On our street。。。

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    On our street, fourteen garbage s are now missing. The garbage s from Oeen and One een disappeared last night. This is not a serious matter, but oher hand we t sit up all night watg over arbage s. It is probably best described as an annoyance. Owelve, Owenty-two and Ohi?9９lib?y-one have bought new plastic garbage s at Barneys Hardware to replace those missing. We are thus down eleven garbage s, . Many people are using large dark plastic garbage bags. The new stru at the hospital at the end of the block has displaced a number of rats. Rats are not much bothered by plastic garbage bags. In fact, if I were ordered to imagine what might most profitably be ied by a ittee of rats, it would be the plastic garbage bag. The rats run up and down our street all night long.

    If I were ordered to imagine who is stealing arbage s, I could not. I very much doubt that my wife is doing it. Some of the garbage s on our street are battered metal, others are heavy green plastic. Heavy green plastic or heavy black plastic predominates. Some of the garbage s have the numbers of the houses they belong to painted on their sides or lids, with white paint. Usually by someoh only the crudest sense of the art of lettering. One een, which has among its tenants a gifted ercial artist, is an exception. No one excessively famous lives on our street, to my knowledge, therefore the morbid attention that the garbage of the famous sometimes attracts would not be a factor. The Prect says that no other street within the prect has reported similar problems.

    If my wife is stealing the garbage s, in the night, while I am drunk and asleep, what is she doing with them? They are not in the cellar, Ive looked (although I dont like going down to the cellar, even to replace a blown fuse, because of the rats). My wife has a yellow Pontiavertible. No one has these anymore but I  imagine her lifting garbage s into the back seat of the yellow Pontiavertible, at two oclo the m, when I am dreaming of being on stage, dreaming of having to perform a drum certo with only one drumstick. . .

    On our street, twenty-one garbage s are now missing. New infamies have been announced by Ohirty-ohrough One Forty-three -- seven in a row, and on the same side of the street. Also, depredations at One Sixteen and One Sixty-four. ut out dozens of s of D- but the rats ighem. Why should they go for the D- when they  have the remnants of Ellen Busses Boeuf Rossini, for which she is known for six blocks in every dire? We eat well, on this street, theres no denying it. Except for the nursing students at One Fifty-eight, and why should they eat well, theyre students, are they not? My wife cooks soft-shell crabs, in season, breaded, dusted with tasty ne, deep-fried. Barneys Hardware has run out of garbage s and will not get another shipment until July. Any new garbage s will have to be purchased at Budget Hardware, far, far away on Sed Street.

    Petulia, at  Care ers, asks why my wife has been ag so peculiar lately. "Peculiar?" I say. "In what way do you mean?" Dr. Maugham, who lives at One Forty-four where he also has his office, has formed a ittee. Mr. Wilkens, from One een, Pally Wimber, from Owenty-nine, and my wife are on the ittee. The ittee meets at night, while I sleep, dreaming, my turn iting order has e up and I stand at the plate, batless. . .

    There are sixty-two houses on our street, four-story brownstones for the most part. Fifty-twe s are now missing. Rats riding upon the backs of other rats gallop up and down our street, at night. The ittee is uo decide whether to call itself the  ittee or the Rat ittee. The City has sent an ior who stood marveling, at midnight, at the activity on our street. He is filing a report. He urges that the remaining garbage s be filled with large stones. My wife has appointed me a subittee of the larger ittee with the task of finding large stones. Is there a peculiar look on her face as she makes the appoi? Dr. Maugham has bought a shotgun, a twelve-gauge over-and-under. Mr. Wilkins has bought a Chase bow and two dozen hunting arrows. I have bought a flute and an instru book.

    If I were ordered to imagine who is stealing arbage s, the Louis Escher family might spring to mind, not as culprits but as proximate cause. The Louis Escher family has a large ine and a small apartment, iwenty-ohe Louis Escher family is given to acquiring things, and given the size of the Louis Escher apartment, must dispose of old things in order to aodate<mark></mark> hings. Sometimes the old things disposed of by the Louis Escher family are scarcely two weeks old. Therefore, the garbage at Owenty-one is closely followed in the neighborhood, in the sehat the sales and bargains listed in the neers are closely followed. The ittee, which feels that the garbage of the Louis Escher family may be misrepresenting the neighborhood to the criminal unity, made a partial list of the items disposed of by the Louis Escher family during the week of August eighth: one mortar &amp; pestle, majolica ware; one English cream maker (cream is made by mixing unsalted sweet butter and milk); o greehenware geranium leaf plates; one fruit ripener designed by stists at the Uy of California, plexiglass; one nylon umbrella tent with aluminum poles; one bination fountain pen and clock with LED readout; one mini hole-puncher-and-fetti-maker; one pistol-grip spring-loaded flyswatter; one cast-iron tortilla press; one ivory bah elephant-hair at; and much, much more. But while I do not doubt that the excesses of the Louis Escher family are misrepresenting the neighborhood to the criminal unity, I  myself to support even a resolution of sure, sihe excesses of the Louis Escher family have given us much to talk about and not a few sets of greehenware geranium leaf plates over the years.

    I reported to my wife that large stones were hard to e by iy. &quot;Stones,&quot; she said. &quot;Large stones.&quot; I purchased two hundred pounds of Sakrete at Barneys Hardware, to make stones with. One need only add water and stir, and you have made a stone as heavy and brutish as a stone made by God himself. I am temporarily busy, in the basement, shaping Sakrete to resemble this, that and the other, but mostly stones -- a good-looking stone is not the easiest of achievements. Ritchie Beck, the little boy from Oen who is always alone on the sidewalk during the day, smiling at strangers, helps me. I once bought him a copy of Meix Illustrated, which I myself read avidly as a boy. Harold, who owns  Care ers and also owns a a, has offered to fly over our street at night and drop bombs made of lethal dry-ing fluid os. There is a el down the Hudson he  take (so long as he stays under eleven hundred feet), a quick left turn, the bombing run, then a dash back up the Hudson. They will pull his ticket if hes caught, he says, but at that hour of the night. . . I show my wife the ones. &quot;I dont like them,&quot; she says. &quot;They dont look like real stones.&quot; She is n, they look, in fact, like badly-thrown pots, as if they had been done by a potter with no thumbs. The ittee, which has self the Special Provisional Unnecessary Rat Team (SPURT), has acquired armbands and white steel helmets and is discussing a secret grip by which its members will identify themselves to each other.

    There are now ne s on our street -- ne s left to steal. A ittee of rats has joined with the Special Provisional ittee in order to deal with the situation, which, the rats have made known, is attrag unwele rat elements from other are<tt>..t>as of the city. Members of the two ittees exge secret grips. My wife drives groups of rats here and there in her yellow Pontiavertible, attending importaings. The crisis, she says, will be a long one. She has never been happier.

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