Reunion
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her one of them moved as they faced each other.He hadnt said anything, his muscles seemed frozen, and for a sed she thought he didnt reize her. Suddenly she felt guilty about showing up this way, without warning, and this made it harder. She had thought it would be easier somehow, that she would know what to say. But she didnt. Everything that came into her head seemed inappropriate, somehow lag.
Thoughts of the summer theyd shared came back to her, and as she stared at him, she noticed how little hed ged since shed last seen him. He looked good, she thought. With his shirt tucked loosely into old faded jeans, she could see the same broad shoulders she remembered, tapering down to narrow hips and a flat stomach. He was tan, too, as if hed worked outside all summer, and though his hair was a little thinner and lighter than she remembered, he looked the same as he had when shed known him last.
When she was finally ready, she took a deep breath and smiled.
"Hello, Noah. Its good to see you again." Her ent startled him, and he looked at her with amazement in his eyes. Then, after shaking his head slightly, he slowly began to smile.
"You too?" He stammered. He brought his hand to his , and she noticed he hadnt shaved. "Its really you, isnt it? I t believe it."
She heard the sho his voice as he spoke, and surprising her, it all came together - being here, seeing him. She felt something twitside, something deep and old, something that made her dizzy for just a sed.
She caught herself fighting for trol. She hadnt expected this to happen, didnt want it to happen. She was engaged now. She hadnt e here for this.., yet... Yet... Yet the feeli oe herself, and for a brief moment she felt fifteen agai as she hadnt in years, as if all her dreams could still e true.
Felt as though shed finally e home. Without another word they came together, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, a his arms around her, drawing her close. They held each htly, making it real, both of them letting the fourteen years of separation dissolve in the deepening twilight.
They stayed like that for a long time before she finally pulled back to look at him.
Up close, she could see the ges she hadnt noticed at first. He was a man now, and his face had lost the softness of youth. The faint lines around his eyes had deepened, and there was a scar on his that hadhere before. There was a new edge to him; he seemed less i, more cautious, ahe way he was holding her made her realize how much shed missed him since shed seen him last.
Her eyes brimmed with tears as they finally released each other. She laughed nervously under her breath while wiping the tears from the ers of her eyes.
"Are you okay?" he asked, a thousand other questions on his face.
"Im sorry, I dido cry ... "
"Its okay," he said, smiling, "I still t believe its you. How did you find me?"
She stepped back, trying to pose herself, wiping away the last of her tears.
"I saw the story on the house in the Raleigh paper a couple of weeks ago, and I had to e see you again."
Noah smiled broadly. "Im glad you did." He stepped back just a bit. "God, you look fantastic. Youre eveier now than you were then."
She felt the blood in her face. Just like fourteen years ago.
"Thank you. You look great, too." And he did, no doubt about it. The years had treated him well.
"So what have you been up to? Why are you here?"
His questions brought her back to the present, making her realize what could happen if she wasnt careful. Dohis get out of hand, she told herself; the lo goes on, the harder its going to be. And she didnt want it to get any harder.
But God, those eyes. Those soft, dark eyes. She turned away and took a deep breath, w how to say it, and when she finally started, her voice was quiet. "Noah, before you get the wrong idea, I did want to see you again, but theres more to it than just that." She paused for a sed. "I came here for a reason. Theres something I have to tell you."
"What is it?"
She looked away and didnt answer for a moment, surprised that she couldnt tell him just yet. In the silenoah felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. Whatever it was was bad.
"I dont know how to say it. I thought I did at first, but now Im not so sure ..."
The air was suddenly rattled by the sharp cry of a ra, and Clem came out from uhe porch, barking gruffly. Both of them tur the otion, and Allie was glad for the distra.
"Is he yours?" she asked.
Noah nodded, feeling the tightness in his stomach. "Actually its a she. Clementines her name. But yeah, shes all mine."
They both watched as Clem shook her head, stretched, then waoward the sounds. Allies eyes widened just a bit when she saw her limp away.
"What happe?" she asked, stalling for time.
"Hit by a car a few months back. Doc Harrison, the vet, called me to see if I wanted her because her owner didnt anymore. After I saw what had happened, I guess I just could her be put down (Slang); kill or destroy (animals)."
"You were always nice like that," she said, trying to relax. She paused, then looked past him toward the house. "You did a wonderful job rest it. It looks perfect, just like I k would someday."
He turned his head in the same dire as hers while he wondered about the small talk and what she was holding back.
"Thanks, thats nice of you. It was quite a project, though. I dont know if I would do it again."
"Of course you would," she said. She kly how he felt about this place. But then, she knew how he felt about everything - or at least she had a long time ago.
And with that thought, she realized how much had ged sihen. They were strangers now; she could tell by looking at him. Could tell that fourteen years apart was a long time. Too long.
"What is it, Allie?" He turo her, pellio look, but she tio stare at the house.
"Im being rather silly, arent I?" she asked, trying to smile.
"What do you mean?"
"This whole thing. Showing up out of the blue, not knowing what I want to say. You must think Im crazy."
"Youre not crazy," he said gently. He reached for her hand, and she let him hold it as they stood o one another. He went on: "Even though I dont know why, I see this is hard for you. Why dont we go for a walk?"
"Like we used to?"
"Why not? I thih could use one."
She hesitated and looked to his front door. "Do you o tell anyone?"
He shook his head. "No, theres no oo tell. Its just me and Clem."
Even though shed asked, she had suspected there wouldnt be anyone else, and inside she didnt know how to feel about that. But it did make what she wao say a little harder. It would have been easier if there was someone else.
They started toward the river and turned on a path he bank. She let go of his hand, surprising him, and walked on with just enough distaween them so that they couldnt actally touch.
He looked at her. She retty still, with thick hair and soft eyes, and she moved so gracefully that it almost seemed as though she were gliding. Hed seeiful women before, though, women who caught his eye, but to his mind they usually lacked the traits he found most desirable. Traits like intelligence, fiderength of spirit, passion, traits that inspired others to greatness, traits he aspired to himself.
Allie had those traits, he knew, and as they walked now, he sehem once again lingerih the surface. "A living poem" had always been the words that came to mind wheried to describe her to others.
"How long have you been back here?" she asked as the path gave way to a small grass hill.
"Since last December. I worked up north for a while, thehe last three years in Europe."
She looked to him with questions in her eyes. "The war?"
He nodded and she went on. "I thought you might be there. Im glad you made it out okay."
"Me too," he said.
"Are you glad to be bae?"
"Yeah. My roots are here. This is where Im supposed to be." He paused. "But what about you?" He asked the question softly, suspeg the worst.
It was a long moment before she answered. "Im engaged."
He looked down when she said it, suddenly feeling just a bit weaker. So that was it. Thats what she o tell him.
"gratulations," he finally said, w how ving he sounded. "Whens the big day?"
"Three weeks from Saturday. Lon wanted a November wedding."
"Lon?"
"Lon Hammond Jr. My fiancé."
He nodded, not surprised. The Hammonds were one of the most powerful and iial families iate. oney. Uhat of his own father, the death of Lon Hammond Sr. had made the front page of the neer.
"Ive heard of them. His father built quite a business. Did Lon take over for him?"
She shook her head. "No, hes a lawyer. He has his own practice downtown."
"With his name, he must be busy."
"He is. He works a lot."
He thought he heard something ione, and the question came automatically. "Does he treat you well?"
She didnt answer right away, as if she were sidering the question for the first time. Then: "Yes. Hes a good man, Noah. You would like him."
Her voice was distant when she answered, or at least he thought it was. Noah wondered if it was just his mind playing tricks on him.
"Hows your daddy doing?" she asked. Noah took a couple of steps before answering.
"He passed on 去世 earlier this year, right after I got back."
"Im sorry," she said softly, knowing how much he had meant to Noah.
He nodded, and the two walked in silence for a moment. They reached the top of the hill and stopped. The oak tree was in the distance, with the sun glowing e behind it. Allie could feel his eyes on her as she stared in that dire.
"A lot of memories there, Allie."
She smiled. "I know. I saw it when I came in. Do you remember the day we spent there?"
"Yes," he answered, volunteering no more.
"Do you ever think about it?"
"Sometimes," he said. "Usually when Im w out this way. It sits on my property now."
"You bought it?"
"I just couldo see it turned into kit ets."
She laughed under her breath, feeling strangely pleased about that. "Do you still read poetry?”
He nodded. "Yeah. I opped. I guess its in my blood."
"Do you know, youre the only poet Ive ever met."
"Im no poet. I read, but I t write a verse. Ive tried."
"Youre still a poet, Noah Taylor Calhoun." Her voice softened. "I still think about it a lot. It was the first time anyone ever read poetry to me before. In fact, its the only time."
Her ent made both of them drift bad remember as they slowly circled back to the house, following a new path that passed he dock.
As the sun dropped a little lower and the sky turned e, he asked: "So, how long are you staying?"
"I dont know. Not long. Maybe until tomorrow or the day."
"Is your fiancé here on business?"
She shook her head. "No, hes still in Raleigh."
Noah raised his eyebrows. "Does he know youre here?"
She shook her head again and answered slowly. "No. I told him I was looking for antiques. He wouldnt uand my ing here."
Noah was a little surprised by her answer. It was ohing to e and visit, but it was airely different matter to hide the truth from her fiancé.
"You didnt have to e here to tell me you were engaged. You could have written me instead, or even called."
"I know. But for some reason, I had to do it in person."
"Why?"
She hesitated. "I dont know . . . ," she said, trailing off, and the way she said it made him believe her. The gravel ched beh their feet as they walked in silence for a few steps. Then he asked:
"Allie, do you love him?"
She answered automatically. "Yes, I love him."
The words hurt. But agaihought he heard something ione, as if she were saying it to vince herself. He stopped aly took her shoulders in his hands, making her face him. The fading sunlight reflected in her eyes as he spoke.
"If youre happy, Allie, and you love him, I wont try to stop yoing ba. But if theres a part of you that isnt sure, then dont do it. This isnt the kind of thing you go into halfway."
Her answer came almost too quickly. "Im making the right decision, Noah."
He stared for a sed, w if he believed her. Then he nodded and the two began to walk again. After a moment he said: "Im not making this easy for you, am I?"
She smiled a little. "Its okay. I really t blame you."
"Im sorry anyway."
"Doheres no reason to be sorry. Im the one who should be apologizing. Maybe I should have written."
He shook his head. "To be ho, Im still glad you came. Despite everything. Its good to see you again."
"Thank you, Noah."
"Do you think it would be possible to start over (began again)?”
She looked at him curiously.
"You were the best friend I ever had, Allie. Id still like to be friends, even if you are engaged, and even if it is just for a couple of days. How about we just kind of get to know each ain?"
She thought about it, thought about staying or leaving, and decided that since he knew about her e, it would probably be all right. Or at least n.
She smiled slightly and nodded. "Id like that."
"Good. How about dinner? I knolace that serves the best crab in town."
"Sounds great. Where?"
"My house. Ive had the traps out all week, and I saw that I had some good ones caged a couple days ago. Do you mind?"
"No, that sounds fine."
He smiled and pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "Great. Theyre at the dock. Ill just be a couple of minutes."
Allie watched him walk away and noticed the tension shed felt when telling him about her e was beginning to fade. Closing her eyes, she ran her hands through her hair ahe light breeze fan her cheek. She took a deep breath and held it for a moment, feeling the muscles in her shoulders further relax as she exhaled. Finally, opening her eyes, she stared at the beauty that surrounded her.
She always loved evenings like this, evenings where the faint aroma of autumn leaves rode on the backs of soft southern winds. She loved the trees and the sounds they made. Listening to them helped her relax even more. After a moment, she turoward Noah and looked at him almost as a stranger might.
God, he looked good. Even after all this time. She watched him as he reached for a rope that hung ier. He began to pull it, ae the darkening sky, she saw the muscles in his arm flex as he lifted the cage from the water. He let it hang over the river for a moment and shook it, letting most of the water escape. After setting the trap on the dock, he ope and began to remove the crabs one by one, plag them into a bucket.
She started walking toward him then, listening to the crickets chirp, and remembered a lesson from childhood. She ted the number of chirps in a minute and added twenty-nine. Sixty-seven degrees, she thought as she smiled to herself. She didnt know if it was accurate, but it felt abht.
As she walked, she looked around and realized she had fotten how fresh aiful everything seemed here. Over her shoulder, she saw the house in the distance. He had left a couple of lights on, and it seemed to be the only house around. At least the only oh electricity. Out here, outside the town limits, nothing was certain. Thousands of try homes still lacked the luxury of indhting.
She stepped on the dod it creaked under her foot. The sound reminded her of a rusty squeeze-box, and Noah glanced up and wihe back to cheg the crabs, making sure they were the right size. She walked to the rocker that sat on the dod touched it, running her hand along the back. She could picture him sitting in it, fishing, thinking, reading. It was old aher-beaten, rough feeling.
She wondered how much time he spent here alone, and she wondered about his thoughts at times like those.
"It was my daddys chair," he said, not looking up, and she nodded. She saw bats in the sky, and frogs had joihe crickets in their evening harmony.
She walked to the other side of the dock, feeling a sense of closure. A pulsion had driven her here, and for the first time in three weeks the feeling was gone.
Shed somehow needed Noah to know about her e, to uand, to accept it - she was sure of that now - and while thinking of him, she was reminded of something theyd shared from the summer they were together. With head down, she paced around slowly, looking for it until she found it - the carving.
Noah loves Allie,
in a heart. Carved into the dock a few days before shed left.
A breeze broke the stillness and chilled her, making her cross her arms. She stood that way, alternately looking down at the carving and then toward the river, until she heard him reach her side. She could feel his closeness, his warmth, as she spoke.
"Its so peaceful here," she said, her voice dreamlike.
"I know. I e down here a lot now just to be close to the water. It makes me feel good."
"I would, too, if I were you."
"e os go. The mosquitoes are getting vicious, and Im starved."
The sky had turned black, and Noah started toward the house, Allie right beside him.
In the silence her mind wandered, and she felt a little light-headed as she walked along the path. She wondered what he was thinking about her being here and wasly sure if she knew herself. When they reached the house a couple of minutes later, Clem greeted them with a wet nose in the wrong plaoah motioned her away, and she left with her tail between her legs.
He poio her car. "Did you leave anything ihat you o get out?"
"No, I got in earlier and unpacked already." Her voice sounded different to her, as if the years had suddenly been undone.
"Good enough," he said as he reached the back pord started up the steps. He set the bucket by the door, thehe way inside, heading toward the kit.
It was on the immediate right, large and smelling of new wood. The ets had been done in oak, as was the floor, and the windows were large and faced east, allowing the light from m sun. It was a tasteful restoration, not overdone as was on when homes like this were rebuilt.
"Do you mind if I look around?"
"No, go ahead. I did some shopping earlier, and I still have to put the groceries away."
Their eyes met for a sed, and Allie knew as she turhat he tio watch her as she left the room. Inside she felt that little twitch again.
She toured the house for the few minutes, walking through the rooms, notig how wonderful it looked. By the time shed finished, it was hard to remember how run-down it had been. She came dowairs, turoward the kit, and saw his profile. For a sed he looked like a young man of seventeen again, and it made her pause a split sed befoing on. Damn, she thought, get a hold of yourself. Remember that youre engaged now.
He was standing by the ter, a couple of et doors open wide, empty grocery bags on the floor, whistling quietly. He smiled at her before putting a few more s into one of the ets. She stopped a few feet from him and leaned against the ter, one leg over the other. She shook her head, amazed at how much he had done.
"Its unbelievable, Noah. How long did the restoration take?"
He looked up from the last bag he was unpag. "Almost a year."
"Did you do it yourself?"
He laughed under his breath. "No. I always thought I would when I was young, and I started that way. But it was just too much. It would have taken years, and so I ended up hiring some people.., actually a lot of people. But even with them, it was still a lot of work, and most of the time I didnt stop until past midnight."
"Whyd you work so hard?"
Ghosts, he wao say, but didnt. "I dont know. Just wao finish, I guess. Do you want anything to drink before I start dinner?”
"What do you have?"
"Not much, really. Beer, tea, coffee."
"Tea sounds good."
He gathered the grocery bags and put them away, then walked to a small room off the kit before returning with a box of tea. He pulled out a couple of teabags ahem by the stove, then filled the teapot. After putting it on the burner, he lit a match, and she heard the sound of flames as they came to life.
"Itll be just a minute," he said. "This stove heats up pretty quick."
"Thats fine."
Wheeapot whistled, he poured two cups and handed oo her.
She smiled and took a sip, then motiooward the window. "Ill bet the kit is beautiful when the m light shines in."
He nodded. "It is. I had larger windows put in on this side of the house for just that reason. Even in the bedrooms upstairs."
"Im sure yuests enjoy that. Unless of course they want to sleep late."
"Actually, I havent had any guests stay over yet. Since my daddy passed on, I dont really know who to invite."
By his tone, she knew he was just making versatio for some reason it made her feel.., lonely. He seemed to realize how she was feeling, but before she could dwell on it, he ged the subject.
"Im going to get the crabs in to marieep or soak (meat or fish) in a spicy sauce) for a few minutes before I steam em," he said, putting his cup on the ter. He went to the cupboard and removed a large pot with a steamer and lid. He brought the pot to the sink, added water, then carried it to the stove.
" I give you a hand with something?"
He answered over his shoulder. "Sure. How about cutting up some vegetables for the fryer. Theres plenty in the icebox, and you find a bowl over there."
He motioo the et he sink, and she took another sip of tea before setting her cup on the ter arieving the bowl. She carried it to the icebox and found some okra, zui, onions, and carrots otom shelf. Noah joined her in front of the open door, and she moved to make room for him. She could smell him as he stood o her - , familiar, distinctive - a his arm brush against her as he leaned over and reached inside. He removed a beer and a bottle of hot sauce, theuro the stove.
Noah opehe beer and poured it ier, then added the hot saud some other seasoning as well. After stirring the water to make sure the powders were dissolved, he went to the back door to get the crabs.
He paused for a moment befoing baside and stared at Allie, watg her cut the carrots. As he did that, he wondered again why she had e, especially now that she was engaged. None of this seemed to make much seo him.
But then, Allie had always been surprising. He smiled to himself, remembering back to the way she had been. Fiery, spontaneous, passionate - as he imagined most artists to be. And she was defihat. Artistic talent like hers was a gift. He remembered seeing some paintings in the museums in New York and thinking that her work was just as good as what he had seen there.
She had given him a painting before shed left that summer. It hung above the firepla the living room. Shed called it a picture of her dreams, and to him it had seemed extremely sensual. When he looked at it, aen did late in the evening, he could see desire in the colors and the lines, and if he focused carefully, he could imagine what she had been thinking with every stroke.
A dog barked in the distance, and Noah realized he had been standing with the door open a long time. He quickly closed it, turning back to the kit. And as he walked, he wondered if she had noticed how long hed been gone.
"Hows it going?" he asked, seeing she was almost finished.
"Good. Im almost done here. Anything else for dinner?"
"I have some homemade bread that I lanning on."
"Homemade?"
"From a neighbor," he said as he put the pail in the sink. He started the faucet and began to rihe crabs, holding them uhe water, theing them scurry around the sink while he rihe one. Allie picked up her cup and came over to watch him.
"Arent you afraid theyll pinch you when you grab them?"
"No. Just grab em like this," he said, demonstrating, and she smiled.
"I fet youve dohis your whole life."
"New Berns small, but it does teach you how to do the things that matter."
She leaned against the ter, standing close to him, aied her cup. When the crabs were ready he put them i oove. He washed his hands, turning to speak to her as he did so.
"You want to sit on the porch for a few minutes? Id like to let em soak for a half hour."
"Sure," she said.
He wiped his hands, and together they went to the back poroah flipped on the light as they went outside, a in the older rocker, the newer oo her. When he saw her cup was empty, he went inside for a moment and emerged with another cup of tea and a beer for himself. He held out the cup and she took it, sipping again before she set it oable beside the chairs.
"You were sitting out here when I came, werent you?"
He answered as he made himself fortable. "Yeah. I sit out here every night. Its a habit now."
"I see why," she said as she looked around. "So, what is it you do these days?"
"Actually, I dont do anything but work on the house right now. It satisfies my creative urges."
"How you... I mean..."
"Moldman."
"Excuse me?"
He smiled. "My old boss from up north. His name was Moldman. He offered me a part of the business just as I enlisted and died before I got home. When I got back to the States, his lawyers gave me a check big enough to buy this plad fix it up."
She laughed under her breath. "You always told me youd find a way to do it."
They both sat quietly for a moment, thinking back again. Allie took another sip of tea. "Do you remember sneaking over here the night you first told me about this place?"
He nodded, and she went on:
"I got home a little late that evening, and my parents were furious when I finally came in. I still picture my daddy standing in the living room smoking a cigarette, my mother on the sofa staring straight ahead. I swear, they looked as if a family member had died. That was the first time my parents knew I was serious about you, and my mother had a long talk with me later that night. She said to me, Im sure you think that I dont uand what yoing through, but I do. Its just that sometimes, our future is dictated by what we are, as opposed to what we want. I remember being really hurt when she said that."
"You told me about it the day. It hurt my feelings, too. I liked your parents, and I had no idea they didnt like me."
"It wasnt that they didnt like you. They didnt think you deserved me."
"Theres not much difference."
There was a sadness in his voice when he responded, and she knew he was right to feel that way. She looked toward the stars while she ran her hand through her hair, pulling back the strands that had fallen onto her face.
"I know that. I always did. Maybe thats why my mother and I always seem to have a distaween us whealk."
"How do you feel about it now?"
"The same as I did back then. That its wrong, that it isnt fair. It was a terrible thing firl to learn. That status is more important than feelings.
Noah smiled softly at her answer but said nothing.
"Ive thought about you ever sihat summer, she said.
"You have?"
"Why wouldnt you think so?" She seemed genuinely surprised.
"You never answered my letters."
"You wrote?”
"Dozens of letters. I wrote you for two years without receiving a single reply."
She slowly shook her head before l her eyes. "I didnt know... ," she finally said, quietly, and he k must have been her mother, cheg the mail, removing the letters without her knowledge. It was what he had always suspected, ached as Allie came to the same realization.
"It was wrong of her to do that, Noah, and Im sorry she did. But try to uand. Once I left, she probably thought it would be easier for me to just let it go. She never uood how mueant to me, and to be ho, I dont even know if she ever loved my father the way I loved you. In her mind, she was just trying to protect my feelings, and she probably thought the best way to do that was to hide the letters you sent."
"That wasnt her decision to make," he said quietly.
"I know."
"Would it have made a difference even if youd got them?"
"Of course. I always wondered what you were up to."
"No, I mean with us. Do you think we would have made it?"
It took a moment for her to answer. "I dont know, Noah. I really dont, and you doher. Were not the same people we were then. Weve ged, weve grown. Both of us."
She paused. He didnt respond, and in the silence she looked toward the creek. She went on: "But yes, Noah, I think we would have. At least, Id like to think we would have."
He nodded, looked down, then turned away. "Whats Lon like?"
She hesitated, not expeg the question. Bringing up Lons name brought slight feelings of guilt to the surface, and for a moment she didnt know how to answer.
She reached for her cup, took another sip of tea, and listened as a woodpecker tapped in the distance. She spoke quietly. "Lons handsome, charming, and successful, and most of my friends are insanely jealous. They think hes perfect, and in a lot of ways he is. Hes kind to me, he makes me laugh, and I know he loves me in his own way." She paused for a moment, colleg her thoughts. "But theres always going to be something missing in our relationship."
She surprised herself with her answer but k was true heless. And she also knew by looking at him that Noah had suspected the answer in advance.
"Why?"
She smiled weakly and shrugged as she answered. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I guess I still look for the kind of love we had that summer."
Noah thought about what she had said for a long while, thinking about the relationships hed 藏书网had since hed last seen her.
"How about you?" she asked. "Did you ever think about us?"
"All the time. I still do."
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"No," he answered, shaking his head.
Both of them seemed to think about that, trying but finding it impossible to displace from their minds. Noah finished his beer, surprised that he had emptied it so quickly.
"Im going to go start the water. I get you anything?"
She shook her head, and Noah went to the kit and put the crabs ieamer and the bread in the oven. He found some flour and starch for the vegetables, coated them, and put some grease into the frying pan. After turning the heat on low, he set a timer and pulled another beer from the icebox before heading back to the porch. And while he was doing those things, he thought about Allie and the love that was missing from both their lives.
Allie, too, was thinking. About Noah, about herself, about a lot of things. For a moment she wished she werent engaged but then quickly cursed herself. It wasnt Noah she loved; she loved what they once had been. Besides, it was normal to feel this way. Her first real love, the only man shed ever been with - how could she expect tet him? Yet was it normal for her io twitch whenever he came near? Was it normal to fess things she could ell anyone else? Was it normal to e here three weeks from her wedding day?
"No, its not," she finally whispered to herself as she looked to the evening sky. "Theres nothing normal about any of this."
Noah came out at that moment and she smiled at him, glad hed e back so she didnt have to think about it anymore. "Its going to take a few minutes," he said as he sat back down.
"Thats fine. Im not that hungry yet."
He looked at her then, and she saw the softness in his eyes. "Im glad you came, Allie," he said.
"Me too. I almost didnt, though."
"Why did you e?"
I was pelled, she wao say, but didnt. "Just to see you, to find out what youve been up to. To see how you are."
He wondered if that was all but didnt question further. Instead he ged the subject.
"By the way, Ive been meaning to ask, do you still paint?"
She shook her head. "Not anymore."
He was stunned. "Why not? You have so much talent."
"I dont know "
"Sure you do. You stopped for a reason."
He was right. Shed had a reason." Its a long story."
"Ive got all night," he answered.
"Did you really think I was talented?" she asked quietly.
"," he said, reag for her hand, "I want to show you something."
She got up and followed him through the door to the living room. He stopped in front of the fireplad poio the painting that hung above the mantel. She gasped, surprised she hadnt noticed it earlier, more surprised it was here at all. "You kept it?"
"Of course I kept it. Its wonderful."
She gave him a skeptical look, and he explained. "It makes me feel alive when I look at it. Sometimes I have to get up and touch it. Its just so real - the shapes, the shadows, the colors. I even dream about it sometimes. Its incredible, Allie - I stare at it for hours."
"Youre serious," she said, shocked.
"As serious as Ive ever been."
She didnt say anything.
"You mean to tell me no one has ever told you that before?"
"My professor did," she finally said, "but I guess I didnt believe him."
He khere was more. Allie looked away before tinuing. "Ive been drawing and painting since I was a child. I guess that once I got a little older, I began to think I was good at it. I e, too. I remember w on this painting that summer, adding to it every day, ging it as our relationship ged. I dont even remember how it started or what I wa to be, but somehow it evolved into this. I remember being uo stop painting after I went home that summer. I think it was my way of avoiding the pain I was going through. Anyway, I ended up maj in art in college because it was something I had to do; I remember spending hours iudio all by myself and enjoying every minute. I loved the freedom I felt when I created, the way it made me feel io make somethiiful. Just before I graduated, my professor, who happeo also be the critic for the paper, told me I had a lot of talent. He told me I should try my luck as an artist. But I didnt listen to him."
She stopped there, gatherihoughts. "My parents didnt think it roper for someone like me to paint for a living. I just stopped after a while. I havent touched a brush in years."
She stared at the painting.
"Do you think youll ever paint again?"
"Im not sure if I anymore. Its been a long time."
"You still do it, Allie. I know you . You have a talent that es from inside you, from your heart, not from your fingers. What you have t ever go away. Its what other people only dream about. Youre an artist, Allie."
The words were spoken with such siy that she knew he wasnt saying it just to be nice. He truly believed in her ability, and for some reason that meant more to her than she expected. But something else happehen, something even more powerful.
Why it happened, she never knew, but this was when the chasm began to close for Allie, the chasm she had erected in her life to separate the pain from the pleasure. And she suspected then, maybe not sciously, that there was more to this than even she cared to admit.
But at that moment she still wasnt pletely aware of it, and she turo face him. She reached over and touched his hand, hesitantly, gently, amazed that after all these years hed somehow knowly what shed o hear. When their eyes locked, she once again realized how special he was.
And for just a fleeting moment, a tiny wisp of time that hung in the air like fireflies in summer skies, she wondered if she was in love with him again.
The timer went off i, a small ding, and Noah turned away, breaking the moment, strangely affected by what had just happened between them. Her eyes had spoken to him and whispered something he loo hear, yet he couldnt stop the voiside his head, her voice, that had told him of her love for another man. He silently cursed the timer as he walked to the kit and removed the bread from the oven. He almost burned his fingers, dropped the loaf on the ter, and saw that the frying pan was ready. He added the vegetables and heard them begin to crackle. Then, muttering to himself, he got some butter out of the icebox, spread some on the bread, aed a bit more for the crabs.
Allie had followed him into the kit and cleared her throat. " I get the table ready?"
Noah used the bread knife as a pointer. "Sure, plates are over there. Utensils and napkins there. Make sure you get plenty - crabs be messy, so well need em."
He couldnt look at her as he spoke. He didnt want to realize hed been mistaken about what had just happened between them. He didnt want it to be a mistake.
Allie, too, was w about the moment and feeling warm as she thought of it. The words hed spoken replayed in her head as she found everything she needed for the table: plates, place settings, salt and pepper. Noah handed her the bread as she was finishing the table, and their fiouched briefly.
He turned his attention back to the frying pan and turhe vegetables. He lifted the lid of the steamer, saw the crabs still had a minute, ahem cook some more. He was more posed now auro small talk, easy versation. "Have you ever had crab before?"
"A couple of times. But only in salads."
He laughed. "Then youre in for an adventure. Hold on a sed." He disappeared upstairs for a moment, theurned with a navy blue button-down shirt. He held it open for her.
"Herbbr>藏书网</abbr>e, put this on. I dont want you to stain your dress."
Allie put it on and smelled the fragrahat lingered in the shirt - his smell, distinctive, natural.
"Dont worry," he said, seeing her expression, "its ."
She laughed. "I know. It just reminds me of our first real date. You gave me your jacket that night, remember?"
He nodded. "Yeah, I remember. Fin and Sarah were with us. Fi elbowihe whole way back to your parents house, trying to get me to hold your hand."
"You didnt, though."
"No," he answered, shaking his head.
"Why not?"
"Shy, maybe, or afraid. I dont know. It just didnt seem like the right thing to do at the time."
"e to think of it, you were kind of shy, werent you?"
"I prefer the words quiet fidence," he answered with a wink, and she smiled.
The vegetables and crabs were ready about the same time. "Be careful, theyre hot," he said as he hahem to her, and they sat across from each other at the small wooden table. Then, realizing the tea was still on the ter, Allie stood and brought it over. After putting some vegetables and bread on their plates, Noah added a crab, and Allie sat for a moment, staring at it.
"It looks like a bug."
"A good bug, though," he said. "Here, let me show you how its done."
He demonstrated quickly, making it look easy, removing the meat and putting it on her plate.
Allie crushed the legs too hard the first time and the time after that, and had to use her fio get the shells away from the meat. She felt clumsy at first, w that he saw every mistake, but then she realized her own insecurity. He didnt care about things like that. He never had.
"So, whatever happeo Fin?" she asked. It took a sed for him to answer.
"Fin died in the war. His destroyer was torpedoed in forty-three."
"Im sorry," she said. "I know he was a good friend of yours."
His voice ged, a little deeper now. "He was. I think of him a lot these days. I especially remember the last time I saw him. Id e home to say good-bye before I enlisted, and we ran into each ain. He was a banker here, like his daddy was, and he and I spent a lot of time together over the week. Sometimes I think I talked him into joining. I dont think he would have, except that I was going to."
"Thats not fair," she said, sorry shed brought up the subject.
"Youre right. I just miss him, is all."
"I liked him, too. He made me laugh."
"He was always good at that."
She looked at him slyly. "He had a crush on me, you know."
"I know. He told me about it."
"He did? What did he say?"
Noah shrugged. "The usual for him. That he had to fight you off with a stick. That you chased him stantly, that sort of thing."
She laughed quietly. "Did you believe him?"
"Of course," he answered, "why wouldnt I?"
"You men always stick together," she said as she reached across the table, poking his arm with her finger. She went on. "So, tell me everything youve been up to since I saw you last."
They started to talk then, making up for lost time. Noah talked about leaving New Bern, about w in the shipyard and at the scrap yard in New Jersey. He spoke fondly of Moldman and touched on the war a little, avoiding most of the details, and told her about his father and how much he missed him. Allie talked about going to college, painting, and her hours spent volunteering at the hospital. She talked about her family and friends and the charities she was involved with. her of them brought up anybody they had dated siheyd last seen each other. Even Lon was ignored, and though both of them noticed the omissioher mentio.
Afterward Allie tried to remember the last time she and Lon had talked this way. Although he listened well and they seldued, he was not the type of man to talk like this. Like her father, he wasnt fortable sharing his thoughts and feelings. Shed tried to explain that she o be closer to him, but it had never seemed to make a difference.
But sitting here now, she realized what shed been missing.
The sky grew darker and the moon rose higher as the evening wore on. And without either of them being scious of it, they began taiimacy, the bond of familiarity, they had once shared.
They finished dinner, both pleased with the meal, her talking muow. Noah looked at his watd saw that it was getting late. The stars were out in full, the crickets a little quieter. He had ealking to Allie and wondered if hed talked too much, wondered what shed thought about his life, hoping it would somehow make a difference, if it could.
Noah got up and refilled the teapot. They both brought the dishes to the sink and ed up the table, and he poured two more cups of hot water, adding teabags to both.
"How about the porch again?" he asked, handihe cup, and she agreed, leading the way. He grabbed a quilt for her in case she got cold, and soon they had taken their places again, the quilt over her legs, rockers moving. Noah watched her from the er of his eye. God, shes beautiful, he thought. And inside, he ached.
For something had happened during dinner. Quite simply, he had fallen in love again. He khat now as they sat o one another. Fallen in love with a new Allie, not just her memory. But then, he had never really stopped, and this, he realized, was his destiny.
"Its been quite a night," he said, his voice softer now.
"Yes, it has," she said, "a wonderful night."
Noah turo the stars, their twinkling lights reminding him that she would be leaving soon, and he felt almost empty ihis was a night he wanted o end. How should he tell her? What could he say that would make her stay?
He didnt know. And thus the decision was made to say nothing. And he realized then that he had failed.
The rockers moved in quiet rhythm. Bats again, over the river. Moths kissing the porch light. Somewhere, he khere were people making love.
"Talk to me," she finally said, her voice sensual. Or was his mind playing tricks?
"What should I say?"
"Talk like you did to me uhe oak tree."
And he did, reg distant passages, toasting the night. Whitman and Thomas, because he loved the images. Tennyson and Browning, because their themes felt so familiar.
She rested her head against the back of the rocker, closing her eyes, growing just a bit warmer by the time hed finished. It wasnt just the poems or his voice that did it. It was all of it, the whole greater than the sum of the parts. She didnt try to break it down, didnt want to, because it was to be listeo that oetry, she thought, wasnt written to be analyzed; it was meant to inspire without reason, to touch without uanding.
Because of him, shed goo a few poetry readings offered by the English department while in college. Shed sat and listeo different people, different poems, but had stopped soon after, disced that no one inspired her or seemed as inspired as true lovers of poetry should be.
They rocked for a while, drinking tea, sitting quietly, drifting ihoughts.
The pulsion that had driven her here was gone now - she was glad for this - but she worried about the feelings that had taken its place, the stirrings that had begun to sift and swirl in her pores like gold dust in river pans. Shed tried to deny them, hide from them, but now she realized that she didnt want them to stop. It had been years since shed felt this way.
Lon could not evoke these feelings in her. He never had and probably never would. Maybe that was why she had never been to bed with him. He had tried before, many times, using everything from flowers to guilt, and she had always used the excuse that she wao wait until marriage. He took it well, usually, and she sometimes wondered how hurt he would be if he ever found out about Noah.
But there was something else that made her want to wait, and it had to do with Lon himself. He was driven in his work, and it always anded most of his attention. Work came first, and for him there was no time for poems and wasted evenings and rog on porches. She khis was why he was successful, and part of her respected him for that. But she also se wasnt enough. She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet versations in dlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being sed.
Noah, too, was sifting through his thoughts. To him, the evening would be remembered as one of the most special times he had ever had. As he rocked, he remembered it all iail, then remembered it again. Everything she had done seemed somehow electri, charged.
Now, sitting beside her, he wondered if shed ever dreamed the same things he had in the years theyd been apart. Had she ever dreamed of them holding each ain and kissing in soft moonlight? Or did she go further and dream of their naked bodies, which had bee separate for far too long ...
He looked to the stars and remembered the thousands of empty nights he had spent siheyd last seen each other. Seeing her again brought all those feelings to the surface, and he found it impossible to press them back down. He khen he wao make love tain and to have her love iurn. It was what he needed most in the world.
But he also realized it could never be. Now that she was engaged.
Allie knew by his silehat he was thinking about her and found that she reveled in it. She didnt know what his thoughts were exactly, didnt care really, just khey were about her and that was enough.
She thought about their versation at dinner and wondered about loneliness. For some reason she couldnt picture him reading poetry to someone else or even sharing his dreams with another woman. He didhe type. Either that, or she didnt want to believe it.
She put dowea, then ran her hands through her hair, closing her eyes as she did so.
"Are you tired?" he asked, finally breaking free from his thoughts.
"A little. I should really be going in a couple of minutes."
"I know," he said, nodding, his toral. She did up right away. Instead she picked up the cup and drank the last swallow of tea, feeling it warm her throat.
She took the evening in. Moon higher now, wind irees, temperature dropping.
She looked at Noah . The scar on his face was visible from the side. She wondered if it had happened during the war, then wondered if hed ever been wou all. He hadio and she hadnt asked, mostly because she didnt want to imagine him being hurt.
"I should go," she finally said, handing the quilt ba.
Noah hen stood without a word. He carried the quilt, and the two of them walked to her car while fallen leaves ched beh their feet. She started to take off the shirt hed loaned her as he opehe door, but he stopped her.
"Keep it," he said. "I want you to have it."
She didnt ask why, because she wao keep it, too. She readjusted it and crossed her arms afterward to ward off the chill. For some reason, as she stood there she was reminded of standing on her front porch after a high school dance, waiting for a kiss.
"I had a great time tonight," he said. "Thank you for finding me."
"I did, too," she answered.
He summoned his ce. "Will I see you tomorrow?"
A simple question. She knew what the answer should be, especially if she wao keep her life simple. "I dont think we should," was all she had to say, and it would end right here and now. But for a sed she didnt say anything.
The demon of choice fronted her then, teased her, challenged her. Why couldnt she say it? She didnt know. But as she looked in his eyes to find the answer she needed, she saw the man shed once fallen in love with, and suddenly it all came clear. "Id like that."
Noah was surprised. He hadnt expected her to ahis way. He wao touch her then, to take her in his arms, but he didnt. " you be here about noon?"
"Sure. What do you want to do?"
"Youll see," he answered. "I know just the place to go."
"Have I ever been there before?"
"No, but its a special place."
"Where is it?"
"Its a surprise."
"Will I like it?"
"Youll love it," he said.
She turned away before he could attempt a kiss. She didnt know if he would try but knew for some reason that if he did, she would have a hard time stopping him. She couldnt hahat right now, with everything going through her head. She slid behind the wheel, breathing a sigh of relief. He shut the door for her, and she started the engine. As the car idled, she rolled down the window just a bit.
"See you tomorrow," she said, her eyes refleg the moonlight.
Noah waved as she backed the car out. She tur around, then drove up the lane, heading toward towched the car until the lights vanished behind far-off oak trees and the engine noise was gone.
Clem wandered up to him and he squatted down to pet her, paying special attention to her neck, scratg the spot she couldnt reaymore. After he looked up the road one last time, they returo the back porch side by side.
He sat in the rain, this time alorying once again to fathom the evening that had just passed. Thinking about it. Replaying it. Seeing it again. Hearing it again. Running it by in slow motion. He didnt feel like playing his guitar now, didnt feel like reading. Didnt know what he felt.
"Shes engaged," he finally whispered, and then was silent for hours, his rocker making the only he night was quiet now, with little activity except for Clem, who visited him occasionally, cheg on him as if to ask "Are you all right?"
And sometime after midnight on that clear October evening, it all rushed inward and Noah was overe with longing. And if anyone had seen him, they would have seen what looked like an old man, someone whod aged a lifetime in just a couple of hours. Someo over in his rocker with his fa his hands and tears in his eyes. He didnt know how to stop them.
Phone calls
Lon hung <bdi></bdi>up the phone.
He had called at seven, then at eight-thirty, and now he checked his watch again. Nine forty-five. Where was she?
He knew she was where she had said she would be because he had spoken to the manager earlier. Yes, she had checked in and he had last seen her around six. Going to dinner, he thought. No, he hadnt seen her since.
Lon shook his head and leaned ba his chair. He was the last one in the office, as usual, and everything was quiet. But that was normal with an ongoing trial, even if the trial was going well. Law was his passion, and the late hours alone gave him the opportunity to catch up on his work without interruption.
He knew he would win the case because he mastered the law and charmed the jury. He always did, and losses were infrequent now. Part of it came from being able to select the cases he had the expertise to win. He had reached that level in his practice.
Only a select few iy had that kind of stature, and his earnings reflected that. But the more important part of his success came from hard work. He had alaid attention to details, especially when hed begun his practice. Little things, obscure things, and it had bee a habit now. Whether it was a matter of law or presentation, he was diligent in his study, and it had won him a few cases early in his career when he should have lost.
And now, a little detail bothered him. Not about the case. No, that was fi was something else. Something about Allie. But damn, he couldnt put his finger on it. He was fine when shed left this m. At least he thought he was. But sometime after her call, maybe an hour or so, something clicked in his mind. The little detail.
Detail. Something insignifit? Something important?
Think... think... Damn, what was it? His mind clicked. Something... something.., something said? Something had been said? Yes, that was it. He k. But what was it? Had Allie said anything on the phohat had bee started, and he ran through the versation again. No, nothing out of the ordinary.
But that was it, he was sure now.
What had she said? Her trip was good, she had checked in, had done some shopping. Left her hats about all.
He thought about her then. He loved her, he was sure of that. Not only was she beautiful and charming, but shed bee his source of stability a friend as well. After a hard day at work, she was the first person he would call. She would listen to him, laugh at the right moments, and had a sixth sense about what he o hear.
But more than that, he admired the way shed always spoken her mind. He remembered that after theyd go a few times, hed said to her what he said to all womeed - that he wasnt ready for a steady relationship. Uhe others, though, Allie had simply nodded and said, "Fine." But on her way out the door, shed turned and said: "But your problem isnt me, or your job, or your freedom, or whatever else you think it is. Your problem is that youre alone. Your father made the Hammond name famous, and youve probably been pared to him all your life. Youve never been your own person. A life like that makes you empty inside, and youre looking for someone who will magically fill that void. But no one do that but you."
The words had stayed with him that night and rung true the following m. Hed called again, asked for a sed ce, and after some persistence, shed relutly agreed.
In the four years theyd dated, shed bee everything he ever wanted, and he knew he should spend more time with her. But bbr></abbr>practig law made limiting his hours impossible. Shed always uood, but still, he cursed himself for not making the time. Once he was married, hed shorten his hours, he promised himself. Hed have his secretary check his schedule to make sure he wasnt overextending himself ...
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