Alice in Prague or The Curious Room-1

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    This piece was written in praise of Jan Svankmayer,

    the animator ue, and his film of Alice

    Iy ue, o was winter.

    Outside the curious room, there is a sign on the door which says "Forbidden". Inside, inside, oh, e ahe celebrated DR DEE.

    The celebrated Dr Dee, looking for all the world like Santa Claus on at of his long, white beard and apple cheeks, is plating his crystal, the fearful sphere that tains everything that is, or was, or ever shall be.

    It is a round ball of solid glas<mark>.</mark>s and gives a deceptive impression of weightlessness, because you  see right through it and we falsely assume aioween lightness and transparency, that what the light shihrough ot be there and so must weigh nothing. In fact, the Doctors crystal ball is heavy enough to inflict a substantial injury and the Doctors assistant, Ned Kelly, the Man in the Iron Mask, often weighs the ball in one hand or tosses it bad forth from oo the other hand as he pohe fragility of the hollow bone, his masters skull, as it pores heedless over some tome.

    Ned Kelly would blame the murder on the angels. He would say the angels came out of the sphere. Everybody knows the angels live there.

    The crystal resembles: an aqueous humour, frozen:

    a glass eye, although without any iris or

    pupil -- just the sort of transparent eye, in

    fact, which the adept might strue as apt

    to see the invisible;

    a tear, round, as it forms within the eye, for

    a tear acquires its characteristic shape of a

    pear, what we think of as a &quot;tear&quot; shape, only

    i of falling;

    the shining drop that trembles, sometimes, on the

    tip of the Doctors well-nigh se, tending

    towards the flaccid, yet heless sustainable

    and disible m ere, and

    always reminds him of

    a drop of dew,

    a drop of dew endlessly, tremulously about to fall

    from the unfolded petals of a rose and, therefore,

    like the tear, retaining the perfe of its

    circumferenly by refusing to sustain free fall,

    remaining what it is, because it refuses to bee

    what it might be, the antithesis of metamorphosis;

    a, in old England, far away, the sign of the

    Do Drop Inn will always, that jovial pun, show an

    oblate spheroid, heavily tinselled, because the

    sign-painter, in order to demonstrate the idea of

    &quot;drop&quot;, needs must represent the dew i of

    falling and therefore, for the purposes of this

    parison, not resembling the numinous ball

    weighing down the angelic Doctors outstretched

    palm.

    For Dr Dee, the invisible is only another unexplored try, a brave new world.

    The hinge of the sixteenth tury, where it joins with the seveh tury, is as creaky and judders open as relutly as the door in a haunted house. Through that door, in the distance, we may glimpse the distant light of the Age of Reason, but precio<u></u>us little of that is about to fall ue, the capital of paranoia, where the fortuellers live on Golden Alley in cottages so small, a good-sized doll would find itself cramped, and there is oain house on Alchemists Street that only bees visible during a thick fog. (On sunny days, you see a stone.) But, even in the fog, only those born on the Sabbath  see the house anyway.

    Like a lamp guttering out in a retly vacated room, the Renaissance flared, faded ainguished itself. The world had suddenly revealed itself as bewilderingly infinite, but sihe imagination remained, for after all it is only human, finite, our imaginations took some time to catch up. If Francis Ba will die in 1626 a martyr to experimental sce, having tracted a chill whilst stuffing a dead hen with snow on Highgate Hill to see if th<s>??</s>at would keep it fresh, in Prague, where Dr Faustus once lodged in Charles Square, Dr Dee, the English expatriate alchemist, awaits the maion of the angel in the Archduke Rudolphs curious room, and we are still fumbling our way towards the end of the previous tury.

    The Archduke Rudolph keeps his priceless colle of treasures in this curious room; he he Doongst these treasures and is therefore forced to he Doctors assistant, the unspeakable and iron-visaged Kelly, too.

    The Archduke Rudolph has crazy eyes. These eyes are the mirrors of his soul.

    It is very cold this afternoon, the kind of weather that makes a person piss. The moon is up already, a moon the colour of dlewax and, as the sky discolours when the night ies on, the moon grows more white, more cold, white as the source of all the cold in the world, until, when the winter moon reaches its chill meridian, everything will freeze -- not only the water in the jug and the ink in the well, but the blood in the vein, the aqueous humour.

    Metamorphosis.

    In their higgledy-piggledy disorder, the twigs on the bare trees outside the thick window resemble those random scratgs made by ohat you only see when you lift your wineglass up to the light. A hard frost has crisped the surface of the deep snow on the Archdukes tumbled roofs and turrets. In the snow, a raven: caw!

    Dr Dee knows the language of birds and sometimes speaks it, but what the birds say is frequently banal; all the raven said, over and over, was: &quot;Poor Toms a-cold!&quot;

    Above the Doctors head, slung from the low-beamed ceiling, dangles a flying turtle, stuffed. In the dim room we  make out, amongst much else, the random juxtaposition of an umbrella, a sewing mae and a disseg table; a raven and a writing desk; an aged mermaid, poor wizened creature, cramped in a foetal position in ajar, her ream of grey hair suspended adrift in the viscous liquid that preserves her, her features rendered greenish and somewhat distorted by the flaws in the glass.

    Dr Dee would like, for a mate to this mermaid, to keep in a cage, if alive, or, if dead, in a stoppered bottle, an angel.

    It was an age in love with wonders.

    Dr Dees assistant, Ned Kelly, the Man in the Iron Mask, is also looking fels. He is gazing at the sheeny, reflective s of his sg disc which is made of polished coal. The angels visit him more frequently than they do the Doctor, but, for some reason, Dr Dee ot see Kellys guests, although they crowd the surface of the sg disc, g out in their high, pierg voices in the species of bird-creole with which they unicate. It is a great sado him.

    Kelly, however, is phenomenally gifted in this dire and notes down on a pad the intonations of their speech which, though he doesnt uand it himself, the Doctor excitedly makes sense of.

    But, today, no go.

    Kelly yawns. He stretches. He feels the pressure of the weather on his bladder.

    The privy at the top of the tower is a hole in the floor behind a cupboard door. It is situated above another privy, with another hole, above another privy, another hole, and so on, down seven further privies, seven more holes, until your excreta at last hurtles into the cesspit far below. The cold keeps the smell down, thank God.

    Dr Dee, ever the seeker after knowledge, has calculated the velocity of a flying turd.

    Although a man could hang himself in the privy with ease and fort, seg the rope about the beam above and laung himself into the void to let gravity break his neck for him, Kelly, whether at stool or making water, never allows the privy to remind him of the &quot;long drop&quot; nor even, however briefly, admires his own instrument for fear the phrase &quot;well-hung&quot; recalls the noose which he narrowly escaped in his native England for fraud, once, in Lancaster; for fery, once, in Rutlandshire; and for perf a fideri Ashby-de-la-Zouch.

    But his ears were cropped for him in the pillory at Walton-le-Dale, after he dug up a corpse from a churchyard for purposes of neancy, or possibly of grave-robbing, and this is why, in order to ceal this amputation, he always wears the iron mask modelled after that which will be worn by a namesake three hundred years hen a try that does not yet exist, an iron mask like an upturned bucket with a slit cut for his eyes.

    Kelly, unbuttoning, wonders if his piss will freeze i of falling; if, today, it is cold enough in Prague to let him piss an arc of ice.

    No.

    He buttons up again.

    Women loathe this privy. Happily, few venture here, into the magis tower, where the Archduke Rudolph keeps his colle of wonders, his proto-museum, his &quot;Wunderkammer&quot;, his &quot;et de curiosites&quot;, that curious room of which we speak.

    Theres a theory, one I find persuasive, that the quest for knowledge is, at bottom, the search for the ao the question: &quot;Where was I before I was born?&quot;

    In the beginning was. . . what?

    Perhaps, in the beginning, there was a curious room, a room like this one, crammed with wonders; and now the room and all it tains are forbidden you, although it was made just for you, had been prepared for you siime began, and you will spend all your life trying to remember it.

    Kelly oook the Archduke aside and offered him, at a price, a little piece of the beginning, a slice of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil itself, which Kelly claimed he had obtained from an Armenian, who had found it on Mount Ararat, growing in the shadows of the wreck of the Ark. The slice had dried out with time and looked very much like a dehydrated ear.

    The Archduke soon decided it was a fake, that Kelly had been fooled. The Archduke is not gullible. Rather, he has a boundless desire to know everything and an exceptional generosity of belief. At night, he stan藏书网ds on top of the tower and watches the stars in the pany of Tycho Brahe and Johann Kepler, yet by day, he makes no move nor judgement before he sults the astrologers in their zodiacal hats a, in those days, either an astrologer or an astronomer would be hard put to it to describe the differeween their disciplines.

    He is not gullible. But he has his peculiarities.

    The Archduke keeps a lion ed up in his bedroom as a species of watch-dog or, sihe lion is a member of the Felis family and not a member of the Cave em family, a giant guard-cat. For fear of the lions yellow teeth, the Archduke had them pulled. Now that the poor beast ot chew, he must subsist on slop. The lion lies with his head on his paws, dreaming. If you could open up his brain this moment, you would find nothing there but the image of a beefsteak.

    Meanwhile, the Archduke, in the curtained privacy of his bed, embraces something, God knows what.

    Whatever it is, he does it with suergy that the bell hanging over the bed bees agitated due to the jolting and rhythmic lurg of the bed, and the clapper jangles against the sides.

    Ting-a-ling!

    The bell is cast out of electrum magicum. Paracelsus said that a bell cast out of electrum magicum would summon up the spirits. If a rat gnaws the Archdukes toe during the night, his involuntary start will agitate the bell immediately so the spirits  e and chase the rat away, for the lion, although sui generis a cat, is not suffitly a cat in spirit to perform the domestis of a ouser, not like the little calico beastie who keeps the good Doctor pany and often, out of pure affe, brings him furry tributes of those she has slain.

    Though the bell rings, softly at first, and then with increasing fury as the Archduke nears the end of his journey, no spirits e. But there have been no rats either.

    A split fig falls out of the bed on to the marble floor with a soft, exhausted plop, followed by a hand of bananas, that spread out and go limp, as if in submission.

    &quot;Why t he make do with meat, like other people,&quot; whihe hungry lion.

    the Archduke be effeg intercourse with a fruit salad?

    Or with Carmen Mirandas hat?

    Worse.

    The hand of bananas indicates the Archdukes enthusiasm for the newly discovered Americas. Oh, brave new world! There is a street in Prague called &quot;New World&quot; (Novy Svei). The hand of bananas is freshly arrived from Bermuda via his Spanish kin,bbr>..</abbr> who know what he likes. He has a particular enthusiasm for weird plants, and every week es to verse with his mandrakes, those warty, shaggy roots that ihe Archduke shudders pleasurably to think about it) in the sperm and water spilled by a hanged man.

    The mandrakes live at ease in a special et. It falls to Ned Kellys relut duty to bathe each of these roots once a week in milk and dress them up in fresh linen nightgowns. Kelly, relutly, sihe roots, warts and all, resemble so many virile members, and he does not like to hahem, imagining they raucously mock his manhood as he tends them, believing they unman him.

    The Archdukes colle also boasts some magnifit spes of the coco-de-mer, or double ut, which grows in the shape, but exactly the shape, of the pelvic area of a woman, a foot long, heft and clefted, I kid you not. The Archduke and his gardeners plan to effect a vegetable marriage and will raise the progeny -- man-de-mer or coco-drake -- in his own greenhouses. (The Archduke himself is a firmed bachelor.)

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