window, the girls words, her breath, the pressure of her hands, the touch of her lips.
But now something new had occurred, another shock, another experienarcissus cared for him, Narcissus loved him, Narcissus had taken trouble over him—the refined, distinguished, intelligent young teacher with the narrow, slightly sarcastic mouth—and he, Goldmund, had let himself break down in front of him, had stood before him in stammering embarrassment, and had finally started to bawl! Instead of winning this superior being with the ons, with Greek and philosophy, with spiritual heroism and digoicism, he had collapsed in disgraceful weakness. Hed never five himself for it. Never would he be able to look Narcissus in the eye again without shame.
But his weeping had released the great tension. The quiet loneliness of the room and the bed were doing him good; the despair had lost more than half of its impact. After an hour or so, one of the lay brothers came in, brought a gruel soup, a piece of white bread, and a small mug of red wine which the students normally drank only on holidays. Goldmund ate and draied half the plate, pushed it aside, started ?９９lｉb.o think again, but couldnt, reached for the bowl once more, ate a few more spoonfuls. And when, somewhat later, the door quietly opened and Narcissus came in to look after his patient, Goldmund was asleep and a rosy glow had already returo his cheeks. Narcissus looked at him for a long time, with love, curiosity, and also a slight envy. He saw that Goldmund was not ill; there would be o send him wiomorrow. But he khat the ice was broken, that they would be friends. Today it was Goldmund who needed him, whom he was able to serve. Aime he himself might be weak and in need of assistand love. And from this boy he would be able to accept it, were it to e to that some day.
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