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《Stellos》


 第一章：父亲们是真正的英雄

中文翻译由B站@风晓星落 投稿，十分感谢！
“我有一个非同寻常的父亲。当我还是一个小女孩的时候，我并没有像正常的女孩子一样抱着洋娃娃玩过家家或者看公主电影，而是会和父亲一起看《神秘博士》或者《星际迷航》。我的父亲是一名工程师，他一直以来都梦想着在星海中畅游，欣赏宇宙的宏美。对我来说，父亲更像是汤姆?贝克一样的存在。（汤姆?贝克曾出演神秘博士）
他有些古怪，但又富有精力，遇到困难时也都一笑置之。每逢盛夏，我都会和他坐在一起，听他给我讲述不同的星座、不同的天体。还记得当第一张黑洞的图像公布于世时，他大声赞叹着人类取得的成就。黑洞能在数光年外被观测这一纯粹的事实确实是难以置信的。伴随着这些瞬间，我将他铭记于心。他是一位梦想家，一位英雄，一个追求居住在群星之间的人。”
掌声雷动，就连国际太空委员会的主任都被我的发言所感动。但是我在此刻丝毫无法感到骄傲。这不是一个应当高兴或者抱有任何情感的时刻。在这样的日子里，就连天上的星星似乎都变得更加暗淡了。就连最后一点欢欣仿佛都被黑暗所吞噬。
一个16岁的女孩该如何面对父亲的死亡？葬礼上没有人是来关怀我的。那些人只为自己的面子而来。我的父亲为了他们做了那么多事情，他付出了那么多心血和汗水，但那些人甚至都懒得检查太空舱的安全性。一个混蛋忽略了一条破裂的输油管，然后你看看都发生了什么样的惨剧。这是继挑战者号后发生的最大的故障事件，16个在太空船上的鲜活生命就这样逝去，16个父亲母亲永远无法再见到自己的子女。交给他们的任务很简单，仅仅是绕地飞行并返回而已。但我从未想过他再也无法回来了。我本梦想着再见到父亲，并像拥抱英雄一样拥抱他，祝贺他终于实现了自己的梦想。
但有时候生活总与梦想相悖。当我把国旗从台上铺到他的棺材上时，仿佛这期间的每一秒都凝刻着记忆：他在我受伤时过来帮我处理的回忆，他在漫展与 David Tennant吵架的回忆。（显然是因为Tennant叫Baker去（省略粗鄙之语））而这些记忆就是我仅存的宝物了。
我找到了座位并坐了下去，开始听其他人上台讲和我所讲的一模一样的话。“Joseph Vanders是一位伟大的父亲…”之类之类的。那些人根本不了解我父亲。我父亲总是对我说，地球就像蓝宝石一样。这颗蓝色的星球像宝石一样闪耀。但现在，我眼前所见只有准备入土的棕色涂漆棺材。
这些流程都结束了之后，主任带着他尖锐的黑眼睛与像鬼一样惨白的面庞向我走来。戴着方框眼睛，穿着黑色西服，他看起来总是那么病态。
“艾莉西亚”，他用一潭死水一般的语气对我说，“我要向你表达我沉痛的慰问和深切的哀悼。你的父亲是一位完美的工程师，如果没有他，我们的工程根本不会有任何进展。”
“谢谢。”我回复到。我知道这些都是狗屁不是的套话。我的父亲总是告诉我，主任除了结果不关心任何事。而且我也知道他为了加快工程进度而向下级施加压力。我很想上去暴打他一顿。我想让他像感受地狱之火一样焚烧他。但是我不能这样做。我既不能拒绝他的慰问，也不能置他于不理。这会使我父亲蒙羞，而且我根本不会在众人面前丢脸。因此我必须表现出悲痛，而不是对他的愤怒。
主任仅仅看了我一秒，然后就在他的大衣中翻找。随后他拿出了一个白色的信封，背面装饰着华丽的金色叶子和蓝色封蜡。
“你的父亲，”他看上去非常滑稽地对我说，“希望我在你从普勒斯顿毕业的时候把这个交给你。现在这个状况，我想还是最好现在就交给你吧。你想什么时候打开都可以。我必须忙别的去了，祝你好运。”
我拿着信封，注视着他以麻木的步伐离去。我能感觉到他四散在外的漠不关心。这个人并不是来献上他的敬意的。他就是一个无情的混蛋，而他只是在履行不得不履行的任务而已。对他来说我们只是工具而已。他就是虫子之中的上帝。我们不配占用他的时间，不值得他的同情。但是说实话，我根本不在乎，或者说，谁又需要这样一位神呢？
当我还在沉思着关于神的议论时，一只手放到了我的肩膀上。我回过头去，那是一个结实的男人，肩膀很宽，留着杂乱的络腮胡，以及一副八字胡；留着一头橘红色的头发，脸上划过一条长长的伤疤。他身着军装，胸前闪耀着的奖章与周遭阴冷的气氛格格不入。对于某些人来说他是令人闻风丧胆、相貌可怖的宇航员“红胡子”，但是对于我来说他只是我的巴洛叔叔。平时他总是一位乐观积极的人。他是一个嗓门大到直接能传上天堂、心胸极为宽广的人。巴洛叔叔是我爸爸最好的朋友。我父亲总是说他们两个形影不离。他总是咧嘴笑着，成为最黑暗的日子中耀眼的光芒。但是就像连光也无法逃离黑洞的引力一样，今天的他看上去貌似一切对他来说都糟透了，仿佛只有悲伤萦绕在他周围。
“艾莉西亚，”他用空洞的声音对我说，“是时候让他安息了。”
我回望巴洛叔叔，他明显在强撑着，努力表现出坚强的一面。但是就连我都能看出来他和我一样憔悴。在他的眼神中，我看到了隐藏在结实的外表下的、破碎的心灵，在里面哀声哭泣着。
他们把棺材带到教堂外。巴洛叔叔和父亲的其他同事一样都是送葬者。乌云密布，天空阴暗，就好像有人专门为了这一天关掉了灯一样。牧师过来为父亲做最后的灵事，此时巴洛叔叔站到了我身边。在他们放下棺材时，我不由得感到战栗。仿佛这棺材是放置在我心灵上一样。压力不断地汇聚在我身上，终于，我感到有什么从我脸颊上滚落。
“雨下的不小啊，不是么？”巴洛叔叔问我。
“并没有在下雨。”我一边回复一边抬头，眼泪同样从他的脸颊上滚落。他单膝蹲下并用手帕擦了擦我的眼泪。
“不，在下雨。”他一边回答，一边向下拉了拉帽子。在他拿着手帕的时候，我凝视着亮晶晶落下的水滴，浸入土地，沾湿衣物，留下一个个阴暗的圆圈，不断扩散，直到整个衣服比天空还要暗。
“看吧？你的周围全是雨。”
我竭尽全力地抱紧他，两人嚎啕大哭。每一滴眼泪都灌注了我想传达给父亲的话语。每一秒我抱紧巴洛叔叔都在希望怀里的人是我的父亲。但是父亲已离我而去，我徒留在原地，无能为力。
葬礼结束后我跟巴洛叔叔上了车，回到了父亲的家。巴洛叔叔坚持我应该把房子卖掉来跟他一起住，但是我无法割舍这个地方。我在这个公寓中长大。对于我来说，这就是一切，是我的tardis（英国科幻电视剧《神秘博士》及其相关作品中的一个虚构时间机器和航天器），是我的游乐园，是一位伟大的人将小女孩抚养长大的地方。我出生的时候母亲就去世了，因此我的父亲一直独自抚养我。他会告诉我母亲的死不是我的错，而一些最闪亮的星星就是从其他星星的残骸中诞生的。他会叫我他的恒星，因为他的生活都围绕着我公转。当我再回到客厅时，一切都变得没有生气。白色的墙砖似乎失去了光泽，黑色大理石台面也似乎不再闪光，白色的家具看上去就好像它们不存在于此一样。一切都变得不对劲了。
“要来点咖啡吗，艾莉西亚？”
我转向正在取杯子的巴洛叔叔，仅仅回复了一个字：好。
他把咖啡豆放到咖啡机里，做好了咖啡。我能闻出来属于我的那一份：奶油与糖的香气，外加榛子和肉桂。这是我父亲做给我的配方，巴洛叔叔也知道这就是我喜欢的口味。我喜欢巴洛叔叔，但是此时就感觉他好像是在努力代替我的父亲一样。虽然我并没有生他的气，但是我希望他不要这样做。巴洛叔叔已经有一个妻子和一个10岁的孩子（孩子生病了，因此母亲和孩子没来参加葬礼）。我坐到了沙发上，巴洛叔叔把咖啡递给了我。肉桂的香气让我逐渐放松。在我啜饮的时候，怀念之情向我汹涌袭来。我仿佛能看到父亲为了早餐在灶台前忙手忙脚的身影。当我将杯子从嘴唇上移开时，我能感受到巴洛叔叔在注视着我。
“我们真的需要谈一谈，艾莉西亚。”
“关于什么？”
“关于你和你的现况。我知道你的父亲给你留下了一大笔钱和他的抚恤金，但是我不认为你留在这里一个人住是明智之举。我知道遗嘱没有指定监护人并且声明你已经有自主能力了，但是不管这些，继续住在这个地方会毁掉你的生活。就过来跟我一起住吧，黛比和我有一个空房间，并且我也乐意看到你受到照顾。就听一下我的话吧。”
我瞪着他恳求的眼睛。那个时候，我本能有很多话可说，很多事可做，但我最终只挤出了两个字。
“出去。”
“求求你了，艾莉西亚，这样不会让你成长的。”
“巴洛叔叔，我已经在很多场合明确过我的决定了。这个地方对于我来说意味着很多，我也无法割舍这个回忆之地。你和我都知道我会好好照顾自己的。我的父亲教会了我独立，并且留下了能让我赖以独自生活的工具。巴洛叔叔，我爱你，但是说实话你并没有理解到重点。他确实可能是你最好的朋友，但是他却既是我的父亲，也是我的母亲，同时也是我最好的朋友。所以就请离开吧！”
巴洛叔叔从座位上起身，悄然离开。留下的只有空空如也的房子，一个小女孩，和肉桂与咖啡的香气。
Chapter 1:  Fathers are the true heroes
“My father was a very unconventional one. As a little girl I didn’t play with doll-houses or watch princess movies. Instead we would always watch shows like Dr. Who or Star Trek.  My father was an engineer and he always dreamed of going to the stars, seeing the universe in its absolute beauty. To me my father was a lot like Tom Baker. Eccentric, dashing, always laughing when trouble was staring at him through the barrel of a gun. In the summer we would always sit together and he would always tell me about the different constellations, the different celestial bodies. I remember when the first image of a black hole came out, he was bellowing on mans achievements. The sheer fact that a black hole can be observed light years away was incredible. We as humans had progressed so far. And it with these moments I’d like to remember him for who he was. A dreamer, a hero and a man who longed to live among the stars.”
Everyone started to clap, even the director of the international space commission was moved at the words I've said. But I didn’t feel proud of myself at this moment. This wasn’t a time to be happy or to feel anything. The stars became less bright today and all I can feel was a blackness swallow what little joy I had left to offer. How was a 16 year old girl to cope with the death of her father? Everyone here didn’t care about me they only came not to lose face. After everything he did, after all the blood and sweat that he poured onto the floor, they didn’t even bother checking if the craft was safe. One asshole missed a ruptured fuel line and look what happened. One of the largest malfunctions to occur since the Challenger. 16 people were on that ship. 16 mothers and fathers who will never see their kids. The mission was simple. Just orbit then return. I didn’t think he wasn’t going to  come back. I thought I was going to  be able to see my dad and hug him as a hero, as a dreamer who lived his dream.  But sometimes life doesn’t want us to live our dreams.  As I took the flag off of the podium and placed it on top of his casket, I could feel each second bring up a memory. The days he would make me pancakes, the times he would come to my aid to heal every booboo, the time he got into a fight with David Tennant at comic con( apparently Tennant told Baker to suck eggs). All those memories are the only things I have left.
I took and my seat and began to listen as others came forward to speak but most of it was the same. “ Joseph Vanders was a loving father great man yadayada”. They didn’t know anything about him at all. My father always said that the earth looks like a sapphire. That this blue planet shined like a gem. But all I see now is a brown lacquer coffin getting ready to be placed into the earth. After the proceedings the director approached me with his piercing black eyes and pale ghostly white skin. He always looked so morbid with his square framed glasses and black suits.
“Alicia”,he said in a monotonous voice,“ I would like to extend my heartfelt condolences and express my remorse. You’re father was a brilliant engineer and without him a great deal of our programs wouldn’t have made any progress at all.”
“Thank you” I replied. I knew it was bullcrap. My father always told me that the director didn’t care for anything but results and I knew he put pressure to accelerate this project. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to burn him like he would in hell, like my father did on that shuttle. But I can’t do that. I can’t refuse his condolences nor can I turn him away. It would be a disgrace to my father and surely I’d lose face in front of everyone. So I have to bare this expression of grief and not anger for his sake.
The director just looked at me for a second and shuffled through his coat. He pulled out a white envelope with ornate gold leaf and blue wax seal on the back.
“Your father”’ he began with a droll,“ wanted me to give you this envelope the day you graduate Preston. Given the current circumstances, I think it would be best if you were to receive it now. Open whenever you feel is the time. I have to get going now but I wish the best.”
I took the envelope and he walked away in a callous manner. I could feel his lack empathy emanating off of him. This wasn’t a man coming to pay his respects. This was a heartless bastard disposing another one of his nonsensical duties as the director of the international space commission. To him we were nothing but a means to an end. A god amongst insects. We weren’t worthy of his time or his compassion. Honestly, I didn’t even care. I didn’t want him here. I mean, who needs a god like that?
As I contemplated this theological argument of gods amongst men I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked over and behind me was a big burly man with wide shoulders, a scruffy beard, and mustache.  He had orangish red hair and a sharp scar that ran down his forehead. He was in military uniform and his shining medals acted as a contradiction to the bleak situation at hand. To some he was known as a frightening astronaut known as “Redbear” but to me he was simply known as uncle Barlow. Usually he was very wide eyed and cheery. He was a man with a voice that bellowed among the heavens and a heart big enough to love everyone. Uncle Barlow was my father’s best friend. The two of them were inseparable like time and space as my father would say.  Uncle Barlow usually had a big old grin on his face that brightened the darkest of days.  But not even light can escape a black hole and this day was no exception. It was like it was all just sucked out of him and there was nothing left but a solemn and grim expression.
“Alicia” he said in a hollow tone“ it’s time to put him to rest”
I looked back at Uncle Barlow and I could see he was trying to be strong and put on a brave face. But even I could see that was just as shattered as me. I could see in his eyes, behind that burly exterior was a fragmented soul, crying from the inside.
They took coffin outside of the cathedral. Uncle Barlow was one of the bearers as well as other associa
tes of my father. The clouds were gray and everything was a shade darker. It was like someone turned down the lights just for today.  The priest came by and gave him his final rights. Uncle Barlow stood next to me. As they lowered the coffin I could feel something. It was as if they were lowering the coffin onto my own soul. All that pressure began constrict me more and more until I felt something roll down my cheek.
“it’s raining quite a lot isn’t?” Asked Uncle Barlow
“it’s not raining” I replied as I looked at him and I could see the tears running down his face.  He got down on one knee and and wiped my cheek with a handkerchief.
“Yes it is” he answered as he tilted his hat down. As he held the handkerchief, I watched new glistering drops appearing and soaking in, speckling the cloth with dark circles that threatened to spread until the whole thing was darker than the sky.
"See? There is rain all around you."
I hugged him as tight as I could and cried with him. Every tear was something I wanted to say to my dad. Every second I held onto Uncle Barlow was a second I wanted to spend with dad. But dad was gone now and I couldn’t do anything about it.
After the funeral ended I got into the car with Uncle Barlow and we headed back to my father’s house. Uncle Barlow insisted that I sell the place and come live with him, but I have too much invested in here. I grew up in this apartment and it was everything to me. It was my tardis, it was my play house, and it was a place where a great man would raise his little girl. My mother passed away when I was born so my father had to raise me on his own. He would tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that some of the brightest stars were born from others. He would call me his little celestial since his whole world would orbit around me.  As I entered the living room everything seemed to be lifeless. The brilliant white tiles seemed to have lost their luster, the black granite countertops didn’t seem to shimmer at all, and the white furniture felt as though it didn’t belong there. Everything didn’t feel right.
“ Do you want some coffee Alicia?”
I turned to Uncle Barlow as he pulled out the mugs and I simple said one word: “ Sure.”
He placed the pods into the keurig and made the coffee. I could **ell mine: cream and sugar with a hint of hazelnut and cinnamon. It was the way my father made mine and Uncle Barlow knew that was how I liked it. I love Uncle Barlow but right now it feels like he is trying to be my father. I clearly know he isn’t but it feels like he’s trying to be. I’m not angry at him but I wish he wouldn’t.  Uncle Barlow already had a wife  and a kid who was only 10 years old( they couldn’t show up to the funeral because the kid was sick, which is understandable). I took a seat on the couch and Uncle Barlow handed me the cup. The **ell of cinnamon managed to put me at ease slightly. As I sipped the cup I could feel a sense of nostalgia overcoming me. I could see my father slaving away over a hot stove jamming out to Elton John while he made me breakfast. As I pulled the cup away from my lips I could sense Uncle Barlow just staring at me.
“ Alicia we really need to talk about this”
“ About what?”
“ About you and your current situation. I know your father left a good amount of money and his pension but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to live here alone. I know the will didn’t name a guardian and told that you have complete autonomy, but regardless, this place is going to  suck the life out of you. Look, just come with me. Debbie and I have a spare room and I’d rather see you taken care of. Just please hear me out.”
I stared at him with his pleading eyes. There was so much I could say in that moment. There was so much I could do but I only said 2 words.
“ Get out.”
“ Alicia please this is no way to grow up”
“ Uncle Barlow I have made myself clear on multiple occasions. This place means to much to me to give up. You and I both know that I’ll be fine. My father taught me to be independent and left me the tools to become that. Look I love you Uncle Barlow but honestly I don’t think you get it. He may have been your best friend but he was dad, my mom and my best friend all rolled into one. So please just leave!”
Uncle Barlow got up from his seat and quietly left. All that remained was a hollow home with a little girl and the **ell of cinnamon and coffee.



 第二章普雷斯顿学院(上)

中文翻译由B站@风晓星落 投稿，十分感谢！
清晨六点，我被闹钟的轰鸣声吵醒。虽然我接受了关于事故的一切，但是却无法抛下过去，向前进发。我一部分还在期待着从厨房传来的“我还在这儿呢”这样的震耳欲聋的声音。我的身体神奇地没有感到疲惫，但是我的精神却疲惫不堪，就好像有什么东西重重地压在了我的灵魂上一样。我越想艰难前行，这担子仿佛就越重。
这个时候我通常在进行晨练，但此刻却并不觉得有做的必要。径直前往浴室，打开了淋浴喷头。某种程度上，我希望能就这样冲洗掉这令我悲伤的一切，但是我知道这是痴心妄想。悲伤的情绪短时间内是无法挥去的，而且不论如何努力地用水与香皂清洗，都没有办法清除我的悲痛。我只能尝试继续前行，等待着时间来治愈这一切。不论怎样，我的父亲一定会期望我继续在学校接受教育，直到我能真正地独立。
淋浴之后，简单换好衣服，享用了只有咖啡、鸡蛋和土耳其培根的简单早餐。我从公寓出发，径直前往普雷斯顿学院。
普雷斯顿学院是一所专门为天才所开设的学校——至少宣传册上是这么写的。但实际上普雷斯顿学院只为能付得起学费的人敞开大门。也就是说只有顶级富豪和精英才能上得起这所学校，但是我是一个例外。不要错会我的意思，虽然父亲是国际太空委员会的工程师，也很宽裕，但是跟我的同学们家相比，跟乞丐没什么区别。技术大亨、对冲基金所有人，甚至皇室成员都在这里上学。我能来这样的地方上学仅仅是因为我比他们绝大多数人都更有天分。10岁的时候我就学会了微积分，并且已经达到了大学的水平。我是这里唯一一个凭借优待奖学金来上学的学生。
与其说是私立学校，普雷斯顿学院更像是大学。校园里很多不同的建筑物，都是艺术设施或者教室，而且外观独具未来感。它们无一例外都是由玻璃建成的，因为按照学院的说法，“将学生关在墙壁里会束缚他们的潜能。”
当我走进主楼时我不得不注意到我看起来就像是失事的飞船残骸一样糟糕。衬衫皱皱巴巴的，其一角甚至从短裙中露了出来；头发乱蓬蓬的，外套后面甚至破了一个洞。而其他人穿着整齐地就像包装好了直接被放到他们的座位上似的。我径直走到了教室，在嘈杂中找到自己的位置并坐下。铃声响起，我们的班主任，米勒博士，带着棕色公文包和黄色的表格走进了教室。托马斯?米勒博士是MIT的物理学讲师。他是一位杰出的讲师，能教会他人在个人层面理解宇宙的奥秘。对于他来说，物理学就是大家都在使用，但是却不能理解其语法与结构之美的语言。他穿着棕色的、略显俗丽的外套，内衬蓝白格子衬衫，打着海军蓝领带，随身带着银制镀金怀表，留着山羊胡子，以及一头和这胡子一样蓬乱的棕色卷发。他大框的眼睛仿佛就要立刻瞄准并贯穿你一样。
“好了，大家安静坐好！”他厉声呼喊着，大家立刻回到了自己的座位上。
“在我们开始之前，有几件事要说明。艾莉西亚，我有一个便条（传令条）要交给你，校长现在就想见你。我会确保有人之后能给你今天我们要上的电路课的笔记的。”
我起身，将便条紧攥在手中。
“米勒博士，我没遇到什么麻烦吧？”
米勒博士讽刺地看着我。虽然我是他最得意的门生之一，但是当问出非常愚蠢的问题的时候，他也会毫不犹豫地指出。
“艾莉西亚，你是一个顶尖的模范生，而且也从未缺席过一堂课。如果有人陷入了麻烦，你会是我最后一个去怀疑的。校长只是想和你谈谈话而已。去之前别忘了把衬衫掖到裙子里。”
“好的。”我拿着便条，掖好了衬衫就直接朝着校长室走去。我猜大概是要问我“你现在还好吗”这类的话吧。实话说我很不好，但我不认为知道我的精神状态就是她的职责。我立刻走进了校长室并把便条交给了秘书。于是秘书叫我去萨科夫博士的办公室找个位置坐下。我就在那里等待着校长，当她走进来的时候，我感受到了这个房间沉重的气氛。萨科夫博士有着她独特的风度。她是一位33岁的来自布朗大学的非裔博士。她拥有作为女人想要拥有的一切特质：聪慧、独立以及四散的力量感。这也是我父亲与她约过会的原因。他对这种强势的女人有独特的执着，萨科夫博士也不是例外。你无法对她撒谎或者隐瞒事实。只要她在场，一切都有绝对的答案，而这就是我现在所正在经历的。她坐下并严肃地面对着我。我感觉自己就像是一本被翻开的书一样，被她的眼睛检阅着每一页。
“你现在感觉怎么样，艾莉西亚？”她平静地问我。这是一个非常简单的问题，但对我来说就像是在审问或者调查我一样。
“你还好吗？”她继续着问话。
你看吧，终于来了，“你还好吗”之类的谈话。虽然想想就知道这是必然会发生的对话，但是为什么她会觉得她有必要知道我的现状呢？我的父亲死于本可以事先避免的事故，我没有其他的家人，我现在孤身一人，这就是我的现状。除此之外我想我还好。说实话当时我真的想朝她尖叫。我知道她想要帮助我，我也知道她非常爱我的父亲，实际上我已经厌烦了大人“你还好吗”这样问来问去的。我已经对过来对我表示为我的遭遇感到遗憾的人感到厌烦了。我不需要他们来接近我，我只需要他们能够倾听。让我自己恢复并敞开封闭的内心，而不是像对待坚果一样试图把我的内心世界撬开。我本可以用竭尽所能最高的声音对她尖叫，但我能说的只有：
“我很好。”
她瞪着我，就好像她打破了我的外壳，直接看透我的核心一样。（依然是前文坚果的比喻）
“不，你怎么也不像是没事。”她反驳我。“艾莉西亚，我知道我无法完全体会你的感受，但是即使不管我与你父亲的过往我也想在你身边帮助你。”
“过往？”我反问到。
“啊是的，我和你父亲有简短的一段时间是在一起的。”
这时我的愤怒达到了顶点。过往（特指情史）是指两个个体长时间的联系。他们之间没有这样的过往。
“对不起，请问您是认真的吗？”
“为什么不是呢？”
“萨科夫博士，我并没有非礼的意思。但是你和我父亲所拥有的，并不能算是那样的联系。你们只约会了两个月。你只跟我父亲只相处了两个月，就抛弃他坐到了不知是谁的马萨拉蒂上。就算我父亲是一位非凡的工程师，让你离开他的仅仅是尾数多了几个零的银行账户。你伤透了他的心，留下来让我去修补他破碎的内心。你甚至都没出席他的葬礼。所以，不，你们之间的不是情史。你有的只是转瞬即逝的瞬间，早已被毁掉的可能性。
一瞬间，她冷静的风度荡然无存。她的下巴就像吊灯一样在那吊着。突然到来的沉默。我们都还无法一时间理解那一瞬间的状况。我显然不会走出打破沉默的第一步，因此我就等着她来打破僵局。终于她理解了刚刚发生的事情，恢复了以往的**态度。
“唔，好吧，你有权感到愤怒，而且我也能理解。我的意思是发生了那一切，你当然可以找个地方发泄出来，我也知道我是一个非常好的目标。这都没问题。我只是很担心你，艾莉西亚。我知道你的父亲让你非常独立，但是就算这样，我也不确定你能处理好这一切。艾莉西亚，众所周知你是我们最优秀的学生，我不想看到你失败。”
“意思是我失败了会使学校蒙羞？”
“意思是你失败了就意味着一个可能性的消失。”
“你是在用我自己的话来怼我吗？”我回复道。
“我只是借用它们来说明问题而已，”她反驳，“看，你就像你父亲一样固执，而且你需要时间从悲伤中走出来。因此我告诉你的老师们这学期不要给你施加太多压力。我让他们减轻你的课业压力直到下学期或者是我认为你状态稳定了的时候。
“你无权这么做！”我结结巴巴地回复。
“我是你的校长，我有权决定怎样是对学生最好的做法，而这就是为了你我所能做的最好的决定。”
“你根本不知道什么对我来说才是最好的！萨科夫博士，不管你喜不喜欢，我已经是一个独立的人了，我不需要谁出于怜悯或愧疚来干涉我的生活。我自己一个人挺好的。所以就别管我了！”
她稍微愣住了一会儿。
“出于良心，我无法这样做，艾莉西亚。你可以回教室了。”
我冲出了办公室，径直回到教室。
“她以为她是谁啊？”我想，“良心？放她娘的狗屁！学校只关心他们的标准，而我是他们主要的关注对象，仅此而已！巴洛叔叔想要“让我的生活更轻松”是一码事，但是一个陌生人过来扰乱你的生活就完全是另一码事了！我已经受够了去想那些出于怜悯而不得不来帮助我的人。我不需要这廉价的怜悯。在事故前我过得很好，事故之后也一样。”
Chapter 2 Preston academy: (Part 1)
The blaring ring of the alarm clock had awakened me to 6 am and the rest of the day. Although I accept what happened I couldn’t exactly move forward.  Part of me was still expecting “ I’m still standing” to be blaring from the kitchen. It was odd I didn’t feel tired in a physical sense this morning but I felt emotionally tired. I felt like something was weighing down on my soul and the more I trudged on the harder it was to carry. Usually at this time I would be doing my morning exercises but I didn’t feel the need to do so. I just went straight to the shower and turned the water on. In some sense there was a part of me that thought that this could all be washed away with ease, but in all honesty I knew the truth. My emotions weren’t going to change for some time and that no amount of water or soap could clear the grime and grim of my depression. I just had to keep moving forward and hope things would get better with time.  My father would have wanted me in school to further my education so I can attain independence.
I got out of the shower, got changed, and had a simple breakfast of coffee, eggs, and some turkey bacon on the side. I immediately got out of my apartment and headed straight to Preston Academy.
Preston Academy was a school meant for the absolute gifted, or that’s what it says on the brochure. In reality Preston Academy is a school that is exclusive to those who can afford it. It was only offered to the wealthiest and the most elite but I managed to be one of the exceptions. Don’t get me wrong, as an engineer for the International Space Commission my father was really well off but compared to these kids he was nothing more than a beggar. Kids of tech gurus, hedge fund owners and even royalty were attending here. The only reason I got in to Preston was because of a few favors and because I was more academically gifted than most them. By the age of 10 I was doing calculus and I could read at a college level. I was the only kid who was here on merit and a scholarship.
Preston Academy looked more like a college campus than a private school. There were several building and each one had state of the art facilities and classrooms. They were all were done in a futuristic architecture. Each one of them appeared to be made of glass because according to Preston “ Confining one to the inside of walls binds their potential”.
As I walked inside the main building I couldn’t help but notice that I looked like a total wreck. My shirt was crinkled and one side was left hanging out of my skirt. My hair was all frizzy and my jacket had a hole in the back while everyone else looked like were ripped straight out of packaging and put into their positions. I headed down to my homeroom and immediately took a seat out in the front of the loud and bustling class. The bell rung and our instructor, Dr.Miller, entered the room holding a brown suitcase and a yellow form.  Dr.Thomas Miller was a physics instructor from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.  He was a brilliant instructor and had a way of making others understand the universe on a personal level. To him physics was simply a language that everyone speaks but didn’t realize the beauty in its grammar and structure. He wore a brown tweed jacket with a blue and white checkered shirt and navy blue tie. He had a pocket watch he kept on him that was silver with gold engraving.  His brown hair was curly and somewhat unkempt along with goatee. And his large glasses seemed to hone on you immediately.
“ Alright class settle down!” He bellowed and immediately everyone had taken their seats.
“ Before we begin, a few announcements. Alicia I have a slip for you from the headmistress, she wants to see you right now. I’ll be sure to have someone give you notes while we are going through today’s lecture on circuits.”
I got up right away and grabbed the slip.
“ Dr.Miller, I’m not in trouble am I?”
Dr.Miller gave me a sarcastic look. I was one of his favorite pupils but if you asked a stupid questions he wouldn’t hesitate to point it out.
“ Alicia, you’re a top mark student who hasn’t missed a day of class at all. You’re the person I would least suspect of getting into trouble. Look the headmistress just wants to talk that’s it but before you go to her, please tuck in that shirt.”
“ Yes sir” I took the slip, tucked in my shirt and immediately headed off to the headmistress’s office. I’m guessing it was the “ are you okay speech” that she was going to give me.  Honestly I’m not okay but that doesn’t mean it’s her business knowing my mental state. I immediately entered the room and handed the slip to the secretary. She told me to take a seat in Dr. Sarcov’s office. I sat down waiting for her and when she arrived I could feel this weight in the room. Dr. Sarcov had a presence to her. She was a 33 year old African American from Brown University. She was everything that a woman wanted to be: **art, independent, and emanating power. It’s part of the reason why my father dated her. He had a thing for tough women and Dr. Sarcov was no exception.  You couldn’t lie to this women or even bend the truth slightly. In her presence, everything was in absolutes and the same can be said for me. She sat down and gave me a solemn expression. I could feel myself being opened up like a book and her eyes were just reading every page.
“ How are you feeling Alicia?” She asked in a calming tone.  It seemed like a simple question but to me it was an interrogation or dissection of my mind.
“Are you alright?” she continued.
And there it is. The “ are you alright talk” has finally shown. I mean it was bound to happen but why does she think her business knowing my current state? Let’s see my father died in a space crash that could have been easily prevented, I have no other family, and now I’m alone in the world. So aside from that I guess I’m alright.  I honestly wanted to scream at her at that point. I know she was trying to be helpful and I know she loved my dad a lot but to be honest I’m tired of all the *****s asking if I’m alright. I’m tired of everyone pitying me. I don’t want people approaching me over this I just want them to listen. Let me open up, don’t crack me open like I’m some sort of nut. I could have screamed at her at the top of my lungs but all I said was:
“ I’m fine”
She began to stare right through me as though she broke through my facade and saw my core.
“ no you’re not” she retorted “ Alicia I know I wouldn’t feel and despite the history between me and your father I want to be there for you.”
“ History?” I asked
“ well yes, me and your father were briefly together” she replied
At this point my anger was boiling over. History is a long interaction between individuals. They didn’t have history.
“ I’m sorry but you are serious”
“ why wouldn’t I be?”
“ Dr.Sarcov, I mean no disrespect but what you and my father had, wasn't history. You two dated for only 2 months. 2 months was all you could handle and then you dumped him for some guy in a souped up Maserati. Even though he was an incredible engineer, all it took for you leave him was a few zeros on the bank account. You broke his heart and I was left to repair what was there. Hell you didn’t even show up to the funeral. So no, what you had wasn't history. What you had was a fleeting moment and an opportunity squandered.”
All of a sudden that calm demeanor that she had was shattered. Her jaw just hung there like a chandelier. There was a brief silence between us trying to process what had occurred. I am definitely not making the first move so I just waited until she did. Finally she managed to piece everything together and reestablish herself.
“ Oooof, okay you have a right to be angry and I understand. I mean with what has happened, it's okay to lash out and I know I was an easy target. It’s fine. I’m just concerned Alicia. I mean look at yourself. I know you’re father gave you independence but as is, I’m not sure if you can handle this. Alicia you’re our brightest student and everyone knows it. I just don’t want to see you fail.
“ Because if I fail then the school looks bad?”
“ Because if you fail then it’s an opportunity squandered.”
“ You’re using my own words against me?”I replied
“ I’m using them to make a point,” she retorted, “ look I know your just as stubborn as your father and you’re not going to take time off so I’ve told all your professors to take it easy on you this semester. Course work is going to be minimized until next semester or when I have deemed that you are in a more stable condition”
“ You have no right!” I’m stammered.
“ I am your headmaster, I have the right to decree what is best for every student and this is what I deem to be best for you.”
“ You don’t know what’s best for me! Dr.Sarcov, like it or not, I am an independent woman now and I don’t need someone to intervene in my life out of some sense of pity or guilt. I’m just fine on my own. So please just leave me be!”
She paused for brief a moment
“ I can’t do that Alicia, not in good conscience. You can leave the room and head back to class.”
I stormed out of that office and immediately headed back to home room.
“Who the hell does she think she is?” I thought, “Good conscience? What a load of crap! The school only cares about their standards and I’m their main attraction around. It’s one thing when uncle Barlow wants to “ make my life easier” but it’s another thing when a complete stranger who wrecked your home for a few weeks does it. I’m tired of people thinking that they have to help me out of some sense of pity. I don’t need this crap. I was fine before the accident and I’ll be fine now”



 第三章普雷斯顿学院（下）

中文翻译由B站@风晓星落 投稿，十分感谢！
我走进教室，米勒博士正在上他的物理课。大家都在草草记下他传授的一切内容，铅笔的沙沙声和按圆珠笔的声音不绝于耳。米勒博士偏偏讨厌学生们仅仅保持沉默，认真听讲，今天也不例外。
“所以根据这些信息，我们能很容易地确定金属晶格中的错位的增加（为啥他们高中物理会讲晶格缺陷，译者吐槽）会大幅降低它的机械强度。”
我知道这是在忽悠人的。为了让学生们能真正学到知识，而不是全盘接受他传授的一切，他会时不时地故意说错一些东西。如果任何人发现他说错了就可以将其直接指出并获得额外加分，但相反如果是你错了，你反而会被扣分。不过我确信刚才他那话是一派胡言。
“实际上，老师你讲的是错的。”我大声指出。一瞬间大家都放下了笔，从教科书中抬头看着我站在教室门口的走廊中。
“又开始了，”一个学生讽刺地评价道。米勒博士的视线直接转向了他，仿佛能把他在此时此刻直接贯穿一样。
“迪福先生，如果有人能来挑战我，我会非常欣赏，如果没有人起哄就更好了。”（原文为peanut gallery，在杂耍表演的时代，花生廊坊是剧院里最便宜，表面上最吵闹的座位的俗称，人们通常知道这些座位的占用者会束缚表演者。剧院供应的最便宜的零食通常是花生，顾客有时会把花生扔在舞台上的表演者身上，以表达他们的不满。译者注）
“…好的，老师。”
米勒博士的视线转移到我这里，狡黠一笑。他喜欢这样捉弄人。他认为这就是学习的过程，不是跟着别人的步调来而是按照自己的节奏和步调才是最重要的。他试图让大家都学会如何恰当地自主学习。教育是引导年轻人而不是用自己的思想奴役他们是他的人生哲学。
“好的艾莉西亚，你这次要赌多少分？”他问。他的语调有一点点邪恶。
我豪不犹豫地直视着他的眼睛，下定了决心。我开始露出微笑。米勒博士是唯一一个像往常一样对待我的人。
“这次多赌一点，44分吧。”我自信地说。
“噢噢，你这次真是豪赌啊，不过你应该能付得起就是了…”他看向一个戴圆框眼镜的小个子男生，“马库斯， 她现在大概攒到多少分了？”
男生立刻回答到：“大概167分，老师。”
米勒先生又重新看向我。“都167分了，艾莉西亚你肯定会无聊到想翘课吧。那么我为什么错了？”他邪魅的笑容依然挂在脸上，同时眼睛仿佛还闪着光。一看他就在兴奋地地等待着我的回答。我站定大声地开始回答。
“尽管晶格错位确实会导致弯折并且最终金属内部的缺陷可以被认为是有害的缺陷。但是缺陷会与其他缺陷相互影响，从而阻碍新缺陷的产生。这就是为什么要用滚轴的原因，也是为什么金属的拉伸强度曲线是一个抛物线而陶瓷材料的是一条直线。”
我对自己的回答很满意。我一直很喜欢材料科学，我记得这些我之前在学校图书馆里的一本旧教科书里看到过。
“你确信吗？我有一本教材上说的跟你说的不一样啊。”他回复道。
“噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢哦哦”整个班级嘈杂起来。
“安静！别起哄！”，米勒博士大声喊道，“我要告诉你，艾莉西亚，你可以就这样丢掉22分或者你再试一次看看你是不是对的，你真的有这样的自信吗？”
我从他的眼睛中能看出来他在吓唬我。他在测试我的决心，看看我会不会退缩。他的笑容是真诚的而且是在为我回答正确而高兴。我不会遗漏这个细节。
“我不会退缩的，米勒博士。这个问题我确信我是对的，要不你就把那本教科书展示给我看。”
这时他的笑容更加灿烂了，眼睛闪耀得就像七月的焰火一样，他兴奋地仿佛都能直接看到他的耳朵往外喷溅出火星。他径直指向我并转向整个班级。
“这个！这就是我想说的。”他宣告，“她坚持己见并且，天啊，她确实是对的。同学们，这才是真正学到知识的时候。当你能冲在前列的时候，当你选择引领他人而不是跟随他人的时候，这才是你理解并学习的时候。同学们，努力向艾莉西亚学习，永远不要因为认为我懂的比你多而支支吾吾，犹豫不前。我不想成为这间教室里最聪明的人，我希望你们能成为这间教室里最聪明的人。艾莉西亚，干得漂亮，这让我印象深刻。拿好你的分数回自己位置坐下吧。”
我坐到了教室前面的位置上，米勒博士继续着他的讲课。我继续屏蔽掉周遭其他的事物，专心倾听米勒博士和他讲的宇宙的奥秘。我尝试进入状态但是总有什么东西在背后使我分心。我能听见后排有两个人在窃窃私语。我仔细倾听，发现是安德鲁?迪福在和他的死党说话。我迅速转回头去，尝试继续听课，但是我总是不自觉地就去听他们俩讲了什么。
“就会耍小聪明，”安德鲁说，“她总是弄得我们其他人像傻瓜一样。”
“她其实没那么聪明啦，一定是因为她跟米勒博士有不明不白的关系。”他的死党插嘴道。
“你知道我听说他老婆知道了并且跟他离婚了么。天啊这死猪居然为了取得好成绩破坏别人的婚姻。”
“我当然知道，真是个臭**。谁关系他爹死了啊，不就是国际太空委员会送上去实验的一只猴子么。”
一直以来我都讨厌安德鲁?迪福，他就是那种以为靠着父母的钱财自己就应该拥有一切的那种阔少。他的父亲拥有一家规模巨大的金融公司。通常我不会理睬他，但是他刚才说的话太伤人了。我开始觉得反胃，仿佛周围的一切都在旋转。然后压死骆驼的最后一根稻草来了。
“是真的吗？”从声音分辨，是安德鲁旁边的一个女生在问他。
“那当然了，这门课她一个女生怎么可能学得这么好。她就是一个普通人而已。”
下课铃一响，我就不顾米勒博士的呼喊直接冲出教室奔向了卫生间。找到一个隔间就开始呕吐。
米勒博士的想法是正确的，除了有一点。你永远不会想成为一个教室中最聪明的那一个。人们会看你像眼中钉一样，并会想方设法贬低你。我父亲总是告诫我不要理会这种贬低，贬低别人的人恰好体现出他们的自卑。但是他已经不在了。他就像他们用来骂他的动物一样被埋在土里。我在隔间里大声地哭着。这里只有一个黑色卷发，肤色苍白，戴着眼镜的女孩在卫生间像一个可怜的垃圾一样哭着。一只肥猪，就像他们叫我的。一个龌龊的**仅仅因为我是靠自己的能力来这里上学的。我能感觉到从我肩膀上显现出来的孤独。从最开始来这所学校的时候的我就是独自一人的，但是当时有我的父亲支持我、保护我。但我现在仿佛溺在水里一样，无法浮上表面去呼吸。我能听到走廊上传来高跟鞋的哒哒声。
“出来吧，艾莉西亚，我知道你在里面。”
是萨科夫博士。我立刻起身，并试图擦干眼泪。我从隔间中出来，跟她面对面。她不像之前一样跟一块石头似的冷漠了。这次她貌似更加包容，更加平易近人，变成一个毫无隔阂，可以好好交流的人了。
“当米勒博士说你冲出了教室的时候我就知道我得过来看看你怎么了。现在能告诉我到底怎么了吗？”
我本可以告诉她，但是我怕这会让事情变得更糟。
“我很好。”我回答。我打算直接冲进教室门，但是被萨科夫博士一把抓住了胳膊。
“不，你看上去一点也不像没事。”她说。我直视着她，但是她瞪了回来。
“放过我吧。”绝望之中我恳求道。
“艾莉西亚，你现在不是能继续学习的状态。我知道你一直在努力，但是你现在需要时间缓一缓。直到你能正常生活学习之前你可以暂时休学，这期间你会在这里接受观察。实际上这是我给你直接送了这学期的通行证。”
“你没权力这么做。”
“这点我们之前就争论过了，我有这权力。”
“好吧，那我猜是我没权力反驳你的安排。行，那我回家了。”我准备冲出去，但是在我推门之前…
“实际上这不是我的建议，”萨科夫博士说，“是米勒博士的主意。他非常关心像你这样的优等生，而且他也希望像往常一样对待你，但是他发现仅仅这样对你来说还不够。我把决定权交给他了，他比我更知道怎么做是对你好的。不要认为这是个惩罚，把它当作是一个休息的时间。让你疲倦的精神好好休息一下吧。这是一个重新审视自己的时间，而不是要把镜子里自己的倒影打碎，假装视而不见。所以看在我和他的面子上请回家好好休息吧。”
我关上身后的门，回到了家。我在沙发上坐下，感觉一切都在旋转。我知道我父亲在橱柜里留了一瓶白兰地，于是我拿起酒瓶，打开了瓶塞。是啊我只有16岁但管他呢。我现在真的需要一些东西来麻木自己，消除我的痛苦。我大口大口地喝着，直到我失去知觉。痛苦也随之远去。
（优等生女主休学在家酗酒，我好了）

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