On the Steps of the Conservatory

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    --  Hilda dont fret.

    -- Well Maggie its a blow.

    -- Do bother you, do get you down.

    -- Ohought they were going to admit me to the servatory but now I know they will never admit me to the servatory.

    -- Yes they are very particular about who they admit to the servatory. They will never admit you to the servatory.

    -- They will never admit me to the servatory, I know that now.

    -- You are not servatory material Im afraid. Thats the plain truth of it.

    -- Youre not important, they told me, just remember that, youre not important, whats so important about you? What?

    --  Hilda dont fret.

    -- Well Maggie its a blow.

    -- When are you going to ge yourself, ge yourself into a loaf or a fish?

    -- Christian imagery is taught at the servatory, also Islamic imagery and the imagery of Public Safety.

    -- Red, yellow, and green circles.

    -- Wheold me I got between the poles of my rickshaw and trotted heavily away.

    -- The great black ironwork doors of the servatory barred to you forever.

    -- Trotted heavily away in the dire of my house. My small, poor house.

    --  Hilda dont fret.

    -- Yes, I am still trying to get into the servatory, although my ces are probably worse than ever.

    -- They dont regnant women in the servatory.

    -- I didhem, I lied about it.

    -- Didnt they ask you?

    -- No they fot to ask me and I didhem.

    -- Well then its hardly on that at that --

    -- I felt they knew.

    -- The servatory is hostile to the new spirit, the new spirit is not liked there.

    -- Well Maggie its, a blow heless. I had to go bay house.

    -- Where although you eain the foremost artists and intellectuals of your time you grressively more despo and depressed.

    -- Yes he was a frightful lawyer.

    -- Lover?

    -- That tohtful. He said he could not get me into the servatory because of my unimportance.

    -- Was there a fee?

    -- Theres always a fee. Pounds and pounds.

    -- I stood oerrace at the rear of the servatory and studied the flagstones reddened with the lifebloods of geions of servatory students. Standing there I reflected: Hilda will never be admitted to the servatory.

    -- I read the servatory Circular and my name was not among those listed.

    -- Well I suppose it was in part your espousal of the new spirit that ted against you.

    -- I will never abjure the new spirit.

    -- And youre a veteran too, I should have thought that would have weighed in your favor.

    -- Well Maggie its a disappoi, I must admit that frankly.

    --  Hilda dont weep and tear your hair here where they  see you.

    -- Are they looking out of the windows?

    -- Probably theyre looking out of the windows.

    -- Its said that they import a cook, o days.

    -- They have naked models too.

    -- Do you really think so? Im not surprised.

    -- The best students get their dinners sent up on trays.

    -- Do you really think so? Im not surprised.

    -- Grain salads and large portions of choice meats.

    -- Oh it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

    -- Bread with drippings, and o days cake.

    -- Im as gifted as they are, Im as gifted as some of them.

    -- Deade by a ittee of ghosts. They drop black beans or white beans into a pot.

    -- Ohought I was to be admitted. There were enciers.

    -- Youre not servatory material Im afraid. Only the best material is servatory material.

    -- Im as good as some of those who rest now in the soft servatory beds.

    -- Merit is always sidered closely.

    -- I could smile back at the smiling faces of the swift, dangerous teachers.

    -- Yes, we have naked models. No, the naked models are ionally meaningful to us.

    -- I could work with clay or paste things together.

    -- Yes, sometimes we paste things on the naked models -- clothes, mostly. Yes, sometimes we play our servatory violins, cellos, trumpets for the naked models, or sing to them, or correct their speech, as our deft fingers fly over the sketch pads. . .

    -- I could I suppose fill out another application, or several.

    -- Yes, you have siderable of a belly on you now. I remember when it was flat, flat as a book.

    -- I will die if I do into the servatory, die.

    -- Naw you wont youre just saying that.

    -- I will pletely croak if I do into the servatory, I promise you.

    -- Things are not so bad, you  always do something else, I dont know what,  Hilda be reasonable.

    -- My whole life depends on it.

    -- Oh God I remember when it was flat. Didear things up, though? I remember running around that town, and hiding in dark places, that was a great town and Im sorry we left it.

    -- Now we are grown, groroper.

    -- Well, I misled you. The naked models are emotionally meaningful to us.

    -- They are?

    -- We love them and sleep with them all the time -- before breakfast, after breakfast, during breakfast.

    -- Why thats all right!

    -- Why thats rather !

    -- I like that!

    -- Thats not so bad!

    -- I wish you hadnt told me that.

    --  Hilda dont be so single-mihere are lots of other things you  do if you want.

    -- I guess they operate on some kind of principle of exclusivity. Keeping some people out wh<q>?</q>ile letting other people in.

    -- We got a Coushatta Indian in there, real full-blooded Coushatta Indibbr>９9ｌｉb?</abbr>an.

    -- In there?

    -- Yes. He does hanging walls out of scraps of fabrid twigs, very beautiful, and he does sand paintings and plays on whistles of various kinds, sometimes he ts, and he bangs on a drum, works in silver, and hes also a weaver, aranslates things from Coushatta into English and from English into Coushatta and hes also a crack shot and  bulldog steers and catch catfish on trotlines and ride barebad make medie out of on ingredients, aspirin mostly, and he sings and hes also an actor. Hes very talented.

    -- My whole life<bdo></bdo> depends on it.

    -- Listen Hilda maybe you could be an Associate. We have this deal whereby you pay twelve bucks a year and that makes you an Associate. You get the Circular and have all the privileges of an Associate.

    -- What are they?

    -- You get the Circular.

    -- Thats all?

    -- Well I guess youre right.

    -- Im just going to sit here Im not going to go away.

    -- Your distress is poignant to me.

    -- Ill have the baby right here right on these steps.

    -- Well maybe therell be good news one of these days.

    -- I feel like a dead person sitting in a chair.

    -- Youre still pretty and attractive.

    -- Thats good to hear Im pleased you think that.

    -- And warm youre warm youre very warm.

    -- Yes I have a warm nature very warm.

    -- Werent you in the Peace Corps also years ago?

    -- I was and drove ambulaoo down in Nicaragua.

    -- The servatory life is just as hal as you imagi -- precisely so.

    -- I guess Ill just have to go bay house and  up, take out the papers and the trash.

    -- I guess that kidll be born one of these days, right?

    -- ti<u>..</u>nue w on my études no matter what they say.

    -- Thats admirable I think.

    -- The thing is not to let your spirit be quered.

    -- I guess that kidll be born after a while, right?

    -- I guess so. Those boogers are really gonna keep me out of there, you know that?

    -- Their minds are inflexible and rigid.

    -- Probably because Im a ponant woman dont you think?

    -- You said you didhem.

    -- But maybe theyre very shrewd psychologists and they could just look at my fad tell.

    -- No it doesnt show yet how many months are you?

    -- Two and a half just about you  tell when I take my clothes off.

    -- You didnt take your clothes off did you?

    -- No I was wearing you know what the students wear. Jeans and a sarape. I carried a green book bag.

    -- Jam-packed with études.

    -- Yes. He asked where I had gotten my previous training and I told him.

    -- Oh boy I remember when it was flat, flat as the deck of something, a boat or a ship.

    -- Youre not important, they told me.

    -- Oh sweetie I am so sorry for you.

    -- We parted then I walking through the geous servatory light into the foyer and then through the great black ironwork servatory doors.

    -- I was a fa the other side of the glass.

    -- My aspect as I departed most dignified and serene.

    -- Time heals everything.

    -- No it doesnt.

    -- Cut lip fat lip puffed lip split lip.

    -- Haw! haw! haw! haw!

    -- Well Hilda there are other things in life.

    -- Yes Maggie I suppose there are. hat I want.

    -- Non-servatory people have their own lives. We servatory people dont have much to do with them but we are told they have their own lives.

    -- I suppose I could file an appeal if theres ao file an appeal to. If theres anywhere.

    -- Thats an idea we get stacks of appeals, stacks and stacks.

    -- I  wait all night. Here oeps.

    -- Ill sit with you. Ill help you formulate the words.

    -- Are they looking out of the windows?

    -- Yes I think so. What do you want to say?

    -- I want to say my whole life depends on it. Something like that.

    -- Its against the rules for servatory people to help non-servatory people you know that.

    -- Well Goddammit I thought you were going to help me.

    -- Okay. Ill help you. What do you want to say?

    -- I want to say my whole life depends on it. Something like that.

    -- We got man naked models and woman naked models, harps, giant potted plants, and drapes. There are hierarchies, some people higher up and others lower down. These mingle, in the geous light. We have lots of fun. Theres lots of green furniture you know with paint on it. Wreen paint. Gilt lines one-quarter inch from the edges. Wilt lines.

    -- And probably flambeaux in little niches in the walls, right?

    -- Yeah we got flambeaux. Whos the father?

    -- Guy named Robert.

    -- Did you have a good time?

    -- The affair ran the usual course. Fever, boredom, trapped.

    -- Hot, rinse, spin dry.

    -- Is it wonderful in there Maggie?

    -- I have to say it is. Yes. It is.

    -- Do you feel great, being there? Do you feel wonderful?

    -- Yes, it feels pretty good. Very often there is, uporay, a rose.

    -- I will never be admitted to the servatory.

    -- You will never be admitted to the servatory.

    -- How do I look?

    -- Okay. Not bad. Fine.

    -- I will never get there. How do I look?

    -- Fine. Great. Time heals everything Hilda.

    -- No it doesnt.

    -- Time heals everything.

    -- No it doesnt. How do I look?

    -- Moot.

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